Ever feel like the world is stacked against you? Your day was fine until some jerk cut you off on the highway. Then an ornery cop pulled you over and slapped you with a speeding ticket, and on top of that, your ruthless chemistry teacher pulled a pop quiz.
Goodbye, happy day! Hello, frustration.
Deferring responsibility when something goes wrong is a natural human default. It gives you a scapegoat for your negative feelings and erases the burden of undoing a bad circumstance. And sometimes a problem truly does originate from an outside source. The Civil Rights movement didn’t wipe out inequality. STOMP Out Bullying hasn’t ended all instances of cyber harassment. Poverty still exists, disease and murder still happen, kids are still abused.
You might’ve been one of them.
No one can ruin your life without your permission.
But if you keep telling yourself your life is messed up because of what someone else did or because of something that happened to you in the past, YOU WILL NEVER SEE CHANGE.
Change happens when you decide to own your problems and stop blaming others.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
STOP THE BLAME GAME, TAKE BACK THE KEYS
How much power do you want to hand to someone else? I always tell my boys, “No one can ruin your day without your permission.” Sure, someone might make a rude remark about your appearance or steal your wallet or cut you out of an important social group. But that person didn’t ruin your day.
You ruined your day by choosing to wallow in it.
The hard reality is, when you blame someone else for your problems, you give that person power over your life. You won’t see change unless he changes. You handed him the keys to your happiness, success, and victory, and he threw them in a muddy pond.
No one can ruin your life without your permission.
So what do you do? Go fish those keys out of the mud.
STEP 1: TELL YOURSELF THE TRUTH
If you’re honest about wanting to change, then it’s time to be one hundred percent honest with yourself. Find a mirror—seriously, this is not optional—face your reflection eyeball to eyeball, and tell yourself the truth you need to own. This isn’t the time for gentle self-love so don’t go soft and worry about hurting your own feelings. You’re tough, you can handle it.
I failed the class because I never handed in homework.
I got a ticket because I was breaking the law.
I’m fat because I eat garbage and drink too much soda.
I suck at piano because I put more time into whining about how hard it is than I do practicing.
People treat me like I’m a punk because I dress like a punk.
My parents don’t trust me because I’m a disrespectful jerk who never honors their rules.
I’m still struggling with depression because I’ve never attempted to make any changes and didn’t even try my therapist’s suggestions.
I fell for that temptation because I have no self-control.
I have no self-control because I never exercise it.
This is about telling yourself the truth.
Sound harsh? Compared to my earlier preaching about positive self-talk, yes, it is. But I haven’t reversed my position. This is about telling yourself the truth, and sometimes the truth burns. Owning-up is not the same as self-blame. If you were hurt or abused by someone, telling yourself you deserved it is not telling yourself the truth. That person is still accountable for his actions. But how you react to the negative—even the horrifying—experiences in life lands on you.
Pigs love to wallow in mud. Humans love to wallow in self-pity. The first step to change is to pull yourself out of the pool of self-pity and wash it off!
And you know what happens when you finally take responsibility for yourself? It’s liberating. Totally, brazenly liberating. Because now you FINALLY have the power to fix the thing that has been negatively affecting your life and your outlook for quite some time.
Why doesn’t God fix it?
It’s a natural question for any young Christian to have: Why doesn’t God sweep in and wipe out all my problems? He says he loves me, so why does he let me suffer through this?
Yes, God loves you—and that’s the answer. He knows a miraculous rescue, while exciting in the moment, would remove all opportunity for you to build resilience and maturity of faith.
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
James 1:12
Don’t misunderstand. You don’t earn the crown by doing tough things. You receive the crown because, by doing tough things, you’ve shown your love for Jesus is genuine.
You’re not a sissy. Don’t settle for sissy faith. Prove your love for God by striving to be the person he made you to be. (For more about this, read the rest of James 1.)
STEP 2: OWN YOUR PROBLEMS
Now that you’ve finally taken responsibility for your circumstances, don’t waste time with self-hate. Move forward!
Still looking in the mirror, tell yourself the truth again, this time with the principles of positive self-talk:
I am stronger than this. I can own up to my contribution to this issue and finally change it. From now on, I’m going to move toward my goals and make changes. I am loved by God, and through him, I can accomplish anything.
What is it that you want to change? Pinpoint the problem, then identify some goals, write them on sticky notes, and plaster your mirror with them.
Run every day before breakfast!
Make your bed like you’re in the military!
Chemistry homework before fun!
Wash the dishes without being asked!
No more soda!
Stop caving!
If you’ve followed through on the above steps, you should feel energized right now. Which is great, because you’re just getting started.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
STEP 3: EXIT YOUR COMFORT ZONE
The first two steps are the fun part. Now comes the hard part: following through.
You can do it. You’re tougher than you think. Lift your chin, square up your shoulders, and follow me to the next post Mental Toughness for Christians: Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable.
Good one, Lauren. Self awareness is so critical. When I find myself reacting strongly and especially negatively to something I ask myself why? What is going on with me that I am feeling that way. Why is this making me so angry, defensive, sad etc. It is a hard thing to take a closer look sometimes but can be so enlightening and keeps me from the blame game. It doesn’t excuse the rude remark or the bad behavior but it helps me know me better and when I better understand myself I can live/be better. I learned a long time ago that when I see a trait in someone else that really bugs me I have to take a good long look at myself because 9 times out of 10 it is a trait that I also possess, a reflection maybe? Anyway, thank you again for another thought provoking and well written article. Have a blessed and beautiful day.
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