What’s the first image that comes to your mind when someone asks you to envision someone who’s tough?
Someone with lots of muscles, right? Like the guy who can beat anybody in an arm-wrestling competition, or the football player who can take any hit on the field and give it right back.
Or maybe you envision toughness as hardness of character—like your hard-nosed English teacher. She might not be brawny, but everyone knows not to cross her. She accepts no excuses and offers no leniency. In her class, earning a B is akin to achieving gold in the Olympic slalom.
The girl who wears combat boots, curses like a sailor, drinks with the guys, and never cries. The athlete who pushes himself so hard he throws up, the judge who shows no mercy, the guy who walks to his mailbox in shorts and sandals in the dead of January in Wisconsin…
That’s real toughness, right?
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
THE REAL DEFINITION OF REAL TOUGHNESS
We all hold a different image of who we believe is tough, but in general, they have the same makeup:
- No fear
- No weaknesses
- No limits
- No mercy
Physical strength and/or hardness of character are often seen as the keys to toughness. Therefore, the person who feels deeply—who cries when they’re upset or shows leniency to the underdog—is weak, right?
That’s the old version of toughness—the fantasy version—and I’m telling you today, it’s wrong. In reality, real toughness and strength come from within.
If you want to toughen up, you first need the correct definition of tough:
REAL TOUGHNESS = Having great capacity to face challenges, no matter what they are.
STRONG MINDS = STRONG PEOPLE
A strong mind has the energy and stamina to face challenges without being robbed of inner strength—regardless of physical capabilities. Instead of crumbling under stress, it learns from it. Failure is experienced as an opportunity for growth. The strong mind takes stock of where it’s at in the moment and makes calculated decisions based on that information.
A strong mind has the energy and stamina to face challenges without being robbed of inner strength
Mentally tough people possess certain skills and attitudes on a daily basis:
- Confidence
- Courage
- Commitment
- Control
- Purpose
Those who are truly tough work with their bodies, pay attention to their emotions instead of cutting them off, and create space to take thoughtful action rather than reacting to discomfort on the fly.
Confidence. Courage. Purpose. Sounds great, right?
What if I told you that through a gradual shift in the way you think, you could develop a strong mind, too?
GENUINE INNER STRENGTH: HOW TO DEVELOP A STRONG MIND
In his book Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong And The Surprising Science Of Real Toughness (a highly recommended read), Steve Magness spells out three pillars of toughness:
- Drop the act and embrace reality
- Listen to your body
- Train yourself to respond instead of react
- Look beyond discomfort
My most recent post No Excuses: A Challenge To Own Your Problems is the start of dropping the act and embracing reality. If you’ve read that and put its principles into practice, you’re ready for the next step:
ACCEPT WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF
True toughness starts with assessing the situation and your capabilities—long before you get to show your stuff on stage, in the classroom, or on the field. How you view yourself determines the direction you go in. Only when you come to terms with what you’re facing and what you’re capable of will you be able to deal with it and make changes.
Only when you come to terms with what you’re facing and what you’re capable of will you be able to deal with it.
This can be applied in any situation, but I like to use the analogy of a runner since it’s easily imagined even if you aren’t one yourself. A runner who goes into a race with overconfidence and false bravado will burn out before he’s reached the last mile. Contrast that with the runner who calculates the distance alongside his abilities and paces himself until the end. He holds no illusions of superhuman abilities. Instead, he works well with what he’s been given.
So how do you train yourself to accept what you’re capable of?
#1 Set manageable challenges.
We love phrases like “reach for the stars” and “dream big.” But do goals like that actually get you anywhere?
If you set your sights on the moon right off, the sheer enormity of what you’re trying to achieve will overwhelm you. Those who aim too high often quit first.
Instead, set goals just beyond your current capabilities. If your average mile is 8:09, aim to make 8:00 your new average. If you’re fairly comfortable performing your flute solo in front of your grandparents, work toward including aunts and uncles in the mix. Got all the muscles of the arm memorized for your A&P test? Set a goal to internalize the muscles of the upper leg next.
Creating manageable challenges help keep motivation high when you might otherwise be tempted to say “what’s the point?” A tough runner isn’t necessarily the one who wins the race. A tough runner is one who stays in the race by accurately assessing the situation and expected demands, then pushing his own average a little higher every time.
#2 Set authentic goals.
Authentic goals reflect who you are and what you care about.
By authentic, I mean goals that reflect your true inner being rather than ones imposed upon you by a parent, coach, or teacher. Authentic goals reflect who you are and what you care about and, therefore, give you more motivation to follow-through. When you set your own goals, you take vested interest in seeing them met.
This requires taking time to know and understand yourself. Some might achieve this through journaling or quiet moments of self-reflection. For others, it comes through conversations with people who know you well. Collect information about yourself, then set make your goals your own.
#3 Define success correctly.
Success isn’t always about outcomes—a certain rank, a certain grade, a certain award. Think of process-oriented goals.
How much effort will I put into this? What is my plan of execution? How well did it work?
Process-oriented goals give valuable feedback on how to improve in the future, thus pushing you toward a higher outcome. Success doesn’t just happen all at once at the end. Success comes with every stepping stone you leap across.
#4 Prime your mind for stress.
No matter what you’re trying to achieve, you will inevitably hit moments of fatigue, stress, or anxiety. Mentally strong people are less likely to crumble under stress not because they have some sort of superhuman ability to ignore it, but because they’ve learned to expect it and have worked out how to navigate through it.
Success isn’t always about outcomes.
Stress diminishes your confidence in your abilities and shifts you toward a negative outlook, priming you to focus on perceived threats in the environment. In this way, it hampers performance when you’re not really in danger.
Anticipate moments like this and learn to readjust. Rather than focusing on the perceived threats, seek out opportunities. What can you fix? What can you focus on? Where can you grow?
#5 Let God show you what you’re capable of with him.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
Psalm 73:26
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
No, leaning on God does not make you weak. On the contrary, faith means accepting your limits and realizing you are not invincible. Accept what you’re capable of. Then seek his strength—which has no limit.
See my post Believing In Yourself is Not Enough to Really Succeed.
Develop a Strong Mind: The Next Step
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
This is just the beginning of mental strength, so stay with me as we journey further in next week’s post What is True Confidence And Where Can I Find Some? For those wanting to go much deeper into mental strength than I can humanly manage in once-a-week blog posts, I highly recommend Steve Magness’s book, as mentioned above.