When I was single, I read every book I could find on Christian dating. Love & Respect, Boundaries in Dating, The Five Love Languages, the no-longer-in-print I Kissed Dating Goodbye …
And my dating life was still a mess.
Looking back now, I’m embarrassed by some of the things I thought, did, and said—and that’s before I consider how I handled the physical side of my relationship.
There are lots of little ways a Christian can mess up that have nothing to do with sex.
No, I learned very quickly there are lots of little ways a Christian can mess up that have nothing (or very little) to do with sex.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did. In this post, I share nine pieces of wisdom I wish I’d had before I started dating—which I now share as Christian dating advice for young adults.
Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and
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In This Article
Dating Tips for Teens: From Courtship to Commitment
1) Learn the art of respect.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Colossians 3:12
If I were to take a poll of young couples and ask what they thought was the hardest part about dating, guys and girls alike would likely say physical boundaries. For guys, this is probably correct. But for you girls, I’m going to challenge that. For you, I bet the hardest part about dating—and all relationships with males—is something not on your radar:
Respect.
Guys desire respect as much as you desire love and affection.
Did you know guys desire respect as much as you desire love and affection? Yet if you listened to the way girls talk to and about guys, it’s clear most either don’t know that or don’t care. But what seems like innocent teasing quickly becomes scorn, and pretty soon you’re belittling him entirely.
Don’t fall into this trap. If you can’t respect a guy while you’re dating, you won’t suddenly excel at it when you’re married. See my post 8 Simple Ways Teen Girls Can Show Respect For Boys.
It could alter the course of your relationship.
2) Use words, not hints.
…in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love…
2 Corinthians 6:6
I always fantasized that the boy who loved me would magically be able to read my mind. I was even nice enough to give helpful little hints when I wanted something.
Dream on.
Girls, if you want a boy to know something about you or do something for you, TELL HIM USING PLAIN WORDS. Your hints are a foreign language to him and it’s not because he’s dense or insensitive. It is your responsibility to communicate your mind. Similarly, guys, if your girlfriend does something that bothers you, don’t give her the cold shoulder or disparage her to your friends. Use thoughtful communication.
(Anyone else notice how many romance novels would only last 20 pages if the hero and heroine had simply communicated in the beginning? Save yourself the 400-page conundrum and communicate!)
> Dating Tips for Teens <
Communication is especially important as you decide the direction of your relationship, as noted in my post How to Know if You Like Someone Who’s In Love With You.
Boundaries & Expectations in Godly Relationships
3) Talk about your boundaries in detail. No, really.
Set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
1 Timothy 4:12
In the very early stages of our dating relationship, my boyfriend and I had The Talk. It went something like this:
I show him my purity ring, which reads “True Love Waits.” He says, “I respect that.”
Hooray, we agree! Now what? Are we going to hold hands? Kiss? How affectionate should we be in front of others? How much time dare we spend alone?
We didn’t cover those bases, and the rest of our relationship felt very clunky in this department, all because we hadn’t talked.
So talk about it! Read my post The Right Reason For Purity, then set definitive boundaries and commit to them. Adjustments may be necessary as you get to know yourselves and your weaknesses but you need to VERBALLY communicate how you’re going to remain holy in your relationship.
Again, the importance of true communication.
4) Underneath the heroic shining armor, he’s a mess—just like you.
Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Romans 15:7
Think you’re going to end up with a heroic champion or flawless maiden?
Reality check: Your boyfriend or girlfriend will have flaws—and some will be quite embarrassing. She might have a habit of clipping her toenails on the couch. He might laugh too loud at other people’s jokes. Even the sweetest, most thoughtful boyfriend or girlfriend will annoy you in some way.
You can’t have Superman without the kryptonite or Cinderella without the midnight change. Cut some slack, because guess what? You’re the same. You have flaws that make him/her cringe, too.
If you are both Christ-minded, the little things shouldn’t matter. Guys and girls alike can follow the advice in Qualities of a Good Boyfriend For Christian Girls. (Yeah, it’s written for girls but guys should be looking for the same traits in a girl.)
5) You don’t have to marry the first person you date.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Psalm 32:8
By saying yes to dating, I felt like I was saying yes to marriage—and that made it hard to stay objective and enjoy our relationship.
By saying yes to dating, I felt like I was saying yes to marriage.
