I’ve been writing for young people of faith for several years, which means I’ve done a lot of reading up on topics relevant to the Christian teen life. And while some issues come and go, one topic that never falls out of the loop is dating.
How far is too far? How do I know he’s the one? What if she’s not a believer? What does the Bible say about sex before marriage?
Here, I’ve compiled 20 of the Christian dating questions most frequently asked by teens and answered them from a biblical perspective. While each of these could fill an entire post (or many posts), here you’ll find point-blank answers without all the fluff. But in case you want a little more depth on any given topic, I also include resources for further reading.
Consider this your Christian dating quick guide.
Note to the many fellows looking for Christian dating advice for guys: Most of these are written from the perspective of a girl asking the question, but you can switch the pronouns and have it apply to your situation in all but a few questions.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
A Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Biblical Answers to Your Most Burning Questions
In This Article
Dating in High School: Getting Started
When should I start dating?
While there’s no hard rule about this, there is a strong case for waiting until after high school. For one, you avoid a ton of sexual temptation, plus breakups tend to be messy when your friend circles overlap. But perhaps the biggest reason to postpone dating is because it’s loads easier to focus on your relationship with Jesus when you’re single. This is a critical time to strengthen your faith, get to know God better, and cement spiritual habits to continue when you eventually enter the dating field.
John Piper makes a strong case for waiting until after high school in his article Is it Harmful to Date in High School? (Don’t worry, he does mention exceptions.)
On the other hand, dating in high school comes with several benefits:
- You have the opportunity to learn more about yourself and others.
- Dating helps build relationship skills.
- Dating young can help you identify what you like in the opposite sex.
- Dating in general gives a context to practice self-control and delayed gratification.
- Dating while you’re still living at home gives you the unique opportunity to learn more about Christian relationships under the watchful guidance of your parents.
It’s not right for everyone, but it’s not wrong as a whole. Your best bet is to follow your parents’ and/or church’s view on the best time to start dating—keeping in mind what’s right for you individually.
You’re not an incomplete person if you haven’t had a romantic relationship before you graduate!
How do you know he/she’s worth dating?
This is a good question to ask because through it you recognize mutual attraction is not reason enough to go for it. But don’t make it complicated. Limit your preferences to the things that truly matter:
- Common Interests: You won’t share every hobby with a potential suitor, but there should be some overlap. Maybe you both like hiking, or both enjoy reading. Shared interests allow a couple to spend time together in meaningful pursuits they both enjoy. People who have little in common won’t spend a lot of time together.
- Common Goals: I’m referring to how you plan to spend your life—the career you choose, what your future family will look like, how you’ll grow in your relationship with God, etc. Each partner in a relationship should know his/her own goals rather than adopting the other’s but, again, there should be enough overlap that you could actually see yourselves together further down the road.
- Common Values: Christians must date Christians. No exceptions. But also, look for character traits you value, such as integrity, honesty, and dependability. Search for someone who embodies the fruit of the Spirit.
Don’t fuss over minor imperfections. And don’t overlook someone who doesn’t fit your childhood vision of a swarthy knight in shining armor!
For further reading: 3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls.
If you’re best friends with someone of the opposite sex, should you take a chance at a dating relationship?
Fiction loves friends-to-lovers stories. (See my short story You + Me = Forever for one version.) But what about real-life?
Sage advice says you shouldn’t fall in love with someone you wouldn’t be friends with. For teens, I will go so far as to say you shouldn’t date someone you haven’t first become friends with (and Christian counselors agree). You need the commonality of shared interests, goals, and values, and if you don’t have that, I have a hard time seeing how your relationship could be built on anything stronger than sensual desire.
But don’t date someone just because he’s your best friend. Too many good relationships are ruined when one person develops romantic feelings for the other out of a neediness that disguises an internal emptiness. Stop and consider what makes you want to date this person. Is it because you see him as a viable long-term partner, or have you developed an emotional attachment that could be clouding your judgment?
Fortunately, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend dedicate two whole chapters to the subject in their book Boundaries in Dating—a highly recommended read for any single Christian.
Healthy choices lead to healthy relationships!
Questions About Physical Boundaries in Christian Dating
Do I have to kiss him/her?
Absolutely not. In fact, while kissing in and of itself is not sinful, I highly encourage young couples to abstain from even this for two reasons:
- It makes it so much easier to set boundaries if you take kissing off the table.
- It forces you to seek other ways to show your love and affection. Use your words, give gifts, do something special for him or with him. Think outside the kissing box!
For more perspective: Christian Romance: The Lie Behind the First Kiss in Fiction
What if I change my mind about kissing after we’ve already done it?
This is okay too, but be prepared to have a conversation about it. Saying, “Sorry, I don’t want to kiss you anymore for reasons of my own” is not respectful. If he’s worthy of your heart, he’s worthy of knowing why it changed. Is it because you felt pressured? You’re concerned with purity? You feel uncomfortable with that level of physical affection? Talk about it during a time when both of you are open to listening to each other’s side of the matter. (In other words, no throwing it out there in the middle of a fight.)
What if he’s the one who changed his mind? Respect that. When it comes to setting boundaries, always take the route of the person with the most reservations.
