If you read my post Author vs. Protagonist: Trust God To Write Your Love Story, you know how my love story started. An unromantic “meet-cute,” a parting of ways with immature fantasies, a coming-of-age in love and romance. Sweet and somewhat unconventional. But that’s not all that happened between point A (meeting each other) and point B (saying our marriage vows).
Here’s the rest of the story:
Despite our mundane meeting, Brian and I were destined to cross paths a lot, being music majors working in the fine arts center. Somewhere in those early weeks, we developed an easy friendship. Our transition from friendship to dating, however, was hazy as there were no conversations about taking the relationship to the next level. I simply sensed that’s what he wanted and went along with it despite being uncertain myself.
I sensed that’s what he wanted and went along with it despite being uncertain myself.
Trouble began immediately. He wanted to hold hands and be cuddly in public, I wasn’t a fan of PDA. He wanted to spend all our free time together, I still wanted Girls’ Nights with friends. His total devotion scared me. We didn’t even last through the spring semester.
But by then, Brian’s heart was all in.
You know how the story ends. As of this writing, Brian and I have been married 15 years and I’ve never regretted a day of it. But it almost never happened because he came on too strong too fast and I was too immature to put the brakes on in a healthy way. At times, I was downright mean. A lesser man would have walked away.
I’m glad he didn’t.
Are you dealing with a guy whose enthusiasm has you backing away? Is it too much too soon, or are you not at all interested but don’t know how to speak up? Let’s talk about how to handle a guy who’s coming on too strong—but in a manner that doesn’t thumb your nose at Christian conduct.
Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and
blogger for teens ready to level up in faith.
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In This Article
Teen Dating Advice: Is He Coming on Too Strong?
How do you know if a boy is too into you? It’s a gut feeling. Something he’s doing in his pursuit of you makes you uncomfortable. You might not even be sure what it is at first, which is why an assessment is crucial. (We’ll talk about this in a moment.) But any of the following are ways in which a guy might come on too strong:
- Bombarding you with calls, texts, emails, and/or social media messages.
- Crazy confessions. Saying things like “You’re the girl I’ve been looking for my whole life!” or declaring his total love and devotion when you’ve only been dating for a few weeks.
- Future talk you are not comfortable with. If you’re in high school, talk of marriage and how many kids you’ll have are yellow lights. But even making plans for spring prom when it’s only September could be considered moving too fast if you’re in a fledgling relationship.
- Demanding too much of your time or getting jealous of time spent with friends.
- Excessive PDA. This isn’t limited to kissing. Clinginess and handholding can also make you—and others—uncomfortable.
- Pushing physical boundaries. This can be as innocent as him wanting to cuddle while you’re not yet comfortable with anything beyond holding hands. (If he’s pressuring you to have sex, that’s a major red light for your relationship.)
- Assuming you want to be in a relationship with him when you don’t.
Is He Aggressive or Just Pushy?
A boy who really likes you might become a little pushy because he knows what he wants and can’t understand why you don’t agree. Annoying, yes, but not necessarily dangerous. Aggression, however, is a glaring red light and should not be tolerated. Signs of aggression include over-the-top behavior, obsession, manipulation, and more. Check out Teen Dating: Understanding Signs of a Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship if you’re not sure.
Assess the Situation With Clear Eyes
Being too intense isn’t an immediate red flag to a guy’s personality.
Some people reading my story above might have advised me to dump my boyfriend at the time and run the other way, and how much I would have lost if I had!
Being too intense isn’t an immediate red flag to a guy’s personality. Guys fall hard sometimes. They’ll jump in with both feet while you’re still getting used to having your toes in the water. His intensity is not necessarily an indicator of a controller or abuser. So take a deep breath. Then pause to consider what’s really bothering you.
Is it that you like him but you’re just not ready for a relationship? Are you ready for a relationship but not one that goes so fast and deep? Or do you not feel that way about him at all?
Knowing this will help you decide how to proceed.
How NOT to Handle the Situation
Regardless of your feelings for the boy in question, maturity is key. Three things you do NOT want to do with a guy who’s coming on too strong:
- Ghosting. Ghosting (giving him the cold shoulder, not answering messages, and generally avoiding him without explanation) is a cop-out. Not only is this a lousy way to treat someone, but some guys will see this as a challenge and pursue you harder, thinking perhaps you’re just shy or uncertain of your feelings.
- Public humiliation. There is a time to involve friends (keep reading) but public humiliation is a no-no. It shows you don’t value his humanity enough to acknowledge his feelings—and paints your character in a negative light.
- Grudging compliance. I made this mistake the first go-round. I dated Brian because I knew he wanted it, not because my heart was truly there. This is both unhealthy and unkind.
How to Handle a Guy Who’s Coming on Too Strong
Be Considerate
He’s a real person with real feelings, not an applicant for an escort service. Consider how you would want him to treat you if your roles were reversed. (That advice has become cliche for a good reason.)
