How to Be “Just Friends” With a Guy: A Teen Girl’s Guide

It’s a classic YA fiction setup: A boy and a girl—best friends from childhood—suddenly develop “the feels” for each other. They spend the next 250 pages hiding and/or fighting these feelings, only to explode with emotion, fall into each other’s arms, and ride off into the sunset, hand-in-hand. Meanwhile, readers everywhere sigh with happiness.

Because we love when friends become lovers. (And authors know that if they decide to keep the relationship platonic after all that, readers will throw their books across the room and profane their name on social media.)

But what about real life? What if you like someone, but you’re not allowed to date? Or you don’t want weirdness to creep up between you and your best guy friend now that he’s shaving and winning arm-wrestling matches? Or you’re just not sure if dating is a good idea?

Friends-to-lovers makes a great trope in fiction, but in reality, there are infinite reasons why this might not be the wisest path for you at this time. So, how do you maintain a platonic relationship with someone of the opposite sex? Can it even be done?

Yes, it can, and the rewards can be great. But be forewarned: It’s a different game than maintaining a friendship with someone of your own gender. Let’s take a closer look at the challenges—and blessings—of platonic relationships between boys and girls, plus practical rules on how to be just friends with a guy. 

Why Is “Just Friends” So Hard?

You already know a platonic relationship is hard, or you wouldn’t be reading this post. But why is it so difficult? Recognizing the challenges of boy-girl friendship is the first step toward knowing how to be just friends with a guy.

Two Words: Pop Culture

Novels and movies favor romantic relationships. Every other song on the radio sings about two people falling in love (or hooking up). Almost none talk about two people meeting and becoming best friends without sex and drama. So if you’re thinking the only relationship you can have with a cute guy is romance, modern culture is largely to blame.

Your Less-Than-Helpful Other Friends

We like to pair people up because it’s more interesting than just being friends (something authors—myself included—capitalize on all the time.) But this puts pressure on you both to start thinking of your relationship in ways you might not have otherwise. 

Developing Feelings: It Happens

It’s important to recognize that developing feelings can be corralled and aren’t an automatic green light for a romantic relationship. 

You can be friends with a guy you’ve known since you were both in Pampers, and one day, his smile will give you a funny flutter in your stomach. He’ll start showing up in your daydreams and starring in your diary entries. Feelings between guy-girl friends do change, often at the worst times. 

It’s important to recognize that developing feelings can be corralled and aren’t an automatic green light for a romantic relationship. 

Sexual Tension: It’s a Real Thing

Even a “just friends” relationship can have sexual tension. That’s because the closer you get to someone, the easier it is to become more physically affectionate—which leads to lots of confusion. (And if you’re not confused, ask him what he thinks of your frequent little touches and spontaneous hugs!)

Don’t mistake sexual tension for true affection.

Why Friendship With the Opposite Sex is Worth It

Given all these complications, why bother being friends with a boy? So many reasons!

1. Guys make great friends. They’re less giggly, gossipy, and catty, plus they have an innate desire to defend and a strong sense of loyalty. Who doesn’t want a friend like that?
2. A friend is someone you tend to respect and value. Friends take care of each other, largely because they’re not hormone-driven. On the other hand, those who casually date frequently view the relationship from the angle of “What can I get out of this?” rather than how they can protect the other party.
3. You can learn so much about the opposite sex through friendship. Guys and girls think and act differently. Being friends gives you a safe glimpse into the world of the opposite sex without the pressure of romance. Trust me, you’ll want to know how males operate before you commit to a romantic relationship with one. 
4. Reduced temptation. When you’re friends with a boy, you don’t wonder if you need to kiss or hold hands. There’s no pressure to “take things further.” You can just enjoy the relationship without all the sensual baggage.
5. Less pressure to go against your values. How many couples have pressured each other to do something contrary to their beliefs? A friend doesn’t do that. A friend protects your values because they are important to you.
6. Less fear of losing him. Don’t be fooled by fiction. All romances have one of two endings: you marry, or you break up. And when a romantic relationship ends, that’s it. It’s difficult to resume a friendship after. So if you want a certain guy to remain in your life, and marriage isn’t an option in the near future, stay friends! 
7. You can be yourself. There’s much less pressure to impress a platonic guy friend than a boyfriend. People in romantic relationships are always focused on being more attractive to their partner, but friends are more accepting of each other’s quirks. Isn’t it funny how that works?

Realistic Expectations for Boy-Girl Friendships: You Need to Know This!

You should not expect to have the same level of intimacy with any of your guy friends as you do with your girl friends.

