Ladies, it’s time to talk about respect.
In 1967, Aretha Franklin invaded the airwaves with her hit “Respect,” a song that would become an anthem for the 1970s feminist movement and still tops charts fifty-plus years later. (It ranked number one on the list of 500 Greatest Songs of All Time in 2021.) More than riotous entertainment, Franklin’s song gave a voice to ladies everywhere, proclaiming the conviction that women deserve respect from men.
But did you know that two years before the Queen of Soul stole the show, Otis Redding (the original writer of “Respect”) released the song as a single—and it was about a man asking for respect from his woman? You don’t hear that version much anymore. In fact, respect for boys and men is kind of a nebulous topic, one that tends to get pushed aside and flattened underfoot like yesterday’s newspaper. While doing research for this post, I found that for every article teaching girls about respect for boys, more than thirty preach to boys about respecting girls.
There’s a reason for that, and I won’t argue against it. Young men need to learn what it means to respect a girl. But girls also need to learn how to show respect to boys—even the unrespectable ones.
Because unconditional respect is important to guys.
Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and
blogger for teens ready to level up in faith.
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In This Article
In The Beginning. . .
The best place to begin any discussion is at the beginning, so let’s go to Genesis—where it all began.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light . . . and sky, dry ground, seed-bearing plants, stars, birds, creatures of the sea, livestock, wild animals . . . and man. God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.
Except for the man. God saw that he was nothing but a blubbering, unfeeling fool, incapable of self-control and unable to figure anything out on his own. So God created woman to help him out.
I hope you know your Bible well enough to be able to spot where the summarized Genesis account ended and my fictional misrepresentation began. Because, judging by the way the media portrays males today and the way women and girls talk about them, the world seems to think God messed up when he created men.
That’s not how God sees it.
God Gave His Approval of Males
“God saw all that he had made, and it was very good.”
Genesis 1:31
God was pleased with his creation of the male human. The Bible does NOT say he created women to be perfect and men to be so-so. It also does NOT say he created women because men were too inept to handle themselves and the world he gave them.
So what does it say?
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’”
Genesis 2:18
Men and women were made for each other—to help each other in the work God has given us. Both deserve respect if for no other reason than we were all lovingly created by the same God.
Period.
Why Unconditional Respect is Important to Guys
Before we talk about what respect is or isn’t, there’s something you need to know—possibly the most important takeaway from this post. It’s something teen girls and adult women alike struggle to understand because, hey, we’re not male. But a guy reading this would be nodding his head:
Men value respect more than love.
There it is, the confounding truth that all girls need to come to grips with. Survey after survey has been thrust upon men and all come to the same conclusion, which is a man would rather be married to a woman who respects him but doesn’t love him than a woman who loves him but doesn’t respect him.
Isn’t that outrageous? Not really. That’s how God made them. Unconditional respect is important to guys. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t love them but in showing your respect, they will probably feel loved and affirmed.
What Respect For Boys Isn’t
I know you want me to clarify this because any mention of treating boys with unconditional respect usually raises a lot of caution flags in the female mind.
Respect does not mean complete subservience to a guy who does not have your best interests in mind.
Respect does not mean complete subservience to a guy who does not have your best interests in mind. And it doesn’t mean you must be completely passive in your relationship with any male. A boy must be someone you can feel safe with, and if you don’t, you can and should leave immediately and worry about manners later.
But, assuming he’s not a dangerous villain or conniving manipulator, every male you encounter deserves a basic level of respect from you—even the guys you don’t like.
I’m talking about common courtesy, things like saying please and thank you, showing kindness, and not interrupting when he’s speaking. You should extend these basic manners to everyone.
Read my post Why Everyone Deserves Unconditional Respect if you’re not convinced.
Respect in Healthy Relationships
What about the guy who has earned your trust enough to be your friend or boyfriend? What about your brother? Are you treating them with respect beyond the basics?
By being in any kind of relationship with you, a boy has already earned the right to be fully respected by you. This is very important because, where girls desire love and affection, guys desire respect. Respect is the fuel that makes his engine roar and brings out the man in him.
So, on that note, let’s consider some practicals on how to show respect to boys.
How to Show Respect to Boys: 8 Things You Can Do Now
1) Kindness 101
Guys are pretty good at putting on a tough front but unkind words and actions still penetrate that hardy exterior—especially when it comes from someone who is supposed to care about them. As with you, words can build up or tear down, encourage or exasperate.
Pay attention to both how you talk to him and how you talk about him. When you talk about him with your friends, are you telling them about the brilliant way he fixed the crumpled bumper of his truck or what an idiot he is for hitting the deer in the first place?
