How far is too far? How do I know he’s the one? What if she’s not a believer? What does the Bible say about sex before marriage?
Sound familiar? Anyone who’s ever dated or fantasized about dating has entertained questions like these. Dating in high school is a complex issue, but dating in high school the Christian way adds even more layers of complication. You have to balance societal norms with biblical standards—and sometimes they clash.
To help you out, I’ve compiled 20 of the Christian dating questions most frequently asked by teens and answered them from a biblical perspective. You’ll find point-blank answers without all the fluff plus resources for further reading.
Consider this your quick guide for Christian dating in high school.
Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and
blogger for teens ready to level up in faith.
Subscribe for inspiring content and free YA ebooks!
A Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Biblical Answers to Your Most Burning Questions
In This Article
Dating in High School: Getting Started
> When should I start dating?
John Piper makes a strong case for waiting until after high school (Is it Harmful to Date in High School?) and I agree there are plenty of reasons to wait. For one, you avoid a ton of sexual temptation, plus breakups tend to be messy when your friend circles overlap. It’s also loads easier to focus on your relationship with Jesus when you’re single. High school is a critical time to strengthen your faith, get to know God better, and cement spiritual habits.
On the other hand, dating in high school offers several benefits:
- You have the opportunity to learn more about yourself and others.
- Dating helps build relationship skills.
- Dating in high school can help you identify what you like in the opposite sex.
- Dating is a context for practicing self-control and delayed gratification.
- Dating while you’re still living at home gives you the unique opportunity to learn more about Christian relationships under the watchful guidance of your parents.
It’s not right for everyone but it’s not wrong as a whole. Your best bet is to follow your parents’ and/or church’s view on the best time to start dating—keeping in mind what’s right for you individually.
You’re not an incomplete person if you haven’t had a romantic relationship before you graduate. Check out How to Find Fulfillment as a Single on Valentine’s Day.
> How do you know he/she’s worth dating?
This is a good question because mutual attraction is not reason enough to go for it. But don’t make it complicated. Limit your preferences to the things that truly matter:
- common values
- common interests & goals
- a good character
I talk about each of these in detail in 3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls. (Fellows reading this can swap roles.) It’s important to note, however, that Christians must date Christians. No exceptions. But don’t fuss over minor imperfections. And don’t overlook someone who doesn’t fit your childhood vision of a swarthy knight in shining armor!
> If you’re best friends with someone of the opposite sex, should you take a chance at a dating relationship?
Fiction loves friends-to-lovers stories. My short story UnTainted (available to subscribers) is one version. But what about real-life?
Sage advice says you shouldn’t fall in love with someone you wouldn’t be friends with. For teens, I will go so far as to say you shouldn’t date someone you haven’t first become friends with (and Christian counselors agree). Without the commonality of shared interests, goals, and values, your relationship is most likely to be built on sensual desire.
But don’t date someone just because he’s your best friend. Too many good relationships are ruined when one person develops romantic feelings for the other out of a neediness that disguises an internal emptiness. Stop and consider what makes you want to date this person. Is it because you see him as a viable long-term partner, or have you developed an emotional attachment that could be clouding your judgment?
Fortunately, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend dedicate two whole chapters to the subject in their book Boundaries in Dating—a highly recommended read for any single Christian.
Relationship Advice for Teens: Bonus Resource
Got a friend who just confessed her undying love? How to Know if You Like Someone Who’s In Love With You
Christian Dating Questions Regarding Physical Boundaries
> Do I have to kiss him/her?
Absolutely not. In fact, while kissing in and of itself is not sinful, I highly encourage young couples to abstain from even this for two reasons:
- It makes it so much easier to set boundaries if you take kissing off the table.
- It forces you to seek other ways to show your love and affection. Use your words, give gifts, do something special for him or with him. Think outside the kissing box!
For more perspective: Christian Romance: The Lie Behind the First Kiss in Fiction
> What if I change my mind about kissing after we’ve already done it?
This is okay too, but be prepared to have a conversation . Saying, “Sorry, I don’t want to kiss you anymore” is not respectful. If he’s worthy of your heart, he’s worthy of knowing why it changed. Is it because you felt pressured? Purity concerns? Discomfort with that level of physical affection? Talk about it during a time when both of you are open to listening to each other’s side of the matter. (In other words, no throwing it out there in the middle of a fight.)
What if he’s the one who changed his mind? Respect that. When it comes to setting boundaries, always take the route of the person with the most reservations.
Bonus Resource: Relationship Advice for Girls
> Physically speaking, how far can we go?
Of course this question will come up in a post offering relationship advice for teens. But it’s the wrong question to ask. Instead of wondering how far can you go, ask “How can my boyfriend/girlfriend and I treasure Christ with our relationship?”
Check out my posts Christian Dating: More Than Just “Lead Us Not Into Temptation”? and The Right Reason For Purity: Do You Know What it Is? to get your thinking heading in the right direction on the topic of physical boundaries. Practically speaking, the following are some basic rules to prevent physical intimacy from becoming an issue while dating in high school:
- Stay out of each other’s bedrooms.
- Don’t be alone in your house together.
- Apply the “Disney movie” rule: If a couple wouldn’t do it in a G-rated Disney movie, you shouldn’t either.
- Embrace group dating.
- Consider saving kissing for marriage.
> Where in the Bible does it say sex before marriage is wrong?
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4
It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2
You shall not commit adultery.
Exodus 10:14
> Any thoughts on purity rings?
This is a very personal issue. I had a purity ring as a teen. It was a personal reminder of the choice I’d made but it also led to some very awkward conversations with people who had no business knowing my innermost desires and opened the door to ridicule by people who didn’t share my beliefs. You do not have to have a purity ring to live purity to its fullest. Purity is a matter of the heart, the centerpoint from which all your actions radiate. Your words and conduct are better witnesses than a ring on your finger.
If you want a purity ring but wish to avoid awkward questions, don’t wear it on your left hand ring finger (the one that will hold a wedding band someday). That tends to draw more attention.
Bonus Resource: Book List
Check out my list of Shameless Nonfiction Books On Sex & Gender For Christian Teens
General Relationship Advice For Teens
> Are there other boundaries to watch out for?
This is not a common question among teens when it comes to dating but it should be. Because, yes, physical limits aren’t the only danger zone you could cross into. Teens who are not ready to get married also need to watch out for emotional boundaries.
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Proverbs 4:23
There is just as much danger in connecting emotionally and spiritually too deeply and too soon. Even something as seemingly benign as praying together can create dangerous intimacy if practiced too soon. (BTW, once you’ve reached the point where marriage is a serious possibility, you absolutely should be praying together.)
Biola University has a great article that goes more in-depth where emotional boundaries are concerned: Too Much, Too Soon? Setting Emotional Boundaries in Dating. In the meantime, keep it light, keep it fun, and keep hanging out with your other friends too!
> How do I balance a dating relationship with friends and family relationships?
Remember who loved you first. Mom and Dad were there before you fell for Lover Boy. Your friends saw you at your worst over the years and they’re still there. So don’t snub them for a new fling.
This is a great case for group dating. Going out with friends not only helps with the whole physical boundaries thing but it nurtures all relationships involved. They get to know your sweetie, you get to see what kind of friends she hangs out with. And if things go south, you’re still surrounded by the people who loved you first. The same goes for family. Bring him home once in a while so he can get to know your parents and siblings.
It’s health to occasionally tell your sweetie, “Sorry, I really need to hang with my little brother tonight. Maybe we can do something Sunday afternoon?” Odds are, she has relationships to tend to on her end as well. No need to spend every waking hour with each other!
Dating in High School: Bonus Resource
> Should you change yourself for a guy/girl you like?
That depends. Do you need to change? Are you snarky, impatient, and easily angered? Then yes, you should change because that’s not how Christ wants you to be. The three most important qualities of a good boyfriend for Christian girls apply to you too. If he’s asking you to shift from a sinful lifestyle or attitude to one that embraces holiness, by all means do it.
And thank God that he gave you a guy who cares about Him too.
For issues like hair color, clothes you wear, who you hang out with, or hobbies, however, look at why he or she wants you to change. Is it a control issue? Is she embarrassed by you? Maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. But there are times when it’s worth changing to show you care. Maybe he’s a serious athlete and you’re an artist who couldn’t care less about sports. Going to his football game and cheering him on would fill his love tank to the brim.
He should love you the way you are but you shouldn’t expect to never change.
Biblical Principles in Christian Dating
> What does God say about dating?
God’s word contains no specific section on dating but plenty of words about relationships, purity, and marriage.
He holds marriage in highest regard (Hebrews 13:4).
He tells Christians to keep themselves pure (1 Timothy 5:22).
He says to trust in him and let him guide your ways (Proverbs 3:5-6).
The Bible as a whole gives you all you need to know about loving God through a life of holiness and maintaining pure relationships. Keep reading it so you can apply it to all areas of your life.
Bonus Resource
> Who’s supposed to be the leader in the relationship?
