Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage?

Not long ago, I was contacted by a high school senior looking for specific relationship advice. He ended his query with, “How young is too young to be dating to marry? Is there a limit?” I’m not sure if this is a common question for teens. For some, marriage is something you only thought about once in the past year, and that was at your cousin’s wedding. If you’re in college, it’s likely on your radar but still sags beneath the weight of academics and career moves.

But it’s a thought worth exploring: Is it ever too young to be thinking about marriage?

This is probably the closest thing to an opinion piece you’ll find on my blog. It’s extremely important to me that what you find on any of my web pages is backed by God’s word so a lot of prayer is involved. In that way, THIS ARTICLE IS NO DIFFERENT.

But God’s Word doesn’t give mandates for the proper marrying age. This is something he leaves to our Christian discernment (Philippians 1:9-11). He does, however, talk about the purpose of marriage and the depth of its bond. Therefore, what I write here is gleaned from what I’ve learned about marriage from the Bible combined with personal experience and observations.

So…is it ever too young to be thinking about marriage? If you’re both committed Christians, who cares if you’re not 27 and finished with graduate school? But while the teen years are a prime time to begin preparing yourself for the commitment of holy matrimony, for most young people, serious talk about marriage is best reserved for after high school.

Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.

Young Marriage: A Cultural Issue

Think about the questions teens and college students are bombarded with today: What are your plans for after high school? What are you going to major in? Have you chosen a school? Are you considering graduate school? Any job prospects lined up?

When was the last time someone approached you and asked, “Who do you plan to marry after high school? Have you considered what kind of marriage you’d like to have?”

It’s ironic when you think about it. Eighty percent of college students change their major at least once and three times is not unusual. The average person will change careers five to seven times during their working years. Thirty percent of the total workforce changes jobs every 12 months. That’s a lot of turnaround!

But Christian marriage is a lifelong commitment. Divorce statistics are irrelevant here.

how young is too young to consider marriage

Our culture doesn’t groom young people for marriage and commitment. You’re probably being pressured into making career decisions right now but nobody’s checking in on your relationship temperature. The order is assumed: 1) graduate high school, 2) go to college, 3) start your career or go on to graduate school, 4) get married.

But just because our culture doesn’t value marriage doesn’t mean you can’t.

What Does the Bible Say About Marriage?

God likes talking about marriage.

Genesis 2:18: The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
Hebrews 13:4: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.”
Proverbs 18:22: “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.”
Proverbs 19:14: “Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.”

Perhaps the most pointed passages about marriage are the stark parallels drawn between the unity of marriage and the relationship between Christ and the church in Ephesians 5:21-33. Marriage is desirable and part of God’s plan.

What Does the Bible Say About Work?

But he’s not silent on work either.

Proverbs 16:3: “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.”
Ecclesiastes 5:18: “It is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot.”
1 Corinthians 10:31: “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”
2 Thessalonians 3:10: “The one who is unwilling to work shall not eat.”

Work is important for God’s people as he created us to do good and contribute to society but nowhere in the Bible does it emphasize “finding yourself” through your work. Therefore, it seems to me that the emphasis on career and de-emphasis on marriage in our culture is not in balance with God’s Word.

Marriage: How Young is Too Young?

Given what you’re up against in modern culture, if you’re a high school student, I suggest holding off on serious talk about marriage with your boyfriend/girlfriend. You’ve got time. However, any legal adult couple in a long-term relationship could potentially consider marriage. It’s not a decision to take lightly or jump into blindly. A successful marriage requires two things:

COMMITMENT: You both have to decide you’re in this for life. Even if it grows stale. Even if something better comes along. Even if one week in you realize you’ve made a mistake.
COMMUNICATION: You’ve got to be on the same page or, at the very least, the same chapter when it comes to making decisions about your relationship.

Problems arise when you’re not in the same chapter as your boyfriend or girlfriend. This can happen any time but especially for teen and young adult couples. You might be seriously thinking you want to marry this guy and he’s thinking he’s having a good time dating you and marriage isn’t even on his radar.

