My freshman year of high school, I had a terrifying experience: A foreign exchange student approached me for a dance. Laugh all you want but as the resident shy girl, all I could think was, he’s going to read into this. (Which is funny because I was reading into it.) After an awkward foray on the dance floor—during which zero words were exchanged—I spent the rest of prom avoiding eye contact and surrounding myself with a bubble of friends, essentially making myself as inaccessible as possible.
It worked. He never approached me again. Whether or not that was a good thing, I’ll never know.
Fast forward a few years (okay, many years) to a recent middle school music competition where I witnessed a teen girl doing everything she could to get a boy from another school to talk to her. That is, she sent a friend to tell him to talk to her, then pretended to be occupied every time said boy passed by.
As you can imagine, nothing came of that opportunity either.
Can you relate? Do you know how to talk to guys, or even approach them? Is conversation with boys awkward? Do boys seem to avoid you? Are you unknowingly sending out the signal that you do not want to be approached?
If so, you’re not alone, and you’re not hopeless. Let’s tackle the basics of how to talk to boys, including how to be more approachable and how to start a conversation with a guy. It all begins with awareness.
A version of this article first appeared in the Oct/Nov 2025 edition of Brio magazine for Christian teen girls.
Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and blogger for teens with higher aim.
In This Article
Confidence: The First Step in Being More Approachable
One of the first mistakes most teen girls make is viewing every boy as a romantic opportunity.
An approachable girl is confident in her own skin. Don’t panic if this isn’t you. Everyone has personal struggles with self-confidence, but working to accept who God made you to be is not only a fortress against rejection but guys find this inviting, often without realizing it.
One of the first mistakes most teen girls make in terms of approachability is viewing every boy as a romantic opportunity. If you think about how nervous you feel when interacting with a guy you have a crush on, you can see why this is a problem. We aren’t our most authentic selves when we’re trying to impress someone. Focusing on friendship development relieves some of the pressure.
“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.”
Psalm 28:7
Girls with healthy confidence don’t seek attention with negative behaviors. They’re not constantly complaining and they don’t let hormones or bad days dictate their attitudes. They also don’t belittle others. When I asked my teenage son what makes a girl less approachable, his instant response was, “When she’s mean.”
Go figure.
Body Language That Invites Conversation
Good news: You don’t have to be an expert in body language to be approachable. In fact, adopting two key elements will make you 100% more approachable than most of your female peers. Wondering what they are?
Smiling and eye contact.
That’s right, smiling and looking someone in the eye are more effective than taping a sign to your forehead that says, “Hey, come talk to me!” In other words, put down your cell phone and look up. Nothing says “Go away!” louder than having your attention fused to a screen.
Nothing says “Go away!” louder than having your attention fused to a screen.
You might be surprised at the friendships that arise out of simply smiling and meeting someone’s gaze. Note, however, that the personal nature of eye contact makes it a difficult skill to master. Don’t get down on yourself if you struggle with this. Just keep practicing.
Contrary to what most rom-coms will tell you, sensual body language does not make you more approachable to boys. Oh, sure, you might get a guy to come to you, but he’s not likely to be the kind you want to be friends with. It’s a proven fact that sexual behavior makes most guys want to steer clear of a girl.
Engaging Conversation: How to Talk to Guys
I see this a lot: A boy goes up to a girl and she clams up, avoiding his eyes, giving brief responses to his questions, and not inviting him to share anything in return. When he walks away, she runs to her friends and they start whispering excitedly about the boy who just talked to her in what amounted to less than a minute of one-sided conversation.
“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
Colossians 4:6
Most young women experience some anxiety when talking to boys, often leading to erratic behavior and “I can’t believe I just said that. What’s wrong with me?” You’re not alone if you suddenly find yourself tongue-tied every time a guy speaks to you. But you don’t have to be an avid conversationalist to overcome the awkwardness. Taking a few steps out of your comfort zone will go a long way in making you more approachable:
- Ask questions (“What did you think of the experiment we did in physics today?”) and listen in earnest to his answers. This conveys interest and respect.
- Show a little grace. He might not be great at conversation either, so don’t take short answers as an automatic lack of interest.
- Be vulnerable and honest, but don’t open the floodgates. Dumping all your fears and issues on him at once will send him running.
And remember to see him as a person, not an opportunity.
One More Thing: Go Solo Sometimes
Multiple guys have told me that groups of girls are more intimidating than a single girl by herself, which explains why young women are advised to attend social events in groups. (Going in groups creates a strong element of safety.) In a safe environment like school or church, however, it’s okay to sometimes step out of your fortress of friends. Give a boy a chance to access you without the pressure of added scrutiny. He’ll feel less like he’s expected to perform if your friends aren’t right there, assessing and giggling over the conversation.
How to Start a Conversation With a Guy: Initiating Naturally
“Above all, be loving.”
Colossians 3:14
I’m a firm believer in giving guys the chance to lead, but sometimes, despite doing everything you can to come off as approachable, you have to do the approaching. In that case, ease in with a smile and eye contact. Greet him by name (if you know it) and ask a low-stakes conversation starter, like his opinion on the lunch menu or what he likes to do after school. (Something relevant to the situation.)
Don’t run up to him and say, “Hey, my name is Jane. Can I have your Snap?” Such a forward approach is likely to make him uncomfortable—and you less approachable.
What About Physical Appearance?
Appearance matters in making you more approachable but if you have bad luck with guys, you might be going about it the wrong way. While showing a lot of skin certainly draws attention, it has the opposite effect on approachability. Just like with sexual body language, immodest clothing makes boys of integrity uncomfortable. They’d just as soon avoid you as have to spend an entire awkward conversation averting their eyes from your ample cleavage.
However, taking care of yourself—brushing your hair, wearing clean clothes, using deodorant—will make you more approachable by default. Don’t neglect basic self-care if you want to be more approachable to guys.
For more on faith-based fashion and modesty: Clothed In Christ: A Christian Girl’s Perspective on Fashion
The Heart of the Matter
In all your interactions—whether with guys, girls, kids, or adults—assimilating the fruit of the Spirit from Galatians 5 into your thinking and conduct will generally make you into the kind of person others want to know and be around.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
Galatians 5:22-23
There will always be missed opportunities. Learn from those moments, be more aware of how your body language and actions portray you to others, and you’ll become the kind of girl guys are comfortable forging a friendship with.
Can boys and girls be just friends? You bet! Check out my last post How to Be “Just Friends” With a Guy: A Teen Girl’s Guide.
More on Relationships for Christian Teens
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Hi! I don’t want to be nosy or too like nerdy, but you said freshman year and then prom? Was it homecoming? (First paragraph) Thanks for this, its super beneficial as always.
No problem! Yes, it was prom my freshman year. No typo there. I went to a small high school where prom was open to all grades, though I’ve learned recently that’s not always the case so I completely understand why you’re asking!