Feminism, the gender movement, and the modernization of biblical principles have done both genders a great disservice by blurring roles and de-emphasizing the importance of the family unit, resulting in confusion, miscommunication—and a large population of boys who are not ready to lead and girls who are not prepared to submit.
In short, the guy is supposed to be the leader. Key points to remember:
- Women are by nature nurturers, whereas guys have a strong drive to protect and provide. And with that comes the task of leadership.
- Ladies, submitting to his leadership does not mean you’re a puppet or a doormat.
- While women want love, guys want respect more than anything else.
Check out this article from Boundless: Biblical Dating: Men Initiate, Women Respond.
Bonus Resource For Teen Girls
> How do you keep God in the center of your relationship?
I warned earlier about the danger of praying together too soon. But you most certainly should be praying about your relationship separately.
Don’t push God off to the side once you start dating. Keep reading your Bible and attending church—basically all the things you did when you were single. It’s okay to sometimes say, “No, I can’t hang out tonight because I really need some spiritual downtime.”
Bonus Resource
> What about when a non-Christian friend asks for dating advice?
We can’t hold nonbelievers to the same standards as us but we can set a good example in word and action. There is a strong case for saving sexual intimacy for marriage even without biblical guidelines (see Is It Actually Wrong to Live Together Before Marriage?). The ultimate issue here, however, is not your friend’s dating choices but her unbelief. If she asks specific questions, give truthful answers but your main focus should be on sharing the gospel of Jesus in love.
Bonus Resource
Christian Dating Advice for Guys: Issues You Face
> Should I date a godly girl I do not find attractive?
You should not enter into a relationship with a girl you are not attracted to. Pursuing a girl solely because of her faith is no more respectable than pursuing a girl because of her body. However, you absolutely should seek friendship with Christian girls. It might evolve into attraction. As Matt Chandler says in this article from DesiringGod, “Godliness is sexy to godly people.” While pop culture emphasizes physical attraction before character, it really should be the other way around.
You should be drawn to someone because of her character first.
But don’t toy with a young woman’s heart. Let your relationship develop out of genuine feelings, not forced attraction.
> What if she wants to go further physically than I do?
Kudos for knowing your boundaries and taking them seriously. It’s a common assumption that guys are more interested in physical intimacy than girls but that’s not always the case. And fear over losing the relationship can easily cloud your judgment.
The question to ask: Do you love God more?
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
John 14:15
Nothing and no one can replace God. What’s more, no one can handle the weight of being someone else’s god. If you put your girlfriend ahead of him, you rely on her as your Number 1, and that’s not a fair burden to place on her. Nor are you prepared to fulfill that role for her.
Only God can handle the throne of Number 1.
This is a great chance to exercise your role as leader. Give her some gentle honesty: “I respect you and my relationship with God too much to let our physical relationship get out of hand.”
> I’m not interested in dating yet but she asked me out. Now what?
If girls are allowed to say no, guys most certainly are too. Unfortunately, no matter how gently you do this, you’re going to hurt her feelings. She just put herself out there and it’s about to come crashing down. Be sure you understand her intentions first. Is she asking you to be her boyfriend or does she simply want to test the waters with one date? She might not even be sure about you, so agreeing to a single date (with a few mutually predetermined guidelines) might not be such a bad thing.
But if you’re simply not ready to date, just say so. Be honest, always with regard for her. See 7 Tips For Turning Down a Date for a thorough rundown of how to do this.
Christian Dating Advice for Girls: A Few More Questions
> What if you’re interested in a guy but he’s not interested in you?
Does he possess the 3 qualities of a good boyfriend for Christian girls? If not, turn your attention elsewhere. But if he’s a great guy and you’re serious about him, be patient. Stay friends and get to know each other in that capacity first. He might come around—or you might change your mind.
I’ll have you know my husband won my heart through sheer dedication and persistence. (Take note, gentlemen who are reading this.) I talk a little about our love story in Author vs. Protagonist, but the main point here (and in that article) is to trust God to write your love story!
> When a guy picks on you, does that mean he likes you?
Maybe, but maybe not. That alone isn’t enough of a tell because a boy could also be teasing you because he’s a boy and boys do things like that, often to get a rise out of their friends or claim the center of attention for a moment. Look at his overall conduct before you jump to any conclusions 🙂.
Still Got Questions?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Got more Christian dating questions? Shoot me a message!
More comprehensive Christian dating advice for young adults can be found in the sources on my list of 15 Terrific Nonfiction Books on Dating.
And be sure to subscribe to my weekly updates, where I talk about all matter of topics pertaining to the Christian teen life!