You must communicate your intentions to your dating partner. Not on the first date (which would make any sane person run for cover) but eventually. Talk about where your relationship is headed and see if you both have the same vision because marriage takes commitment from BOTH of you.

Benefits of Marrying Young vs. Benefits of Waiting

For this post, I define a young marriage age as 18 to 25. (For the record, I married my husband when I was 23.)

Benefits of Marrying Young:

Marriage reduces temptation.

Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians 7:9 where he says it is “better to marry than to burn with passion.” If you’re in love and you’re both committed, why not just marry and stop tempting yourselves? (For this reason, I absolutely do not recommend a long engagement. Mine was two years, and it was tough!)

Note that lust and temptation are not eliminated in marriage. Keep reading for more on this.

You have a partner for the open road.

Lots of changes happen in the lives of 18- to 25-year-olds. It’s kind of nice having someone at your side to help you navigate.

Having children is easier if you don’t wait until your thirties.

I’m speaking physically here. It’s just true, the average person has a lot more pep in their twenties for chasing after toddlers, climbing jungle gyms, rolling around on the floor wrestling…

You get to practice the art of commitment.

There are many ways to develop commitment but the best is to just do it. Close off all other options and dedicate yourself to one person. The more you practice commitment, the more ingrained it becomes in your thinking.

You have more energy to do things together.

This one is from my husband when I asked what he thought the benefits of marrying young were. He’s right. We did all sorts of hiking, camping, and other outdoor activities in the early years of our marriage (partly because we had no money) and still look back on that time with fondness.

(For the record, we still spend time together but the nature of it has changed slightly.)

You’re not as set in your ways.

The longer you live on your own, the harder it is to accommodate another person in your home, your life, and your thinking. Consider your old bachelor uncle about whom everyone says, “No woman would ever be able to put up with him!”

You get to grow together.

People change a lot over time. Eighteen-year-old you will be very different from 25-year-old you, and 40-year-old you will cringe when he/she looks back on how you were 22 years ago. Some will use this as an excuse for why you should not marry young. How do you know if you will still love your spouse in seven years?

The answer is commitment. When you marry young, you get the privilege of shaping each other and growing together as you do. Like the peppy ending song from High School Musical says, “We’re all in this together.”

Marriage makes you more Christlike.

Another author (whose name I unfortunately cannot recall) said if you want to have more time for Christ, stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to be like Christ, get married. Nothing makes you face your flaws and faults like a marriage relationship.

Whoever he was, he’s absolutely right.

Benefits of Waiting for Marriage

There are good reasons to postpone marriage, and I’m listing them here in no particular order.

Is it ever too young to be thinking about marriage

Having kids makes completing your college education more difficult.

This was at play in why I agreed to a two-year engagement with Brian. He asked me to marry him in November of my senior year of college but he still had one year left after I graduated so we thought the prudent thing to do was wait. Was it? I’m not sure. It all worked out but now I realize it would have worked out either way, just maybe differently.

Still, it’s something to keep in mind. Because despite what you’ve been taught about modern birth control, babies can still surprise you. And while getting through college with a little one in tow might be difficult, it’s not impossible.

You’re more mature later.

Did you, like me, make a list of what you wanted in a spouse when you were in middle school? I bet if you did it today, the list will look different. Age tends to mellow unrealistic expectations. You might be all starry-eyed about your girlfriend now, then in five years look back and think, “Man, I’m glad I didn’t marry her!” Honestly, that can happen at any age. But there are ways to make this occurrence less likely.

The bigger issue here is that younger people are still going through significant physical changes. Your brain doesn’t finish developing until your mid-to-late 20s, impacting how you regulate actions, thoughts, and emotions. This is especially true of young men, who tend to be about two years behind in physical development than women. (Sorry, guys, but you can’t argue against how your creator made you!)

It sounds scary but it isn’t like Bang! Your brain is done cooking. Now you’ll finally make good decisions. Already as a teen, your brain is ready to learn and adapt. By your twenties, things are falling into place. So between this phenomenon and our culture’s lack of marriage know-how, 18 might still be a little young to plunge into a marriage contract. But by 23, you’re already that much better at regulating emotions and controlling impulses.

(And some 18-year-olds are more reasonable and responsible than some 30-year-olds. Just don’t assume you are one of them.)

If your parents are constantly saying you’re impulsive and immature, maybe you’re not ready for a marriage commitment. And maybe you need to work on that so you don’t end up like one of those “adultolescent” 30-year-olds.

Your communication skills will be better.

Few things trump the experience that comes with age where communication is concerned. But you can start learning to be a good emotional communicator now.

You’re more financially stable.

This is a biggie for a lot of couples, for good reason. When marry, you’re no longer a dependent on your parents’ tax forms. You’re responsible for not only your bills and needs but also for your spouse’s and it’s a duty you must take seriously. But consider this: Will you ever feel financially secure? Will it happen when you snag your first job? (You’ll still have a ton of student loans to pay off.) How about when you have a down payment for a house? (Then you’ll have a mortgage, possibly on top of a car loan and some credit card debt.)

Take it from me, it will be years before you feel 100% secure financially. For some, it never happens, and for that reason, you shouldn’t put all the weight of your decision on your financial state. If you’re concerned, talk to a trusted, financially literate adult. (The key being financially literate, which excludes some parents.)

It’s easier to get familial support for your marriage.

Where your mom and dad might be all for you marrying this guy when you’re both 25, they might balk when you suggest it at 20. Some of you (those under 18) are still waiting for the go-ahead from your parents to turn your friendship into something more. It’s important to honor your parents and take into consideration any legitimate concerns they have about the drawbacks and benefits of marrying young.

This is a big point that I want to make clear. You might be thinking about blowing off your family’s opinion but if you’re under 25 and considering marriage, having the support of your family can make all the difference between smooth riding and the wheels coming off. Sit down and talk it over at a time when you are calm and willing to listen to other viewpoints.

Note that the benefits of waiting do NOT include a lower divorce rate. Check out this study that compares age at first marriage and marital quality.

Commitment isn’t always age-related. It’s often set in your mind from a young age based on what you’ve been taught and your personal experiences.

Who Should Wait For Marriage?

If you don’t feel ready or if you’re being pressured by your boyfriend/girlfriend, it’s wise to wait. You still have time. Some people, however, are definitely not ready for marriage. If either you or your dating partner falls into one of the following categories, it doesn’t matter your age. Please hold off on marriage until you’ve resolved the issue.

Anyone dealing with the after-effects of abuse. This is huge. If you’ve been a victim and find it impacting your life and thinking to a high extent, seek professional help now. A husband/wife will not be able to fix this problem.
Anyone who sees marriage as a quick fix for lust. Temptation doesn’t go away in marriage. In some ways, it becomes more of a battle because now you’re locked in with one person and you must say no to EVERYBODY ELSE. FOR. THE. REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE. Really, it’s not the prison sentence this seems. Commitment to one person is a beautiful place. But if you don’t think so, don’t marry. Marrying for the sole reason of gratifying your desires is no better than using someone for one night.

Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage?

Fourteen-year-olds should not be talking about marriage to a specific person. (Many parents don’t even let their 14-year-olds date.) But anyone over 16 can and should start preparing themselves mentally for the lifelong commitment of marriage, regardless of their relationship status. Check out my article How to Prepare Yourself For Marriage Before You Find “The One”.

If you’re a young adult who’s in a serious relationship that’s heading toward marriage, make time for premarital counseling from a Christian provider. (Many ministers offer or even require this before marrying a couple.) I also highly recommend seeking an older couple who can mentor you through the first few years of your marriage.

More Christian Teen Dating Advice

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Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage?

In This Article

Young Marriage: A Cultural Issue

What Does the Bible Say About Marriage?

What Does the Bible Say About Work?

Marriage: How Young is Too Young?