Q: “I really like this guy from church. We’ve been friends for a few years but recently he told me he’d like to date me. We both want the blessing of our parents but my parents won’t allow me to date until I’m 18. How can I talk to them about dating without them flipping out?”
I frequently get questions like this from my readers—everything from How can I get my parents to let me date? to How do I tell my parents I’ve been dating this girl for a while? I love queries like these because they show a willingness to respect parental authority and date responsibly. If you’re still in high school, ultimately your parents have the final say in whether or not you’re allowed to date and how you go about doing it.
But that’s why you need to get the conversation started.
In a minute, we’ll get practical about how to talk to your parents about dating but let me first clarify a few points.
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In This Article
Why You Must Honor Your Parents With Dating
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Ephesians 6:1
God doesn’t give a huge explanation as to why you must honor your parents. He simply says you are to do it. He gave them authority over you—an authority that comes with the enormous responsibility of bringing you up in the “training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Your parents might have a different way of doing that than your friend’s parents but in almost all cases of strictness over dating, it’s because the parent is trying to protect the child.
Honoring your father and mother (or whoever your legal guardian is) doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they do. But it is your duty to respect and obey them.
Besides, your parents played a huge part in embedding you with all the traits that make someone else want to date you. It makes sense that you should honor them not just for their authority, but also for their importance in crafting who you are today.
Related: A Teen’s Guide to Understanding Parents
What is a Good Age to Start Dating?
Pediatricians generally recommend teens wait until at least 16 to start one-on-one dating. It might not seem like it to you if you’re on the younger side of things, but there’s an enormous difference between a 14-year-old and a 17-year-old in terms of life experience. Dating comes with enormous responsibilities that younger teens (even mature ones) are not equipped to handle.
But being 16 or 17 isn’t an automatic green light. That’s why including your parents in your decision to date is important. They might see things in you that could negatively affect a romantic relationship.
There’s an enormous difference between a 14-year-old and a 17-year-old in terms of life experience.
If you’re under 14, I recommend you hold off on dating and focus on building healthy friendships with members of both genders. The communication and cooperation skills you learn in platonic relationships will better prepare you for future romantic relationships.
And for the 14- and 15-year-olds reading this, now is a good time to open conversations about dating with your parents. Why not learn their expectations and concerns before you enter the dating scene?
Before Initiating a Conversation About Dating
1) Define “dating” in your head.
Showing maturity in this situation is extremely important
Before you even approach your parents, it’s a good idea to know what you’re asking for, and that means clarifying in your head what dating in high school looks like. Are you thinking strictly one-on-one time together or do you include group dates with friends? Do you have a specific person in mind or are you going for general permission to date when the opportunity arises? What are your boundaries for physical intimacy? (You should figure this one out before you start dating anyway.)
Knowing your goals and defining parameters will not only help you start the conversation but will demonstrate you’ve thought this through with some maturity. And showing maturity in this situation is extremely important, seeing as how many parents ban dating because they feel their teens aren’t mature enough.
2) Don’t wait until you are already dating!
You know that saying “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission”? So not true in this situation. Explaining to your parents why you went behind their back is much more difficult. Take it from the many readers who have come to me for advice on repairing their shattered relationship with their parents after such a secret is revealed.
Dating behind their back will support their assumption that you are not mature enough to handle dating.
Essentially, dating behind their back will support their assumption that you are not mature enough to handle dating. So don’t wait until you’ve already jumped in to bring it up.
Ideally, you’ll talk to your parents about dating before you have your eye on someone or are asked. That way, you’ll already know the answer and be free either to accept a date or graciously decline. But definitely bring it up as soon as you find yourself interested in someone more than just as a friend.
How to Talk to Your Parents About Dating: 7 Tips
1) Bring it up during a time of peace.
This is sage advice for any difficult or controversial conversation. Pick a time when everyone involved is calm. Approaching your dad about dating while he’s scrambling to meet an important deadline at work probably isn’t the best idea. Be mindful of your parents’ time and stress loads.
Schedule it or bring it up out of the blue?
You can start a conversation about dating whenever it seems appropriate but scheduling a time and giving your parents a heads-up on what you want to talk about will give them a chance to think it over, discuss it among themselves, and avoid being blindsided.
(Trust me, blindsided parents rarely react the way you want them to.)
2) Ask, don’t declare.
I’m writing this post with the assumption that most people seeking advice on how to talk to their parents about dating are teens. So if that’s you, this one is very important. A conversation about dating is meant to help you get their blessing, not declare your independence (which they will, rightly, see as rebellion).
Rather than making statements, ask questions:
- What age do you think is a good age to start dating?
- What counts as a date?
- What can I do to earn your trust regarding dating?
- What rules would you have for me if I started dating?
You need to honor your parents so ask, don’t declare.
3) Make it clear you respect their authority.
You could start with something like, “There’s this boy I’ve been talking to at school. He’s kind to everybody and I think he likes me. I’d really like to go out with him if he asks but I promise I won’t do it behind your back.” Do this early in the conversation and it will set a tone of honesty and transparency.
4) Build your case.
For some teens, all you have to do is ask and your parents will grant permission to date. (If that’s you, consider yourself supremely lucky.) But if you’re dealing with strict parents, you might need a little more meat to your case.
One secular advice site suggested coming prepared with facts and statistics to back up your argument, like what the average age is for teens to start dating and how the world defines dating. I don’t agree because doing something simply because everyone else is doing it is a terrible reason for doing anything, and one your parents aren’t likely to fall for.
A better plan is to show evidence of your responsibility and maturity. Are there any recent examples you can respectfully remind them of where you demonstrated maturity or adherence to their rules? You want them to start seeing the adult you are becoming.
Take note! Your conduct during this whole conversation about dating is a prime chance for you to demonstrate respect and responsibility, so be very mindful of your tone and body language. That means no eye rolls, heavy sighs, sarcasm, etc. You must be in control of your responses the entire time.
5) Be open about your love interest.
If you’re going into this with a specific person in mind, highlight some of his positive attributes and don’t withhold information or lie. Offer to set up a time for them to meet him and (if they want) his parents.
6) Give your parents a chance to express their concerns.
That means you have to listen without getting defensive, even if what they’re saying makes no sense to you. Hard, yes, but doable. This might help you understand where they’re coming from and maybe you can lay some of their fears aside. You can ask why they don’t approve of dating (or whatever it is you disagree on) but don’t push if they can’t or won’t give a straight answer.
Your parents are not obligated to explain their reasoning to you.
Your parents are not obligated to explain their reasoning to you.
7) Be prepared to negotiate.
Again, if your parents agree to everything you ask, you are the exception and you should thank them profusely. But in most cases, you will have to compromise. Maybe they won’t let you go on one-on-one dates, so what about group dating? Or perhaps they are okay with you dating but they want to meet the girl first. Be prepared to give something up without a fight.
(And don’t argue. Again, maturity is key.)
Opening the Dating Conversation: What Do I Say?
Not sure how to bring it up? Try one of these conversation openers.
If you have a specific person in mind
- “Sam asked me out on a date but I told him I’d check with you first. Would it be okay if we went out?”
- “Hey, Dad, there’s this girl in my math class who is really smart and funny. Her name is Sara. You’d like her. I’m thinking about asking her to be my girlfriend. Do you have any advice?”
- “I really like Ella and want to start dating her but I haven’t asked her yet because I wanted to make sure you were okay with that. I promise we’ll follow whatever rules you set for us. What do you think?”
To open a general conversation about dating
- “Mom, Dad, sometime when you’re both free, I’d like to talk to you about dating. I think I’m ready and I want to know what your expectations are.”
- “Mom, could we talk about your expectations for when I start dating so I’m ready when the opportunity arises?”
If your parents already have a no-dating rule
- “I know you’ve said no dating in the past and I respect your wishes but, if you are willing, I’d like to talk about it again. With all the time I’ve spent in our teen Bible study at church, I think I’m more prepared to date responsibly.”
If you’ve already started dating
- “There’s this boy in band whom I’ve been talking to a lot. We have a lot in common, plus he’s been selected to participate in honors band like me. He asked if I would be his girlfriend and I said yes. Can I bring him over to meet you sometime?”
- “You know how I’ve been hanging out with Angie a lot? We actually started dating recently but we’ve been following the rules you laid out before.”
Another tactic is to bring up one of my other posts on Christian dating. Maybe you could show it to your parents and discuss it together. (At the very least, you’ll be more prepared for dating in the future.)
- Christian Dating: There Must Be More to it Than This!
- Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage?
- The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered
- How to Prepare Yourself For Marriage Before You Find “The One”
- 3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls
Keep Communication Flowing When You Start Dating
Got the go-ahead to start dating? Congratulations! Now keep your parents involved. Let them meet your boyfriend. Invite your girlfriend to spend time with your family so they can get to know her. Listen to any concerns they might have about your relationship. Tell them if you had a good time on your date. Ask for dating advice.
For most teens, starting the conversation is harder than keeping it going so if you have open communication with your parents, that paves the way for you to bring up issues that might arise later.
If They Won’t Budge
You might not agree with what your parents decide but honoring them means their word rules. So if, after all this, they say no to dating, you will simply have to wait. If they agree to some but not all of your wishes, stick to their rules.
And do it with a joyful heart. Yes, that’s hard, but the attitude you proceed with could change the outcome of future conversations about dating. Respect for authority is a sign of maturity, one that your parents will take note of.
A solid “no” isn’t the end of the conversation. I do not suggest you keep pestering them but dating conversations can happen more than once (with reasonable space in between). Your parents might think you’re too young this year, but maybe they will reconsider next year if you prove yourself responsible in the interim.
And if they continue to say no, remember: In a few years, you will be an adult making your own decisions. (I know, it seems like forever but you’ll get there eventually!)
When You Might Not Be Ready to Talk About Dating
Responsible dating in high school requires having the maturity to broach awkward subjects.
If you tend to avoid uncomfortable topics with your parents, a conversation about dating might not be the best place to start. Further, if you can’t handle difficult conversations, you might not be ready to date, period. Responsible dating in high school requires having the maturity to broach awkward subjects (both with your parents and your partner) and accept parental guidance.
So if the thought of introducing your crush to your parents or talking about physical boundaries makes you want to die of embarrassment, hold off and let time help you build maturity.
[links/ideas about spending time with God and friends]
Dating in High School: Got Questions?
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Still got questions? Shoot me a message and I’ll do my best to help you navigate dating in high school, parent-teen relationships—whatever it is that has you confounded.
