It’s the strangest query (or so I thought), and yet in one three-month period, my website made 927 impressions on this search alone: “How to overcome loneliness without friends.” Why would anyone ask that? The very essence of loneliness is too much time spent alone, so shouldn’t the question be “How to make friends so I’m no longer lonely”?
But the more I think about it, the more I realize those 927 people are onto something. Humans are naturally social creatures. We have clubs, teams, parties, and Facebook groups. Laidback bar-and-grill type restaurants like TGI Friday’s thrive in college towns where packs of students gather to kick back after a stressful week. And when the COVID-19 pandemic created a nationwide lockdown, a different epidemic ignited: loneliness.
But sometimes, despite our best efforts at making friends and joining all the right organizations, we still feel lonely, and maybe that’s what prompted the “overcome loneliness without friends” query so many times. If it isn’t lack of friends, what is the root of loneliness, and how can you overcome it?
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
Types of Loneliness
Psychologists have listed as many as twelve types of loneliness, but I’ll spare you and boil it down to three:
- Physical loneliness. Think solitary confinement in prison, an elderly widow who lives alone, or the physical isolation caused by the pandemic lockdown.
- Perceived aloneness. You could be surrounded by people but still feel alone. Maybe you lack a deep, meaningful relationship with your friends, or perhaps you feel separated by culture, background, or intellectual differences.
- Loneliness due to lack of meaningful fellowship with God.
Which of these is the root? Consider this illustration (yes, I drew it myself):
If you’re a tree, then God is the ground you’re rooted in. You can grow tall and leafy with outside relationships, but if you’re not rooted in God, the winds of loneliness have the power to blow you over at any time, no matter how you’ve filled your branches.
Lack of a relationship with God is the very root of loneliness. Only when you grasp this can you overcome loneliness without friends.
Take note: Even Christians can suffer from this type of loneliness.
The Root of Loneliness: Separation From God
Did you know you were created with a deep need to be close to God? Like David said in Psalm 63:
“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”
(See what I wrote about mistletoe in Finding Jesus in the Enormous Heap of Christmas.)
It might surprise you, but God’s primary desire is to be with you also, for all of eternity. I talk more about this in How to Really, Truly Know God Loves You.
Do you feel like God is far away? Psalm 139 should lay that fear to rest:
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.”
Psalm 139:7-10
The Only Cure for Loneliness: Don’t Be Alone
Thanks be to God, you’re never alone! But your feelings of loneliness are a sign you need to draw closer to God.
How to Draw Closer to God: 3 Ways
- Don’t just read your Bible daily. Meditate on it, study it in depth, and consider what God is saying to you through his word. Read Your Bible Every Day: A Feast For the Soul
- Don’t just pray at regularly scheduled times like meals and bedtime. Breathe prayers and talk, really talk, to God all day long. How to Have a Richer Prayer Life By Friday
- Don’t just be a physical presence at church. Bring along your heart and mind and the intention of letting both be filled by His Spirit. Why Young Christian Absolutely Need to Go to Church
If you don’t strike the root of loneliness by becoming rooted in in God, you’ll never cure the problem. Wondering how to overcome loneliness without friends? It starts here.
Related – Closer to God: How to Have a Heart of Praise and Seeking Jesus: How to Get Closer to God Right Now
Perceived Aloneness Sprouts From the Root
What about perceived aloneness? Like when you’re stuck at home with family members you don’t mesh with. Or the other girls in your class are into basketball and Netflix while you’re into 4-H and scrapbooking. Or your coworkers are always teasing you about praying at lunchtime.
Loneliness within a crowd is tough, and overcoming it might mean you have to push yourself to try new things and meet new people. You will probably have to make first contact. (It seems the ability to approach strangers and strike up a conversation is a dying art). Or, it could be a matter of changing your perception altogether.
See the resources at the end of this post for help.
Related: Feeling Left Out: When the World is Having Fun Without You
Fellowship With Other Christians
You didn’t really think I’d say you don’t need friends, did you? Sure, you can overcome loneliness without friends through fellowship with God—for which friends are no replacement, no matter how many you have. But God also gave you the desire to be with others for a reason.
Let us not neglect meeting together, as some have the habit of doing. Rather, let us encourage each other, and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
Hebrews 10:25, EHV
Christians need each other for help in fighting temptation and growing your relationship with God. If you haven’t already done so, now is the time to seek out a church that proclaims the Bible as the true word of God and Jesus Christ as God’s son and the savior of everyone. Make that church your home and move in. Join the Bible study groups, eat at the fellowship meals, use your talents to serve in whatever opportunity they have. Some of my dearest friendships have been with women much older than me whom I met through church events.
A Word of Caution
Be careful of the church that puts friendship with people ahead of fellowship with God.