Related: 7 Common Lies About Sex That Christian Girls Believe
When it comes to physical boundaries, how far can we go?
This is by far the biggest question Christian teens have about dating…and it’s the wrong question to ask. As I said in Following God’s Rules: The Right Questions to Ask, instead of wondering how far can you go, ask “How can my boyfriend/girlfriend and I treasure Christ with our relationship?”
Because physical boundaries in dating is such a big topic, let me send you over to my post Christian Dating: More Than Just “Lead Us Not Into Temptation”? for further thoughts. See also The Right Reason For Purity: Do You Know What it Is?
Practically speaking, the following are some basic rules to prevent boundaries from becoming an issue:
- Never being in your bedrooms together
- Never being in your house alone together (this one makes a huge difference)
- Applying the “Disney movie” rule: If a couple wouldn’t do it in a G-rated Disney movie, you shouldn’t do it.
- Embrace group dating
- Consider saving kissing for marriage
Where in the Bible does it say sex before marriage is wrong?
There are many, but I will pass along three prominent ones:
Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
1 Corinthians 7:1-3: It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
Exodus 20:14: “You shall not commit adultery.”
Any thoughts on purity rings?
This is a very personal issue, with no one right answer. I had a purity ring as a teen. To me, it was a personal reminder of the choice I’d made. But it also led to some very awkward conversations with people who had no business knowing my innermost desires, and opened the door to ridicule by people who didn’t share my beliefs.
You do not have to have a purity ring to live purity to its fullest! Even if all your friends have one. Purity is a matter of the heart, the centerpoint from which all your actions radiate. Your words and conduct are better witnesses than a ring on your finger.
If you do choose to get a purity ring and don’t want to field awkward questions, wear it on any finger but your left hand ring finger (the one that will hold a wedding band someday). That tends to draw more attention, whereas lots of people wear rings on their other fingers just for fun.
Questions Regarding Relationship Guidelines
Are there other boundaries to watch out for?
This is not a common question among teens when it comes to dating, but it should be. Because, yes, physical limits aren’t the only danger zone you could cross into. Teens who are not ready to get married also need to watch out for emotional boundaries.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23
There is just as much danger in connecting emotionally and spiritually too deeply and too soon. Even something as seemingly benign as praying together can create dangerous intimacy if practiced too soon. (BTW, once you’ve reached the point where marriage is a serious possibility, you absolutely should be praying together.)
Biola University has a great article that goes more in-depth where emotional boundaries are concerned: Too Much, Too Soon? Setting Emotional Boundaries in Dating
In the meantime, keep it light, keep it fun, and keep hanging out with your other friends too!
How do I balance a dating relationship with friends and family relationships?
First, remember who loved you first. Mom and Dad were there before you fell for Lover Boy. Your friends saw you at your worst over the years and they’re still there. So don’t snub them for a new fling.
This is a great case for group dating. Even if you’re the only couple in the group, going out with friends not only helps with the whole physical boundaries thing, but also nurtures all relationships involved. They get to know your sweetie, you get to see what kind of friends he hangs out with, and if things go south, you’re still surrounded by the people who loved you first. The same goes for family. Bring him home once in a while so he can get to know your parents and siblings.
But also, it goes a loooong way in preserving your other relationships if you occasionally tell your sweetie, “Sorry, I really need to hang with my sis tonight. Maybe we can do something Sunday afternoon?” He doesn’t need to be present every moment, and odds are, he has relationships to tend to on his end. So don’t spend every waking hour with each other!
For further reading: See the friends and family section of Christian Teen Dating Advice: 9 Things I Wish I Had Known.
Should you change yourself for a guy/girl you like?
That depends. Do you need to change? Are you snarky, impatient, and easily angered? You should change—but not just for said romantic interest. Change because that’s not how Christ wants you to be.
Remember the 2 qualities of a good boyfriend for Christian girls? Those apply to you as well. If he’s asking you to shift from a sinful lifestyle or attitude to one that embraces holiness, by all means—and thank God that he gave you a guy who cares about Him too!
For nonissues like hair color, clothes you wear, who you hang out with, what hobbies you’re into, etc., look at why he or she wants you to change. Is it a control issue? Is she embarrassed by you? Maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. But there are times when it’s worth changing to show you care. Maybe he’s a big-time athlete and you’re an artist who wouldn’t be caught dead at a game. Going to his football game and cheering him on would fill his love tank to the brim.
He should love you the way you are, but you shouldn’t expect to never change.
Biblical Principles in Christian Dating
What does God say about dating?
That’s easy—nothing! But that doesn’t mean he has no words about relationships, purity, and marriage.
He holds marriage in highest regard (Hebrews 13:4).
He tells Christians to keep themselves pure (1 Timothy 5:22).
And he says to trust in him and let him guide your ways (Proverbs 3:5-6).
So while dating is a modern institution and therefore not expressly covered as a topic in the Bible, the Bible as a whole gives you all you need to know about loving God through a life of holiness and maintaining pure relationships. Keep reading it so you can apply it to all areas of your life!
Related: Why You Need to Read the Bible Before You Pray
Is the boy supposed to be the leader in the relationship?