In all your proceedings, act as someone who has the Holy Spirit inside her:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23, 25
Be Clear
Do you know how many romance novels would be on the shelves of bookstores if the characters had only communicated a little in the first chapter? Zero.
Whatever it is you want, you have to make it clear. If there’s one thing you need to know about communicating with boys, it’s hints fall flat. Guys want you to say what you mean without a round of 20 Questions.
So if you’re good with pursuing a relationship with him but need him to slow down, say so. If you’re not comfortable with the level of intimacy he’s comfortable with, tell him. And if you don’t want that kind of relationship, this is the time to make it known. You might be afraid of hurting his feelings (a definite possibility) but you’ll hurt his heart if you string him along.
Teen Dating Advice Tip: Ask him to treat you like he would his best girl friend (that’s girl-space-friend). Most guys will understand what this means.
Setting Boundaries With a Guy Who’s Too Intense
Now that you’ve got the gist of how to handle a guy who’s coming on too strong, let’s get practical.
If he’s bombarding you with calls, texts, or social media messages…
Shorten your responses and wait longer between responses. Establish clear limits: “I won’t be responding to texts/calls after 7 o’clock.”
If you’re looking to cut the relationship, it’s okay to stop responding to his texts—but only after you’ve made it clear why. (Again with the ghosting.)
If he’s blindsiding you with crazy confessions of love and devotion…
Lay it out kindly with something like “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” or “I enjoy your company but I’m not ready for that level of intensity,” or “That’s sweet that you care about me like that. Unfortunately, I’m not so sure of my feelings for you yet.”
Teen Dating Advice Tip: Humor sometimes works but don’t use it if you’re not sure how to do it without poking fun at his feelings.
If he keeps bringing up a future you haven’t agreed to…
Give the reins a tug: “I like you but I’m not ready to talk about the future. Let’s take it one day at a time.”
If he’s demanding too much…
Remind him that you have other obligations: “I’m sorry but I’m not available this weekend. Maybe we could do something next Thursday instead?” Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you must explain yourself every single time. You’re setting boundaries, not seeking approval of your extracurriculars.
If he’s jealous of your time spent with friends…
No dating relationship should ever crowd out your friends. Gently remind him of this with something like, “You’re important to me but so are my friends, and I hope your friends are important to you too. I really need to be able to hang out with them without worrying about you being jealous.”
If he has an affinity for PDA…
Keep it simple and clear.
- “I like you but I’m not comfortable with this amount of physical affection in public.”
- “I feel uncomfortable when I see others doing things like this and I don’t want to put someone else in that position.”
If he’s pushing physical boundaries…
Be specific about which lines you are not willing to cross and lay that out for him. All young couples should have an honest conversation about this as their relationship becomes more serious, even if you think everything is fine.
Teen Dating Tip: When setting boundaries, consider establishing a codeword or phrase to be used whenever one of you thinks the other is crossing the line. It sounds less accusatory to say “Oreo cookies!” than “I told you I don’t like it when you_________ and you’re doing it again.”
If he’s pushing you into a more serious relationship than you’re ready for…
Ask him to slow down, not because you’re not interested in him but because you aren’t ready to move that fast. Most guys will respect that—and appreciate your honesty. You could also talk about past relationships that didn’t go well and why you want to go slower this time.
What if He Won’t Listen?
First, be sure to differentiate between a guy who truly won’t listen and one who simply needs an occasional reminder to pull back. Many guys will eagerly pull back at your request. Don’t hold it against him if his zealous feelings send him galloping again.
But sometimes you have to be more forceful and direct. Tell him you are not okay with the level of intensity in your relationship and he needs to slow down or you will have to end it.
Involve Your Friends
This should not be your first step. Only after you have made yourself clear in the best way you know should you involve someone else. Friends can amplify a message you’ve already given. They can also remind him that he’s bordering on harassment. Choose someone who is confident enough to do this without being mean.
Cut Him Off Completely
If, after all this, he still isn’t listening, it’s time to cut the strings. Block him on social media, don’t answer his calls, and stop hanging out with him. This is not the same as ghosting because you’ve already warned him about where his behavior is headed. At this point, he’s taking on the role of controller or stalker.
If He is Respectful and Listens
Maybe he’s a keeper and you can decide if you’re willing to give him another chance. Don’t let an intense guy run you away from what could be a holy relationship. Proceed with grace, forgiving him for his faults as he will forgive you for yours.
More Relationship Advice For Christian Teens
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Check out these other posts for more healthy teen dating advice!
- How to Know if You Like Someone Who’s In Love With You
- “But I Like Him Too!” How to Avoid a Love Triangle
- 8 Simple Ways Teen Girls Can Show Respect For Boys
- The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered
