You and your best friend have known each other for years. You share a passion for mountain biking, you teased each other through first crushes, and you’re both serious about your faith. But lately, he’s been doing things with his girlfriend that you know don’t align with God’s plan for romantic relationships.
Should you call him out on it?
This is an uncomfortable problem for Christians because, let’s face it, none of us are perfect. If you confront a friend about his behavior with his girlfriend, he might point out that your profanity habit is just as un-Christian.
And he would be right.
Therefore, instead of tackling the problem, you end up with an unspoken truce: I won’t point out your sin if you don’t point out mine. Jesus took away our sins anyway, so let’s bump fists and go shoot hoops.
And the monster grows.
Confront a friend for their behavior makes no one’s “Top 10 List of Favorite Things To Do.” But it is on the list of “10 Most Loving Things To Do For a Friend,” and here’s why.
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In This Article
Real-Life Scenarios
Justin’s friend Riley struggles in English. Yesterday, Riley confided to Justin that he found someone who will write his papers for him in exchange for money…
While shopping in the cosmetic section of the local department store, Melissa sees her friend Alisha slip a tube of lipstick into her purse without paying for it…
Trevor’s cousin Carson told his parents he would be playing video games at Trevor’s, but Trevor knows Carson plans to spend the night at a party across town…
Andrea’s brother recently announced his plans to move in with his girlfriend of one year…
And all of the above are Christians. If Justin, Melissa, Trevor, or Andrea asked you what to do, what would you advise?
Confront a Friend Who Sins—or Not?
First establish that sin is in fact present.
To answer that, we first must establish that sin is in fact present in all four scenarios. Riley is lying, Alisha is stealing, Carson isn’t honoring his parents, and Andrea’s brother is committing adultery. By looking in the Bible, we know these are all sins (see Exodus 20 and Colossians 3:9).
But they’re also Christians, which means they believe Christ took away their sins (Romans 3:22-24)—including their future sins. The slate is wiped clean, they’re good to go.
Right?
Let me tell you a story…
Ashton is a football player—the star quarterback of his high school’s team. On the field, he’s a finely tuned machine—precise, focused, lethal.
One day, Ashton skips practice because he’s swamped with schoolwork. He feels bad, but the team carries on just fine so the next week, he skips another practice because of chores and homework, and the week after, two practices.
About that same time, Ashton decides the two miles he runs every morning are no longer necessary. After all, he’s already the fastest sprinter on the team, so why bother?
Weightlifting with the team is the next thing to go. He figures he’s brawny enough, so what’s wrong with taking it easy—and enjoying a few more chips and cookies?
Before you know it, Ashton isn’t even playing at games anymore. Would you still call him a football player?
The Dangerous Cycle of Sin
A similar sequence happens when sin goes unchecked.
Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin.”
John 8:34
In this verse, Jesus is telling us that it is impossible to tolerate sin without becoming a slave to it. This phenomenon, where something starts from a state of little significance and builds upon itself until it becomes more serious, is called the snowball effect, and it’s the best way to describe the cycle of sin.
Ashton exemplified the snowball effect with his gradual decline of discipline. Bank robbers also fall into the snowball effect. Few criminals can make a successful living out of robbing banks. Why? Because those who do it once and get away with it will invariably come back for more, until they are caught.
Sin can—and will—separate us from God. Unchecked, unrepented sin spirals you away from God. The first sin doesn’t seem so bad, and since nothing bad happened, you do it again. And again, and again, adding higher heights to your sin until you’ve forgotten who we are.
Don’t kid yourself. Sin is dangerous. (See my post No Fear: The Danger of Sin In Your Heart.)
Friends Don’t Let Friends Go to Hell
But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed.
Romans 2:5
A popular—and deadly—idea circulating in many Christian groups today is that love is the same as tolerance. Shouldn’t we love our brothers and sisters and friends despite their shortcomings? Wouldn’t God want us to tolerate people who have chosen a lifestyle contrary to ours?
Consider this: What if one of your friends or loved ones had cancer—and you had the cure? Cancer treatment is harrowing. Would you withhold sharing it with them on account of loving them just the way they are and wanting to prevent pain?
Of course not, because that would be cruel and evil. Without treatment, they will die.
Sin is far more serious than cancer because instead of endangering the life of a body, sin endangers the very life of a soul. Its treatment—the correction that must happen when you confront a friend who sins—hurts way less than the eventual consequences of the sin itself.
“Let it be known that the one who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”
James 5:20
So yes, Christian brothers and sisters. You should confront a friend living in sin.
What About Hypocrisy?
What about the plank and the speck Jesus talks about in Matthew 7:3-5? Is it okay for me to correct my friend when I myself am a sinner in need of a savior, too? Can I really remove a tiny speck of sawdust from my brother’s eye when I have a ginormous hunk of lumber sticking out of my own?
Absolutely! You just need to remove the ginormous hunk of lumber from your eye.
Note that Jesus never tells you to keep walking around with it. He says to remove it so you can help your brother. Removing the plank means working on the unrepentant sin in your own life. You might be doing that at the same time as your friend, and what better way to encourage each other?
For a related issue, see my post Is It Ever Okay to be Judgmental?
Go for it!
Satan considers Christians his biggest trophies and he puts in a lot of overtime trying to snag as many of us as he can. That “do not judge” rule? It’s one of his favorite ways to paralyze you when it comes to facing unrepentant sin in a friend or family member.
But someone has to do it, and you just might be the only one brave enough. Do the loving thing and confront the sin in your friends.
A Word of Caution
This article is strictly about confronting sin in Christian friends and family members. If the person of concern is an unbeliever, you should still turn her from the error of her or her ways, but his unbelief—not his sin—is the first issue to tackle. You have to amend the soil of his heart. My post Amending the Soil goes into greater depth about that.
How to Confront a Friend Who Keeps Sinning
So, how should you go about turning someone back from their sinful ways?
Be prompt.
The longer you wait to confront a friend about their behavior, the tighter he’ll hold onto it and the harder he’ll fight back. Step up and help him before it’s too late.
Be wise.
Not every sin requires confrontation. If your friend is already remorseful, there’s no need to point out her wrongdoing. But UNREPENTED sin needs to be faced, and if this is the case, timing is everything. Find a time when you’re both calm, alert, and not rushed.
Be prepared.
Know what the Bible says about the particular behavior you’re trying to irradicate. Does your friend have a bad habit of coarse language? Did he cheat on a homework assignment? Has she been intimate with her boyfriend? Find verses that apply and write them down to share with your friend for clear evidence that what he’s doing is wrong.
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Be humble.
Don’t forget about the plank. Jesus wants us to confront unrepented sin in fellow Christians, but he reminds us very bluntly in Luke 6:41-42 that we must also confront our own sin as well. Take the plank out of your eye so you can help your friend with the speck in his.
Admitting to and actively fighting against your own sin boosts your credibility when confronting sin in someone else.
Be present.
This is not the time to text or email. Meet her in person and let her see your genuine concern for herself. If that’s not possible, call her on the phone so she can hear your voice with all its inflections. Texts and emails are too flat and unemotional. Everyone has a story about a virtual message that was blown out of proportion. Don’t take a chance on this being one of those times.
Be clear.
This is the time to be kind, but direct. Don’t muddle the situation by beating around the bush. Start with something like “I know this might be difficult to hear…” or “I’ve noticed that you [insert issue here] and I’m worried because…” Get right to the point. Glazing over it won’t help either.
Be redemptive.
Obviously, the goal when you confront a friend living in unrepented sin is that she repent and turn back to God. You’re not doing this so you can be proven right or rub her nose in her errors. You’ve done the hard part—pointing out the wrongdoing. Now do the amazing part: sharing Christ’s love and forgiveness.
This applies to any and all sins. There are no sins for which God would not grant forgiveness to the repentant soul.
Be patient.
We tend to cling to and defend our sins, so odds are your friend will become defensive, at least initially. Give him time to process what you’ve said and be sympathetic. If you’ve laid out your concerns with clear vocabulary, there’s no need to repeat it over and over. Let him think about it and make his decision.
Be firm.
It’s tough when someone refuses to acknowledge his wrongdoing or repent. But if this happens, note how Jesus says to handle this situation in Matthew 18:15-20. You are to treat him like an unbeliever, someone who doesn’t know the full gospel of Jesus.
What exactly does that look like? Your friendship may have to cool for a time. This isn’t a full-out shunning. In fact, you should continue to point him to God’s Word and remind him of the basics of salvation. And you should always do it in love. But it might be through a cracked relationship that your friend sees the full magnitude of his sinful choices.
Be prayerful.
Lift her up to the Lord. The Holy Spirit works in hearts, unbinding them from slavery to sin. Pray hard and pray often for as long as it takes.
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Galatians 6:1
Make no mistake, sin is not to be taken lightly and God explicitly commands that you encourage each other in faith and confront Christian friends who walk the line of sin. But if you go through the painful process of weeding out sin, you also get to proclaim the amazing grace of our God, who has washed our sins away!Â
You don’t have to have all the answers.
But, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Scripture to Help You Confront a Friend For Their Behavior
- Romans 6:1-23 (select verses referenced above)
- Galatians 6:1
- Hebrews 3:12-13
- James 2:14-26 (Really, the whole book of James is about showing faith through deeds.)
More Helpful Posts For Helping a Friend Break the Cycle of Sin
- Help a Friend Who Struggles With Gender Identity
- 8 Ways to Encourage Your Friends In Their Faith
- Your Deepest Desires: The Truth About Habitual Sin
- How to Overcome Habitual Sin: Why Persistence Matters
