"But I Like Him Too!" How to Avoid a Love Triangle

A version of this article first appeared in the Oct/Nov edition of Brio magazine for teen girls.

Q: “Help! My friend and I both have a crush on the same guy! Is there any way to avoid a love triangle without hating each other?”

You and your bestie have known each other forever. You’ve shared thoughts, secrets, popsicles, lip gloss, sometimes even clothing, but the one thing you don’t want to share is a boy. Then, suddenly, you both have a crush on the same guy.

Cue the infamous love triangle, popular in romance novels worldwide. Except, this is real life. He’s a real guy, that’s your real friend, and these are real feelings. Bringing page-turner drama into reality—where the pain it causes doesn’t end at the turn of a page—isn’t cool.

Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.

When You & Your Friend Have a Crush on the Same Guy

First things first: When isn’t it a problem for two girls to like the same boy? If your situation parallels one of the following, you can probably relax:

You’re admiring this boy from afar. He’s the cute drummer in the worship band or the hottie who serves ice cream at the local malt shop, and neither of you really knows him. Don’t sweat it. Together, you can admire him from a distance and giggle over it at your next slumber party.
You’re not very close to your friend. Maybe you sit next to each other in geometry and share laughs over your teacher’s corny jokes, but otherwise you don’t hang out much. In that case, there’s no immediate need for a conversation. Be yourself, don’t do anything underhanded, and watch how things play out.
He’s your friend’s boyfriend. This isn’t a problem because the answer is clear: Keep away! No one likes someone who weasels her way into an existing relationship in fiction, so why do it in real life?

Barring the above, your situation might require further scrutiny. One effective way of doing that is to emulate a photographer.

Extreme Close-up: Examine Yourself

I have a crush on the same guy as my friend

Like a camera zooming in on a subject’s face, you need to zoom in on your motives. Why do you have feelings for this boy? What about him has you captivated? His looks? Character? Sense of humor?

Don’t let your feelings lead. You lead your feelings.

With any crush, a critical first step is to dig into your feelings and see how deep they go. If this is surface-level infatuation that will cool in a few months, it’s hardly worth the damage it could do to your relationship with a close friend. Likewise if you’re crushing on a fantasy version of him that doesn’t exist. Don’t let your feelings lead. You lead your feelings, and sometimes that means telling them to chill.

On the other hand, if you realize there’s some “meat” to your affection, it’s time to broaden your focus.

Zoom Out: Bring Your Friend Into the Picture

If you have a crush on the same guy as your friend, you can probably predict how she’ll react if you start dating the boy in question. Can you see her hanging around the two of you, or will the awkwardness drive her away? Would she see this as a betrayal, or be sad for a while then bounce back?

Few crushes are worth the extermination of a tight friendship.

Is this a friendship you’re willing to forgo?

Truth be told, few crushes are worth the extermination of a tight friendship. You can’t control the actions and reactions of another, but you can control yours. Which means making sure your motives are aligned with Jesus.

Wide Angle Lens: Seeing the Whole Picture

Zoom out a little more, and you have the whole triangle: Girl A (you), Girl B (your friend), and Boy XYZ. At this point, you might be thinking about how love triangles are lousy and someone is going to get hurt and it better not be you. If you’re more self-deprecating, you’re thinking the Christian thing to do is give in and let her have him (while you sulk in the corner, of course).

You could always flip a coin and see who “wins,” right?

Okay, that’s probably not the most tasteful idea. A boy is neither a target nor a trophy. Like you, he’s a human being with his own opinions, feelings, and desires. In fact, he might not be interested in either of you. When two girls like the same boy, they sometimes forget that the triangle might actually be a square, and Boy XYZ has his sights firmly set on Girl C in the other corner.

Oh boy.

Try A Different Angle: Focus on the Horizon

I have a crush on the same boy as my friend

Everything looks different when you consider your situation through the lens of eternity. When you’re slogging through the grueling teen years, it’s easy to forget you’re actually going somewhere—and I don’t mean college or a career.

“Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.”
Hebrews 12:1-2

If you take the spotlight off your current situation and focus it on Jesus for a moment, what changes? He died so you might live. How can you honor him, even in a situation like this?

This is the question to remember as you take action, starting with prayer.

Pray

Ephesians 6:18 tells us to pray “at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.” Thanks be to Jesus, you never have to make a decision on your own. Seek him first, and ask him to help keep your motives in check and be a genuine friend going forward.

Talk—And Listen

This is where you hash it out with your friend, honestly laying out your feelings, then honestly listening to hers. You might not find an immediate resolution, but you can express how much you value her friendship and that you have no intention of throwing it away over a guy.

Caution: If you tell your friend you won’t date him unless she’s comfortable with it, you absolutely need to follow through.

Double Caution: Don’t break confidence by telling your crush—or anyone else—about your friend’s feelings for him!

Want to Avoid a Love Triangle? Let The Boy Lead

Whatever you do, don’t manipulate the situation by running ahead and telling your crush how you feel or blasting his social media accounts with flirty messages. Not only will that hurt your friendship, but it will freak the poor guy out. For some of us, this is the hardest part—giving the boy a chance to lead. You can flip coins, play Rock, Paper, Scissors, or cast lots all you want, but it’s still up to him.

If he chooses you:

You can’t stop your friend from becoming upset, but you can give her space to process her emotions. And continuing to spend time together—just the two of you—will go a long way in demonstrating your devotion to your friendship.

If he chooses her:

It takes maturity to be happy for someone else when you lose out, but you can do it in the name of Jesus. Remember, you lead your feelings, not the other way around. Don’t let them erode your friendship. Pray for guidance and the strength to trust God and surrender your crush to him. He wants more for you than you can even think to ask for.

If he rejects you both:

When you and your bestie have a crush on the same guy and he gives you both the axe, this calls for a Girls Night. Make it a movie, go on a zip-lining excursion, get lattes at your favorite coffee shop—whatever it is that will help you mourn your loss together.

And remember: Serving God is one of the best ways to get over a crush. So go out and make positive waves in the world!

More Relationship Resources For Christian Girls

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“But I Like Him Too!” How to Avoid a Love Triangle

In This Article

When You & Your Friend Have a Crush on the Same Guy

Extreme Close-up: Examine Yourself

Zoom Out: Bring Your Friend Into the Picture

Wide Angle Lens: Seeing the Whole Picture

Try A Different Angle: Focus on the Horizon