A good rule of thumb is that if you shouldn’t say it about a girl, don’t say it about a boy. And if you wouldn’t want it said like that to you, don’t say it like that to him.
Do you struggle with respectful speech? Check out Taming the Tongue: Why It’s So Important For Christian Teens.
2) Listen. Value. Repeat.
A big part of feeling respected is knowing that the people who love you value your ideas and opinions. This is definitely true of boys. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with him but think about how you would feel if he belittled your ideas every time. Friendships, courtships, and, ultimately, marriages grow when both people value each other.
Listen to his thoughts. Show that they mean something to you. Do this over and over.
If good listening is something you struggle with see Do You Know How to Listen So Others Will Talk?
A Note on Physical Boundaries in Dating
When it comes to physical intimacy, most people assume all a boys wants is to go as far with you as you’ll let him. This is dangerous and, more often than not, untrue. Especially among Christian boys.
If you’re in a dating relationship, be aware that “no” coming from a guy still means no. Your boyfriend has a purity to defend as well and his personal boundary lines may be tighter than yours. He has just as much right to say “no” to something that makes him uncomfortable as you do.
Listen to him.
Learn more about purity in Christian relationships in The Case For Abstinence: This is What Really Matters.
3) Don’t Play the Manipulation Game
A boy who cares about a girl (sister, friend, or girlfriend) has a soft spot for her. That soft spot is a beautiful thing because it allows him to love you even when your mascara is smeared, you’re super stressed about your chemistry exam, and you’re PMSing big time.
Don’t abuse it with emotional manipulation.
You don’t need to hide your true emotions but using tears to get what you want is disrespectful. So is telling him you’ll leave if he doesn’t go along with your idea, or buttering him up so he’ll do what you want. Drop the game and be real.
4) Drama Begins When You Assume
If you watch a lot of TV, you might assume that all men are dumb, clueless, heartless, deranged, wicked,______________ (you can fill in the blank). This is as accurate as the popular assumption that all blondes are dumb, ditzy, self-absorbed, and promiscuous.
Don’t fall for it. Don’t assume your guy needs to be reminded of everything or can’t take care of himself and needs to be treated like a five-year-old—unless you are purposely trying to create drama.
But then, that’s not being respectful.
5) Respect Yourself
Males are visually stimulated. Don’t bother denying it because we all know it’s true. The ones with integrity are trying hard to keep their eyes on your face and not your body—a huge sign of his respect for you. You can reciprocate by being respectful in return and dressing appropriately.
This is too important a topic to summarize in a single blurb so check out my other posts on the correlation between modesty and respect:
- Is Female Immodesty Responsible for Male Lust?
- Christian Girls and Fashion: Why is Modesty Important?
6) Remember: Boys Are Not the Enemy
Teen girls have more opportunities today than ever, allowing them to compete in subjects and careers once reserved exclusively for boys. This is great, but the point is not to beat out the male gender in a “girls rule, boys drool” kind of way.
God created us to complement, not compete with, each other. Drop the Girl Power attitude and look for ways you can work in tandem with the boys around you. (Yes, some of them will sneer at you or tease you for your “female ineptitude.” But that’s on them. You’re better than that.)
7) Step Aside and Let Leader Arrive
Guys have a natural instinct to fight, protect, and conquer, making them great leaders. Even ones not apt to stand up and make a speech or become CEO of a Big Five company have leadership skills you might not even have realized. This is a God-given trait, and a little encouragement from the girls in his life can go a long way.
Show you trust his judgment and decision-making abilities by not scrutinizing and scoffing at every move he makes. You don’t have to be completely passive but step aside occasionally and let the leader arrive.
8) Joy Makes a Fabulous Gift
Sometimes, there’s no greater respect than simply letting him see how much you love him for who he is and that you delight in who God created him to be. Give your guy friend a genuine smile. Accept that your brother is human. Enjoy your boyfriend and your relationship with him.
Wouldn’t you want him to do the same for you?
Respect in Christian Relationships: More Resources For Teen Girls
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
A wonderful article called “What Speaks Respect to Guys?” by Peaceful Single Girl goes more into the why and how of respect for boys. And Boundless.org specifically addresses dating relationships in “How can I show respect to my boyfriend?” Check them out!
And don’t forget the foremost authority on relationships: the Bible. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes the wife of noble character, a woman who is a great example of love and respect without complete passivity. You don’t have to be married to glean it’s wisdom.
More Posts on Christian Relationships
- The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered
- 7 Common Lies About Sex That Christian Girls Believe
- Christian Romance: The Lie Behind the First Kiss in Fiction
