“Is it okay to live with my boyfriend? We’re planning on getting married anyway.“
Statistics show a staggering 70% of marriages begin with cohabition while anywhere from 50-65% of Americans believe living together before marriage will improve the likelihood of staying together in the long run.
But is this true? Does cohabitation give you an advantage over couples who wait until their wedding night?
More importantly for Christians, what does the Bible say about this matter? Is it wrong to live together before marriage?
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
What Research Says About Living Together Before Marriage
In theory, cohabitation might seem make sense. When you live together, you get to test out your compatibility. Does he snore? Is she a slob? Can I deal with his habit of wearing his shoes in the house for the long run?
Anyone scouting for a marriage partner certainly wants to find someone who is, for the most part, a companionable partner. It’s part of the vetting process.
But here’s the thing. The statistics on this topic are shockingly one-sided—in favor of waiting for marriage. And I’m not referring to studies done by religious organizations, whom you might expect to be biased. The University of Denver conducted a 2022 study that confirmed cohabitating couples were more likely to divorce than those who waited. Furthermore, the Wall Street Journal—an undeniably secular publication—printed an article in Februrary 2022 citing research that shows marrying young without ever having lived together makes for some of the lowest divorce rates of all.
Why do you suppose this is true?
Commitment Vs. Vacillation
Each study has its own theories behind the reasons for these results, but essentially it boils down to the incorrect belief that cohabitation is a rehearsal for marriage. Couples who live together before marriage might think they are practicing the skills necessary for marriage, when in reality they’re missing the biggest one: commitment. Commitment is defined as the “state or quality of being dedicated to a cause.” When you commit to something, you determine to stick it out no matter what.
God defines commitment in marriage like this:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:25, 28, 33
Do you know what’s not in those verses? The word “if.” There’s no “love your wives IF they make you happy” or “respect your husband IF he does everything right.”
Marriage is supposed to be all in.
Cohabitation is not all in. It’s akin to testing the water to see if you like it, and even cohabitation during engagement lacks the “all in” that comes with marriage. As Pastor Mike Novotny says in his sermon on this subject, living together before marriage is like practicing free-throws with the wrong form.
You’re still keeping your foot in the door in case this doesn’t work out when you really should be saying “I’m going to do this no matter what.”
There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.
Proverbs 14:12
Yeah, but is it wrong to live together before marriage? What the Bible Says
Okay, so we’ve established that living together before marriage is risky business, but is it truly wrong? Can we simply minimize the risks to make it work and have it be okay?
It’s time for a little tough love, my friend. Because frankly, if you read the Bible at all and believe what it says, you cannot justify living together before marriage.
In Matthew 19:4-6, Jesus gave a recap on the institution of marriage as designed by God:
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
In John 4:17-18, Jesus drew attention to the sin of a woman who was cohabitating:
“You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
And the most candid of all the verses about marriage is Hebrews 13:4:
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
God designed marriage for a reason. “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18). You don’t marry someone because they make a decent roommate and like to cuddle with you on movie nights. You marry someone whom you can count on to be your partner no matter what—someone who will commit to loving you no matter how badly you mess up. When you stand at the altar on your wedding day, you’re both pledging nothing less than total commitment to each other.
Don’t cheapen it by keeping one foot in the door “just in case.”
Jump In All the Way
When I counsel young people who are debating living together, my advice is this:
If you don’t know whether you want to marry this person, you have no business sharing a home or bed with him. If you’re sure you want to marry this person, then get married! No need to wait two years so you can have the perfect Cinderella wedding. Commit to having a Christ-like marriage.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”
Proverbs 18:22
If this topic strikes home with you, I highly recommend checking out this episode from Time of Grace, which I referred to above.
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