While I’ve just listed why being friends with a guy can be a great thing, I again want to reiterate that you are not living in a fictional world. YA fiction might portray intimate boy-girl friendships, but you should not expect to have the same level of intimacy with any of your guy friends as you do with your girl friends.

Let me say that again.

You cannot expect a boy-girl friendship to be the same as friendship with another girl.

Please don’t try to turn him into your bestie. See Biblical Dating: Just Friends by Boundless for more on this.

How to Be Just Friends With a Guy: 17 Practical Rules

For practical advice on how to be just friends with a guy, look no further than YA fiction. Because everything you see in a YA novel is exactly the opposite of what you should do if you want to protect your friendship with your guy friends!

1. Don’t hang out with him alone behind closed doors. And don’t hang out in each other’s bedrooms, period. Sound like a dating rule? That’s because an intimate setting has a way of escalating feelings (and hormones) that you don’t want to rouse right now.

Bonus tip from a teen girl: If you’re fighting a romantic inclination toward your guy friend, it’s also a good idea to avoid being alone with him in his car.

2. Minimize physical affection. Are you a hugger? Do you like snuggling? Save it for movie night with the girls. Give your guy friend space and avoid all the confusing feelings physical affection brings. What seems innocent to you could be messing with his head.
3. Don’t talk about your crushes, your dream boyfriend, or who you think likes you. Dating talk leads to dating feelings.
4. Occasionally say no to doing things together. Leave time for your other friends, family, and individual pursuits.
5. Group activities are good, but not required. Unless your parents have rules about you being alone together, you don’t have to only see each other in a group setting. Strong friendships thrive on regular one-on-one time. But you will need to be smart about this. (See all of the above rules.)
6. Join in his games, don’t just gawk at him. Does he like soccer? Fishing? Do it with him!
7. Don’t talk about him sexually with your girl friends. “He’s so hot! Have you seen his abs?” is not something you should be saying about a boy you want to be just friends with. And please stop your other friends from saying this for you.
8. Actually, don’t talk about them with your girl friends at all. Conversation about boys almost always goes there.
9. Set clear boundaries. A boy will feel safer being your friend if he knows you’re not looking for romance. (And state it plainly. Guys don’t like murky hints.) Do this right away, or whenever you feel your longtime friendship is swaying in a direction it can’t go.
10. Dress modestly. Conventional wisdom says dress for yourself, but Christian wisdom says don’t be a stumbling block. Yes, it’s easier for a guy to be friends with you if you aren’t flaunting your womanly assets.

Bonus resource: Is Female Immodesty Responsible For Male Lust?

11. Just act normal! Don’t giggle all the time, whisper with your friends, play dumb, or flirt.
12. Remember, your other friends don’t understand the good thing you have going on with your guy friend. So you have my permission to ignore comments like, “You guys look cute together,” or “Don’t you think he’s hot?” If you stop reacting to the goading and teasing, the gossip about your relationship should die. 

Bonus tip from a teen girl: “Don’t rush it or feel pressured by your friends. [Dating is] something a lot of people do because it’s ‘trendy.'” 

Be a good friend! If you’re the one on the outside of a boy-girl friendship, don’t be the one who makes suggestive comments or pushes them together. Get your friends-to-lovers fix from some of the suggestions in Sweet, Not Spicy: 22+ Squeaky-Clean YA Romance Novels, and let the real-life relationship follow an authentic course.

13. Show him respect without playing boy-girl games. See 8 Simple Ways Teen Girls Can Show Respect For Boys. This is a must-read for all teen girls.
14. Don’t give in to physical attraction. Yes, you can think your guy-friend is cute, but you absolutely should not dwell on that fact—or fantasize about kissing him, or secretly check him out while he’s playing baseball. Respect him. So many boy-girl friendships fall apart because of this one factor.
15. Don’t give in to fluttery feelings or fantasies. Give the devil an inch, and he’ll become your ruler.
16. If you know your guy friend likes you more than just platonically, NEVER, EVER take advantage of those feelings! I get it, it feels good to be desired. But a true friend won’t flirt or play with his heart. Set firmer boundaries if need be. What might have been okay for your relationship before might not work now, so draw more lines—and be clear about why you’re drawing them so he doesn’t feel rejected.
17. Don’t read friends-to-lovers romances. 😉

More Friendly Friendship Advice for Christian Teens

Check out some of my other posts that will help you be a better friend!

Why Should I Keep Praying for an Unbelieving Friend?

When You’re Too Embarrassed to Invite Friends to Church

8 Ways to Encourage Your Friends In Their Faith

How to Help a Friend Struggling With Gender Identity