I’m not a fan of recreational dating. I don’t believe in dating someone you’d never consider marrying. I also believe anyone can commit to loving just about anyone else, no matter who they are. (That’s what makes arranged marriages work.) But when you’re a teen or a young college student, going into a relationship with the mentality that this person has to be The One puts a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on you both to make it work when maybe you simply aren’t right for each other.
If you keep your relationship pure and honest, you can walk walking away without leaving pieces of yourselves all over.
> Dating Tips for Teens <
Can teens date for marriage? See one perspective in Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage? And get marriage-minded with the marriage books in my list of 10 Terrific Nonfiction Books On Dating For Christian Teens.
Responsibility in Christian Dating
6) You have an obligation to curb lust.
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:3-4
It’s a good feeling when you’ve found a killer blouse and jeans and he can’t keep his eyes off you, right girls? We like to know men find us attractive, so it’s natural to want to be sexy. But before your guy became your boyfriend, he was your brother in Christ.
Would you dress like that for your brother?
Girls, the way you dress really does affect guys. And guys, you can’t blame your girlfriend for making you lust. You both have an obligation to the other to encourage faith and godliness. That means he needs to keep his mind pure, and she needs to dress properly.
> Dating Tips for Teens <
Don’t let this one slide! I encourage the teen girls who are reading this to check out my posts Christian Girls and Fashion: Why is Modesty Important? and Is Female Modesty Responsible For Male Lust? And boys will benefit from the nuggets of wisdom found in The Battle Against Lust and How to Kill it and What to Do When You Struggle With Temptation.
Christian Dating Guidelines: Balancing Relationships
7) Stay centered on Christ.
Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, who is the author of our faith and the one who brings it to its goal.
Hebrews 12:2
When it comes to Christian dating advice for young adults, this one piece pretty much covers it all. But when you’ve got stars in your eyes and your entire future planned out, it’s difficult to remember who’s writing your story. This is more than just making sure your boyfriend or girlfriend is a believer. The two of you together need to put God in the driver’s seat of your relationship.
There was a lot of unnecessary drama in my relationship with my boyfriend (hence the reason we broke up for about two years), and I think this is why. A captain who isn’t using his compass will waver on his course. Check out Author vs. Protagonist: Trust God To Write Your Love Story.
8) Don’t cut your friends and family out of the picture.
Jesus said: ”Honor your father and mother.’ And, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'”
Matthew 19:18-19
Superman had the unique ability to compartmentalize his life: Clark Kent one moment, Superman the next. The two hardly crossed.
Don’t be Superman. You might have the most wacky, embarrassing friends ever or the most critical, scrutinizing parents, but any person who becomes a significant part of your life needs to meet the people who are already there. And the people who already know you can help you decide if the one you are dating is a good match for the long term.
Any person who becomes a significant part of your life needs to see the people who are already there.
What if your best friend and your girlfriend don’t get along, or your dad thinks your boyfriend is too cocky? This is a good opportunity to talk about it and find out why. Their concerns may be legitimate. Or, they may stem from personal issues that haven’t been addressed.
Remember, the guy or girl you date will have your family for in-laws if you get married!
Caution for Teens: Don’t start dating someone behind your parents’ backs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been contacted by a reader who started a relationship but either hasn’t told their parents or waited too long, turning a nonissue into a huge issue. If your parents have any inkling that you’ve been sneaking around, they are less like to be receptive of your new relationship even if it wouldn’t have bothered them before. Just be honest from the start!
At the Foundation of Biblical Dating
9) Trust God to catch you when you fall.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Years down the road, you might look back on your own dating life and shake your head in disbelief at how you got biblical dating all wrong. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. But keep God in the center of it and he will direct your course. And if for some reason you get off course, remember: You’ve been washed in the blood of the lamb and made white as snow.
Related: Bad Landings: How to Move On After a Mistake
More Christian Dating Advice For Young Adults
You don’t have to have all the answers.
But, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Looking for specific Christian dating guidelines? Check out The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating where I answer some of your top questions.
Other posts on biblical dating:
- Is It Actually Wrong to Live Together Before Marriage?
- Christian Dating: More Than Just “Lead Us Not Into Temptation”?
- Christian Romance: The Lie Behind the First Kiss in Fiction
- Prepare Yourself For Marriage Before You Find “The One”
