When I was single, I read every book I could find on Christian teen dating advice. Love & Respect, Boundaries in Dating, The Five Love Languages, the no-longer-in-print I Kissed Dating Goodbye …
And my dating life was still a mess.
Looking back now, I’m embarrassed by some of the things I thought, did, and said—and that’s before I consider how I handled the physical side of my relationship.
There are lots of little ways a Christian can mess up that have nothing to do with sex.
No, I learned very quickly there are lots of little ways a Christian can mess up that have nothing (or very little) to do with sex.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did. In this post, I share nine pieces of wisdom I wish I’d had before I started dating—which I now share as Christian dating advice for young adults.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
9 Pieces of Christian Dating Advice For Guys & Girls
1) Respect—from the very beginning.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” -Colossians 3:12
If I were to take a poll of young Christian couples and ask them what they thought was the hardest part about dating, guys and girls alike would likely say physical boundaries.
Guys, you’re probably right. But ladies, I’m going to challenge that. For you, I bet the hardest part about dating—and all relationships with males—is something not on your radar:
Respect.
Guys desire respect as much as you desire love and affection.
Did you know that guys desire respect as much as you desire love and affection? That many of them would rather be unloved and respected than loved and disrespected? What seems like innocent teasing quickly becomes scorn, and pretty soon you’re belittling him entirely.
Don’t fall into this trap. Show some respect! If you can’t respect a guy while you’re dating, don’t expect to suddenly excel at it when you marry. See my post Respect for Guys: Why and How to Do it.
2) Talk about your boundaries, in detail. No, really.
“Set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.” -1 Timothy 4:12
In the very early stages of our dating relationship, my boyfriend and I had “The Talk.” It went something like this:
I showed him my purity ring, which read “True Love Waits,” and he said, “I respect that.”
Hooray, we agree!
Now what? Are we going to hold hands? Kiss? How affectionate should we be in front of others? How much time dare we spend alone?
We didn’t cover all those issues, and the rest of our relationship—right up until our wedding day—felt very clunky in this department, all because we hadn’t talked.
Talk about it! Read my post The Right Reason For Purity, then set definitive boundaries and commit to them. Adjustments may be necessary as you get to know yourselves and your weaknesses, but you need to VERBALLY communicate how you’re going to remain holy in your relationship. Don’t assume subtle hints are enough.
Which leads to the next point…
3) Don’t hint, spell it out.
“…in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spiritand in sincere love…” – 2 Corinthians 6:6
Do you know how to code? I’d never had any experience with HTML coding until I started this website, and let me tell you: I will ever be grateful to the creators of page-builder plug-ins that allow me to skip most coding.
Coding to me is a foreign language.
I am, however, fluent in the language of music. You can hand me a piece of sheet music and I can decipher it and possibly play or sing it for you. But I wasn’t born with that talent. It took fourteen years—approximately 4,745 hours of practice—to become fluent.
Fluency takes dedication.
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Martians and Venutians don’t speak the same language. I knew this when I started dating, but I didn’t really know it. I always dreamt that the man who loved me would magically be able to read my mind. I was even nice enough to give helpful little hints.
Dream on.
Ladies, if you want your man to know something about you or do something for you, TELL HIM IN PLAIN WORDS. He doesn’t speak your language, and it’s not because he’s dense or insensitive.
Guys, if your lady does something that bothers you, don’t give her the cold shoulder or disparage her to your friends. Use thoughtful communication.
Take the time to become fluent in each other’s language.
4) Underneath the heroic shining armor, he’s a mess—just like you.
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” -Romans 15:7
Think you’re going to end up with a heroic champion or flawless maiden?
Reality check: Your boyfriend or girlfriend will have flaws—and some will be quite embarrassing. She might have a habit of clipping her toenails into the couch and singing loud and off-key in church. He might have days of bad breath and laugh too loud at other people’s jokes.
Even the sweetest, most thoughtful boyfriend or girlfriend will annoy you in some way.
You can’t have Superman without the kryptonite or Cinderella without the midnight change. Cut him or her some slack, because guess what? You’re the same! You have flaws that make him/her cringe, too.
If you are both Christ-minded, the little things shouldn’t matter. Guys and girls alike can follow the advice in Qualities of a Good Boyfriend For Christian Girls. (Yeah, it’s written for girls, but guys should be looking for the same traits in a girl.)
5) Ladies, don’t be a temptress, intentionally or not.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment. . . . Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” -1 Peter 3:3-4
It’s a good feeling when you’ve found a killer blouse and jeans and he can’t keep his eyes off you, right? We like to know men find us attractive, so it’s natural to want to be sexy.
But before your guy became your boyfriend, he was your brother in Christ. Would you dress like that for your brother? Ick.
The way you dress really does affect guys. You have an obligation to each other to encourage faith and godliness. That means he needs to keep his mind pure, and you need to dress purely.
Check out my post What’s the Big Deal About Christian Girls and Modesty?
6) You don’t have to marry the first person you date.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” -Psalm 32:8
By saying yes to dating, I felt like I was saying yes to marriage—and that made it hard to stay objective and enjoy our relationship.
By saying yes to dating, I felt like I was saying yes to marriage.
I’m not a fan of recreational dating. I don’t believe in dating someone you’d never consider marrying. I also believe that anyone can commit to loving just about anyone else, no matter who they are. (That’s what makes arranged marriages work.) But when you’re a teen or a young college student, going into a relationship with the mentality that this person has to be “the one” puts a whole lot of unnecessary pressure on you both to make it work when maybe you simply aren’t right for each other.
If you keep your relationship pure and honest, you can walk walking away without leaving pieces of yourselves all over.
7) Always stay centered on Christ.
“Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, who is the author of our faith and the one who brings it to its goal.” Hebrews 12:2
When it comes to Christian dating advice—both for teens and adults—this one piece pretty much covers it all. But when you’ve got stars in your eyes and your entire future planned out, it’s difficult to remember who’s writing your story. This is more than just making sure your boyfriend or girlfriend is a believer. The two of you together need to put God in the driver’s seat of your relationship.
There was a lot of unnecessary drama in my relationship with Brian (hence the reason we broke up for about two years), and I think this is why. A captain who isn’t using his compass will waver on his course.
8) Don’t cut out your friends and family.
“Jesus said…”Honor your father and mother.’ And, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’” -Matthew 19:18-19
Superman had the unique ability to compartmentalize his life: Clark Kent in one moment, Superman in the next. The two hardly crossed.
Don’t be Superman! You might have the most wacky, embarrassing friends ever or the most critical, scrutinizing parents, but any person who becomes a significant part of your life needs to meet the people who are already there. And the people who already know you can help you decide if the one you are dating is a good match for the long term.
Any person who becomes a significant part of your life needs to see the people who are already there.
What if your best friend and your girlfriend don’t get along, or your dad thinks your boyfriend is too cocky? This is a good opportunity to talk about it and find out why. Their concerns may be legitimate. Or, they may stem from personal issues that haven’t been addressed.
Remember, the guy or girl you date will have your family for in-laws if you get married!
9) God lets us make decisions, and cleans up the pieces when we mess up!
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6
Years down the road, you might look back on your own dating life and shake your head in disbelief. You might even write your own list of Christian dating guidelines for the younger generation.
No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. But keep God in the center of it, and he will direct your course. And if for some reason you get off course, remember: You’ve been washed in the blood of the lamb and made white as snow.
Resources for More Christian Teen Dating Advice
Got specific questions regarding Christian dating guidelines? Check out The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating where I answer some of your top questions.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
But, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
For more Christian dating advice for guys and girls: