Are Christian girls supposed to share the burden of helping boys control their thoughts? Does the clothing you wear make you a partner in their sin? Are immodest women responsible for male lust?
This is a topic I feel very passionate about, partly because it’s never going to disappear Even in my thirties, I still have to consider my greater role in the grand scheme of things whenever I sift through racks of clothing at the local thrift store or pair blouses with tank tops from my closet.
Girls, we have a responsibility to get this right. And the answer is two-fold—so please don’t read the first part and say, “Okay, I’m good to go!” Because YOU will benefit from knowing both.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR MALE LUST?
1) No, You Are Not Responsible For Causing Guys to Lust.
As clearly stated by a man in this article about modesty, “Women deserve respect regardless of what they choose to wear. If a man can’t look at a woman in a respectful way, then the problem is not her body. The problem is his mind and his heart.”
Women deserve respect regardless of what they choose to wear.
It is wrong to shame a woman for the abuse she may have suffered at the hands of a male by telling her, “You asked for it with the way you dressed.” Such implications shift the blame from where it really belongs—on the man who failed to treat her with respect.
As I said in an earlier post on Christian girls and modesty, we women do not have a monopoly on self-control. God gave it to men too, and they are capable of using it. I like to tell my sons, “God gave you eyelids and a neck to turn your head for a reason. Use them.”
But if you stop reading right now, you’re missing the other half of the answer—the half that women usually don’t want to hear. And much to our loss.
2) Yes, You Are Responsible For Doing Right By Your Brothers in Christ.
No, I’m not making an about-face. Because there’s a deeper side to this issue we must consider.
We Christian women would do well to remember something creators of pornography have already figured out: Males are visually stimulated. When you walk by in a tight, bellybutton-baring, spaghetti-strap tank top, they’re going to notice. Some will gawk, others might have the good sense to look away, but even those will be aware of exactly where you are at all times.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. My husband and I will be out in public and he’ll turn to me and say, “Did you see what that woman was wearing?!” And I’ll say, “What woman?”
Men are wired to notice the female body. Everyone knows this, especially Hollywood. When Sandy walks out in her skintight black leather getup at the end of Grease, Danny isn’t looking into her eyes as they dance through “You’re the One That I Want.” He’s checking her out, up and down.
All women know, on some level, that guys are stimulated by the sight of the female body. Don’t believe me? Pause and ask yourself this: Have I ever worn something with the hope that a guy will notice me?
Be honest.
Guys Like to Look at Girls. How is That My Problem?
Let’s get one thing straight before I answer that: Men who lust are not perverts. Every man has lusted at some point in his life. God created them to be attracted to the naked female body so they would seek a female counterpart and procreate, and within the confines of marriage, this is an awesome thing.
But outside of marriage? It’s lust. And lust is a sin.
And Jesus was very clear when he spoke to his disciples about what happens to those who cause others to sin:
“Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. 2 It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck.”
Luke 17:1-2
I’m going to be frank with you, ladies. You cannot dress however you want and expect the guys around you not to lust, then believe it’s their fault alone if they do. If you are careless with your clothing choices and the sight of your flesh causes a brother in Christ to stumble, you are partly responsible.
We women get all huffy when this comes up, as though taking partial blame for someone else’s sin is a way to shame us. And heaven forbid anyone admits that men struggle with this.
But we’ll never get past the problem if we won’t accept the truth.
Modesty & The Battle Against Lust: A Shared Problem
If you think of Christ as the center of your solar system, then lust is the thing that pulls you out of orbit. You no longer have the supreme giver of light and life in focus, and your world grows cold and dark. One given over to lust is like a vampire racing through the night with one intent driving all his instincts: to satisfy his ravenous craving. He cannot think about the needs of another, much less give unconditional love.
Is that the kind of man you want to date or marry?
Me neither. Saying this isn’t your problem is like saying his end of the boat is sinking. In the end, if he sinks, so will you.
Saying this isn’t your problem is like saying his end of the boat is sinking.
As a woman, you have an extraordinary power, and I’m not referring to the power to seduce. You have the power to educate and influence guys. If you show through your appearance, your speech, and your conduct that you recognize your value before God, they will treat you accordingly.
But more than that, you have the power to build males up and clear some of the stumbling blocks on their pathway to Christ. The young man who keeps Christ in the center of his solar system becomes a husband who is able to give a woman unconditional love and help her battle her own weaknesses.
When guys win, we win too.
CONCLUSION
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.
Romans 14:13
Use your power to turn hearts, not heads. Share the burden of helping each other live in holiness. After all, you’re on the same pathway to eternity.
For Further Reading
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
- The Great Controversy over Modesty
- Respect For Guys: Why and How to Do It
- A Christian Girl’s Perspective on Fashion
- Desiring God has awesome, deeply biblical articles on almost any issue presented to Christians. Check out these tow articles on modesty: Does God Care What I Wear? and Modesty Misunderstood: What Men and Women Need to Know.
- Ever wonder what guys think of this topic? The Rebelution conducted a survey on modesty, bringing in responses from over 1,600 Christian guys, and the fascinating results are summarized in the article What do Christian guys think about modesty?
Related: 7 Common Lies That Christian Girls Believe About Sex