Be careful of the church that puts friendship with people ahead of fellowship with God. You might walk into a place of worship where the pastor’s wife greets you by name, the young people’s group is a happening place, and revivals (whatever they may look like) are a regular occurrence. But if that same church rejects Biblical principles and tells you to accept the lifestyle choices of all people, you will find yourself pulling away from your relationship with God.
No amount of quality friendships can fill the space meant for him.
Related: When Church Doesn’t Feel Exciting
How to Deal With Loneliness: 8 Ideas
Trust me, you are not alone in loneliness. Someone near you is also lonely. Reach out and find unexpected friendship with someone you otherwise might never have associated with. Heal your loneliness together, with God as your center.
1) Do An Act of Kindness
Compile a care package and leave it on a friend’s doorstep. Send a card to someone you haven’t seen in a while. Rake leaves or shovel someone’s sidewalk. Make blankets to donate to crisis pregnancy centers. Clean out your closet and donate to you local Salvation Army. Send holiday boxes to veterans or overseas soldiers. Make cards to send to your local nursing home.
Waterford has a list of more great ideas: 35 Random Acts of Kindness You Can Do As A Family.
2) Be Real on Social Media
The poor folks who suffered through the 1918 Spanish Flu (said to be similar to COVID-19) didn’t have social media. But you have the luxury of keeping up with your friends from the safety of your living room no matter what freaky disease is floating around out there. Go ahead and use it, but resist the urge to sugarcoat your life.
Statistically speaking, half your friends also suffer from some form of loneliness, and many might also be struggling with depression as well. If all they see of your life is the fun party you went to or the amazing meal you just had or how you finally lost ten pounds, they may be thrust further down the road of isolation.
Check out these 8 Simple Guidelines for Posting on Social Media.
3) Write A Snail Mail Letter
Texts and emails are handy, but nothing feels quite as personal as a handwritten letter. Got an aunt or grandparent you can’t visit right now? Send him or her a letter through the mail. You might just discover an eager pen pal!
4) Start a Calendar of Prayer
Become a prayer warrior! Make a list of people to pray for and assign each a specific date in the near future. Send each individual a text, email, or letter informing them you’ll be praying specifically for them on this date and you’ll take specific prayer requests. Be sure you have a reliable calendar system and when you get to a person’s date, pray once, twice, or all day long.
I did this several times in high school and the response was astonishing. Many were delighted to have a special day on someone’s prayer list, but the requests for specific prayers came from the most surprising people. This created a great opportunity to encourage someone else’s faith.
5) Get Out of the House!
There’s no replacement for in-person human interaction. This doesn’t mean you have to go to every party on the block but don’t hole up in your room if you’re feeling lonely. Run errands. Go to the public library. Call up a friend and ask if she wants to meet for lunch. Sit at Wal-Mart and people-watch (this is true, cheap entertainment). Just do something!
6) Brush Up on Apologetics
Think of isolation as an unexpected study hall. If you’re stuck at home because of illness, bad weather, or (heaven forbid) another pandemic, this is a great time to do some “homework.” Study up on apologetics (defending your faith) and evangelism (sharing your faith). Most Christians would agree that we could always do better in these areas, so why not prepare now?
Check out these 6 Must-Read Nonfiction Books For Christian Teens to get you started.
7) Step Outside
Humans were meant to move and breathe. No better place to do that than outdoors! Invite a friend for a walk around the neighborhood or a bike ride through town or a hike in the woods. Or—my favorite—stargazing!
8) Just Be
Once in a while, simply sit and observe your feelings the way you might lay back in the grass on a summer day and watch the clouds float by. Are you lonely? Depressed? Anxious? Feeling a little lost? It’s okay to feel that way for a short time. You don’t always have to fix it right then.
How to Deal With Loneliness: Resources For Christian Teens
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Though it’s an intense read (and some of the ideas take a mature faith to grasp) I highly recommend the book Hearing God in Conversation: How to Recognize His Voice Everywhere, by Samuel C. Williamson. Even if you only pick up a few of his ideas, your relationship with God will blossom and grow. (I promise, it isn’t about anything kooky like hearing voices in your head.)
If loneliness seems to cling to you like a piece of gum on your shoe: Change Your Thought Patterns: The Dangerous Rut.
Many Bible verses can help you deal with loneliness, including Psalm 12, Psalm 27, and Hebrews 13:5-6.
Other resources:
- Mental Health For Christian Teens: Cultivate Joy Outside Yourself
- 10 Bible Passages For When God Seems Distant and Aloof
- Feeling Blue? Trust That God is Always There
And of course, stay connected and sign up for my weekly updates—fuel for your faith, right to your inbox!
Resources About Friendship For Christian Teens
Yes, you need friends, if for no other reason than to teach them things you learned in this post so they can overcome loneliness and draw closer to God too. Check out these posts: