So you have a friend living in sin? This is an uncomfortable problem for us Christians because, let’s face it, none of us are perfect. If I call out my friend on her crude language, she might point out that my gossip habit is just as un-Christian.
And she would be right.
Therefore, instead of tackling the problem, we end up with an unspoken truce: I won’t point out your sin if you don’t point out mine. Jesus took away our sins anyway, so let’s bump fists and go get a facial at the mall.
And the monster grows.
“Confront a friend who sins” makes no one’s Top 10 List of Favorite Things To Do. But it is on the list of 10 Most Loving Things To Do, and here’s why.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
Real-Life Scenarios
Justin’s friend Riley struggles in English. Yesterday, Riley confided to Justin that he found someone who will write his papers for him in exchange for money…
While shopping in the cosmetic section of the local department store, Melissa sees her friend Alisha slip a tube of lipstick into her purse without paying for it…
Trevor’s cousin Carson told his parents he would be playing video games at Trevor’s, but Trevor knows Carson plans to spend the night at his girlfriend’s house…
Andrea’s brother recently announced his plans to move in with his girlfriend of one year…
And all of the above are Christians. If Justin, Melissa, Trevor, or Andrea asked you what to do, what would you advise?
Confront a Friend Who Sins—or Not?
First establish that sin is in fact present.
To answer that, we first must establish that sin is in fact present in all four scenarios. Riley is lying, Melissa is stealing, and Andrea’s brother and Trevor’s cousin are both committing adultery. By looking in the Bible, we know these are all sins (see Exodus 20:14-15 and Colossians 3:9).
But they’re also Christians, which means they believe Christ took away their sins (Romans 3:22-24)—including their future sins. The slate is wiped clean, they’re good to go.
Right?
Let me tell you a story…
Ashton is a football player—the star quarterback of his high school’s team. On the field, he’s a finely tuned machine—precise, focused, lethal.
One day, Ashton skips practice because he’s swamped with schoolwork. He feels bad, but the team carries on just fine so the next week, he skips another practice because of chores and homework, and the week after, two practices.
About that same time, Ashton decides the two miles he runs every morning are no longer necessary. After all, he’s already the fastest sprinter on the team, so why bother?
Weightlifting with the team is the next thing to go. He figures he’s brawny enough, so what’s wrong with taking it easy—and enjoying a few more chips and cookies?
Before you know it, Ashton isn’t even playing at games anymore. Would you still call him a football player?
The Snowball Effect of Unchecked Sin
A similar sequence happens when sin goes unchecked.
Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin.”
John 8:34
In this verse, Jesus is telling us that it is impossible to tolerate sin without becoming a slave to it. This phenomenon, where something starts from a state of little significance and builds upon itself until it becomes more serious, is called the snowball effect.
Ashton exemplified the snowball effect with his gradual decline of discipline. Bank robbers also fall for the snowball effect. Very few criminals can make a successful living out of robbing banks. Why? Because those who do it once and get away with it will invariably come back for more, until they are caught.
Sin can—and will—separate us from God. Unchecked, unrepentant sin has a spiral effect, spiraling away from God. The first sin doesn’t seem so bad, and since nothing bad happened, we do it again. And again, and again, adding higher heights to our sin until we’ve forgotten who we are.
Sin is dangerous. (See my post No Fear: The Danger of Sin In Your Heart.)
Friends Don’t Let Friends Go to Hell
But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed.
Romans 2:5
A popular—and deadly—idea circulating in many Christian groups today is that love is the same as tolerance. Shouldn’t we love our brothers and sisters and friends despite their shortcomings? Wouldn’t God want us to tolerate people who have chosen a lifestyle contrary to ours?
Consider this: What if one of your friends or loved ones had cancer—and you had the cure? Cancer treatment is harrowing. Would you withhold sharing it with them on account of loving them just the way they are and wanting to prevent pain?
Of course not, because that would be cruel and evil. Without treatment, they will die.
Sin is far more serious than cancer because instead of endangering the life of a body, sin endangers the very life of a soul. Its treatment—the correction that must happen when you confront a friend who sins—hurts way less than the eventual consequences of the sin itself.
“…let it be known that the one who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”
James 5:20
So yes, Christian brothers and sisters. You should confront a friend living in sin.
What About Hypocrisy?
What about the plank and the speck Jesus talks about in Matthew 7:3-5? Is it okay for me to correct my friend when I myself am a sinner in need of a savior, too? Can I really remove a tiny speck of sawdust from my brother’s eye when I have a ginormous hunk of lumber sticking out of my own?
Absolutely! You just need to remove the ginormous hunk of lumber from your eye.
Note that Jesus never tells you to keep walking around with it. He says to remove it so you can help your brother. Removing the plank means working on the unrepentant sin in your own life. You might be doing that at the same time as your friend, and what better way to encourage each other?
For a related issue, see my post Is It Ever Okay to be Judgmental?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Go for it!
Do the loving thing and confront the sin in your friends. For practical tips on how to do that with love: How To Confront a Friend Who Keeps on Sinning
A Word of Caution
This article is strictly about confronting sin in Christian friends and family members. If the person of concern is an unbeliever, you can still turn her from the error of her or her ways, but his unbelief—not his sin—is the first issue to tackle. You have to amend the soil of her heart. My post Amending the Soil goes into greater depth about that.
May God bless your loved ones!
Scripture to Help You Confront a Friend Living in Sin
- Romans 6:1-23 (select verses referenced above)
- Galatians 6:1
- Hebrews 3:12-13
- James 2:14-26 (Really, the whole book of James is about showing faith through deeds.)