This is such a loaded question, made more complicated by feminism, the gender movement, and the modernization of biblical principles. In short, yes, the guy is supposed to be the leader. But our current culture overall has done boys and girls a great disservice by blurring gender roles and de-emphasizing the importance of the family unit. The result is a confusion, miscommunication—and a large population of boys who are not ready to lead and girls who are not prepared to submit to any leadership but their own.
Rather than spend the rest of the post trying to answer this one, let me direct you to an article from Boundless: Biblical Dating: Men Initiate, Women Respond.
A few quick points to summarize:
- Women are by nature nurturers, whereas guys have a strong drive to protect and provide. And with that comes the task of leadership.
- Ladies, submitting to his leadership does not mean you’re a puppet or a doormat.
- While women want love, guys want respect more than anything else.
Ladies, definitely check out my post The Truth About Respect For Guys: 8 Important Elements!
You don’t have to have all the answers.
But, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
How do you keep God in the center of your relationship?
I warned earlier about the danger of praying together too soon. But you most certainly should be praying about your relationship separately. And reading your Bible and attending church—basically all the things you did when you were single. Don’t push God off to the side once you start dating. As I advised concerning your friends and family, it’s also okay to sometimes say, “No, I can’t hang out tonight because I really need some spiritual downtime.” If she’s worth it, she should totally understand—and you’ll be setting a good example.
For further reading: 8 Ways to Grow in the Fear of God
What about when a non-Christian friend asks for dating advice?
We can’t hold nonbelievers to the same standards as us, but we can set a good example in word and action. There is a strong case for saving sexual intimacy for marriage even without biblical guidelines (see Is It Actually Wrong to Live Together Before Marriage?), but the ultimate issue here is not your friend’s dating choices but her unbelief. If she asks specific questions, give her truthful answers. However, your main focus should be on sharing the gospel of Jesus in love.
Christian Dating Advice for Guys: Issues You Face
Should I date a godly girl I do not find attractive?
Pursuing a girl solely because of her faith is no better than pursuing a girl because of her body. You should not enter into a relationship with a girl you are not attracted to. However, you absolutely should seek friendship with Christian girls. It might evolve into something more. Or, you might simply grow stronger in your faith together before going your separate ways.
As Matt Chandler says in this article from DesiringGod, “Godliness is sexy to godly people.” While secular culture and popular fiction emphasize physical attraction before character and godliness, it really should be the other way around. You are drawn to someone because of her character, then later develop a physical attraction to her. But don’t toy with a young woman’s heart. Let your relationship develop out of genuine feelings, not forced attraction.
What if she wants to go further physically than I do?
First of all, kudos for knowing your boundaries and taking them seriously. It’s a common assumption that guys are more interested in sex and physical intimacy than girls, but that’s not always the case. And whenever there’s a discrepancy over physical boundaries between dating partners, fear over losing the relationship can easily cloud your judgment.
The question to ask: Do you love God more?
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
John 14:15
Nothing and no one can replace God. What’s more, no one can handle the weight of being someone else’s god. If you put your girlfriend ahead of Him, you rely on her as your Number 1, and that’s not a fair burden to place on her. Nor are you prepared to fulfill that role for her.
Only God can handle the throne of Number 1.
This is a great chance to exercise your role as leader. Give her some gentle honesty: “I respect you and my relationship with God too much to let our physical relationship get out of hand.” If she’s a believer, she should understand.
I’m not interested in dating yet, but she asked me out. Now what?
If girls are allowed to say no, guys most certainly are too. Unfortunately, no matter how gently you do this, you’re going to hurt her feelings. She just put herself out there and it’s about to come crashing down.
First, be sure you understand her intentions. Is she asking you to be her boyfriend, or does she simply want to test the waters with one date? She might not even be sure about you, so agreeing to a single date (with a few mutually predetermined guidelines) might not be such a bad thing.
But if you’re simply not ready to date, just say so. Be honest, but always with regard for her. See 7 Tips For Turning Down a Date for a thorough rundown of how to do this.
Christian Dating Advice for Girls: A Few More Questions
What if you’re interested in a guy, but he’s not interested in you?
First, does he possess the 2 qualities of a good boyfriend for Christian girls? If not, put your attention elsewhere. But if he’s a great guy and you’re serious about him, be patient. Stay friends and get to know each other in that capacity first. He might come around—or you might change your mind.
I’ll have you know my husband won my heart through sheer dedication and persistence. (Take note, gentlemen who are reading this.) I talk a little about our love story in Author vs. Protagonist, but the main point here (and in that article) is to trust God to write your love story!
When a guy picks on you, does that mean he likes you?
Maybe, but maybe not. That alone isn’t enough of a tell because a boy could also be teasing you because he’s a boy and boys do things like that, often to get a rise out of their friends or claim the center of attention for a moment. Look at his conduct overall before you jump to any conclusions here 🙂.
Still Got Questions?
What other questions do you have about Christian dating? Shoot me a message, and I’ll add to this list!
Find more comprehensive dating advice for Christian teens from the sources on my 15 Terrific Nonfiction Books on Dating page.
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