Prepare Yourself For Marriage Before You Find "The One"

Ever been to a chili cook-off? All the chefs bring the same item (chili) to the table but no two are ever exactly alike. Some are mild and tangy, some bitter and heavy, others so wickedly hot they’ll burn your throat. What you put into it determines the outcome.

Marriage is the same way.

Young people tend to view singlehood as a necessary penance before the sizzle of romance but the truth is, you do not need to be engaged—or even dating—to prepare yourself for marriage. In fact, the further you are from tying the knot, the better. Your single years are the best time to gather “ingredients” for the kind of marriage you want.

What ingredients do you want to bring to your future marriage? These seven ideas will help make you a better marriage partner.

Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.

6 WAYS TO PREPARE YOURSELF FOR MARRIAGE NOW

1) Condition yourself to serve others.

I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you.
Jesus in John 13:15, after he washed his disciples’ feet

The key to truly loving someone is to serve him or her with no expectation of anything in return.

All expressions of love are acts of service one way or another but the key to truly loving someone is to serve him or her with no expectation of anything in return. Even with your future spouse, if you only serve to receive something in return, you’re doing it for the wrong reason.

Most marriages die from a lack of selfless service on the part of one or both parties. But if you learn to find pleasure in serving others (friends, family, community, church, etc.) for the sake of love, the response won’t matter. This type of selflessness is not common and doesn’t come naturally so if you have it, you will be a rare gem to the lucky one who marries you.

2) Be productive right now.

This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot.
Ecclesiastes 5:18

This is not a time of treading water and waiting for The One to come and rescue you from singledom. God has set this time aside for you to concentrate on your productivity in other areas. Go to school, study, and learn. Find meaningful work. Pursue hobbies, enjoy art, exercise, get involved in your community and church. A well-rounded person is an attractive mate.

(As a bonus, when you finally get that first date, you’ll have plenty to talk about!)

3) Embrace commitment.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.
Proverbs 3:3

Are you afraid of commitment? Many a viable couple has never made it past the dating stage because one or both are afraid to commit. Marriage is a commitment for life, so it’s crucial you go into it with complete dedication. If that scares you, now is the time to condition yourself to commit. Throw off your “free-spirited” (read: irresponsible) lifestyle and start by showing commitment to friends, family, a stable job, even a pet. Stop fearing commitment.

4) Shed the baggage.

Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
Psalm 30:2

Let’s be realistic. To ditch all your baggage would mean you’d have to become a superhuman.

A fairytale misconception is that your spouse will magically fix you and make it all better.

The reality is, we’re sinful beings living in an imperfect world. But if you have trauma from past abuse or grief you haven’t dealt with yet; if you struggle with anger or anxiety or impulsivity; if you have a mountain of financial problems or any number of other vices that dictate a good part of your life, this is the time to deal with them. A fairytale misconception is that your spouse will magically fix you and make it all better. The hard truth is that all your struggles and negative characteristics will only be magnified in marriage.

Don’t drag your messes into your marriage. Seek help now. Check out the self-help section of your local library or bookstore and find the courage to seek professional help if you need it.

5) Consider who you keep company with.

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.
Proverbs 13:20

Are your current friends an encouragement to your faith, or a hindrance? Do they show commitment, or live a life of freestyle? Add to your baggage, or relieve you of it? The kind of people you hang out with screams volumes about the kind of person you are. Take a good, honest look at your current relationships and take steps to surround yourself with people who will steer you toward faith and love.

common lies about sex
how to prepare yourself for marriage

6) Fortify your faith.

The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.
Matthew 7:25

If you ignore everything I’ve said up until now but follow this one thing, your future spouse and marriage will already be blessed beyond many marriages already in progress. To be the best husband or wife you can be, you must go into marriage with a strong spiritual foundation. Use this time of singleness to grow closer to God. Study your Bible and spend time in prayer and worship. Learn to take pleasure in Jesus above all else so that you don’t rely on your future spouse to fill a void he or she was not made to fill.

7) Learn how to love someone else in their language.

Love is patient, love is kind.
1 Corinthians 13:4

If your boyfriend is Hispanic, sure, it’s a great idea to become fluent in Spanish. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. Do you know how to love someone in a way that makes them truly believe it? Are you “fluent” in multiple love languages?

Half the time in marriage, love is an action more than a feeling. You choose to love someone because of who they are to you not because of how they make you feel. But to be a better marriage partner, you need to recognize your spouse’s love language. Get a head start and prepare yourself for marriage now with Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages (helpful in all relationships, not just marriage). See my review in 10 Terrific Nonfiction Books On Dating For Christian Teens.

Books to Make You a Better Marriage Partner

The abovementioned link to nonfiction books on dating for Christian teens also contains a section for mature readers (of which I believe you are if you’re on this page). Check out my reviews of two Nonfiction Books on Marriage For Christian Teens that will help you get a better grasp on God’s design for marriage so you’re ready when it’s your turn!

More Resources to Help Prepare Yourself For Marriage

You don’t have to have all the answers.

But, hey, why not?

Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.

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Specifically for Christian Girls:

The Truth About Respect For Guys: 8 Important Elements
How to Serve Your Future Husband During Your Engagement (post by Tirzah—you don’t have to be engaged to get something out of this one)

For Christian Guys & Girls:

Christian Dating: More Than Just “Lead Us Not Into Temptation”?
3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls (Guys can read this one too because the same traits apply to girls. Just switch roles!)

How to Prepare Yourself For Marriage Before You Find “The One”

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