How to Help a Friend Struggling With Gender Identity

I didn’t want to cover this topic. In some circles, any disagreement with a person’s chosen identity or lifestyle is considered hate and the battle lines are instantly drawn. But as a Christian who believes that her identity is in Christ, I want to do the loving thing and address how to help those for whom identity is not so black and white.

What can you do to help a friend struggling with gender identity?

To keep this post from becoming lengthy (which, with this topic, it easily could), I’m going to highlight four important truths to keep in mind, give some basic how-to’s, then leave you with a few resources to dig deeper if you need.

Truth #1: Homosexuality is a sin.

The Bible is clear about this in 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 and Romans 1:18-31. Gender is designated by God and is not a matter of opinion or feelings. It’s rooted all the way into your DNA. Therefore, embracing homosexuality in its many forms is a sin.

For those who need more convincing, check out What Does the Bible Say About Homosexuality?, a resource from Focus on the Family.

Truth #2: LGBTQ people are not defective or abominable.

At least, no more defective or abominable than you or I. They are among the sheep Jesus referred to in John 10:16 when he said:

“I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd.”

Keeping this in mind will help you love your friend better. Jesus longs to gather them to himself and he just might use you to do it.

Truth #3: Most LGBTQ people have a negative view of Christians—understandably.

There’s no way to sugarcoat the truth here. Christians are not always very, well, Christian. Sometimes, we bring judgment before love—if love comes at all—and in doing so, drive LGBTQ people away from our circles and into the hands of others who appear more loving but carry a dangerously misguided view of the Bible.

Overcoming this negative association will be an uphill battle for you right from the start. I cannot stress enough the importance of kindness and compassion in every interaction you have with a friend struggling with gender identity. Please see my article Speak the Truth in Love: A How-to From the Garden.

Truth #4: Homosexuality is not the mother of all sins.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:23

This is the ultimate all-or-nothing scenario. Either you’re perfect, or you’re not. Jesus was perfect. One hundred percent of the rest of the population is not. It doesn’t matter what sins you’ve committed—or which ones you’ve avoided—you have fallen just as short of God’s standard as your friend. Keep this in mind as you approach him.

And thank goodness for Jesus’ salvation for you both!

Before approaching a friend living in sin, be sure to examine yourself and pull the “plank” out of your own eye. For help with that: No Fear: The Danger of Sin in Your Heart and Look Truth In the Eye: Self-Examination for Christian Teens.

Truth #5: You always risk offending people when you stand in agreement with God’s Word.

This is, unfortunately, unavoidable. But you do not need to cower under scrutiny of your beliefs. Stand firm, always with love, kindness, and respect. See Armor of God101 for help with this.

Now for some practical advice on how to help a friend struggling with gender identity. Keep in mind: How you help a gay friend will depend on whether he or she knows Jesus.

To help a non-Christian friend struggling with gender identity:

1. Tackle the big issue. If you want to help a nonbelieing friend who struggles with ANY kind of sin, your first goal should not be to address her gender issues, but her lack of identity in Christ. Even if you manage to convince her of the folly of her chosen lifestyle, she will still be lost if she does not believe in Christ as her savior. 
2. Share the truth in love. Show your friend true Christian love, not the Christian judgment he expects. Guide him toward faith in Jesus.
3. Supporting your friend does not mean you have to support her choices. You can be loving and kind without going to gay pride events or pretending to agree with her gender choices. Christian tolerance means recognizing that all have fallen short of God’s glory, but that sin is still not to be accepted.

To help a Christian friend struggling with gender identity:

Caution: The following suggestions assume your friend recognizes homosexuality is wrong. If that is not true, then that’s where you need to begin. Go back to Truth #1.

1. Remind him that his true identity is not found in himself or his gender, but in Christ.
2. Repeat the gospel over and over! Jesus died for all sins, even this one. Remind your friend that he has been washed clean and sanctified. Send him to the last verse of 1 Corinthians 6:9-11.
3. Do not abandon her. If she has found the courage to come out to you about her struggle, then you should commend her for it and stay by her side as she works through it.
4. Listen in confidence. Whatever she tells you is not meant to be repeated to others and used for fodder in gossip. 
5. Seek out Christian counsel. DO NOT go to a secular counselor, who will only confuse your friend further. Find Christian experts and resources on this topic. I’ve included a few below.
6. Be patient. This struggle will not go away overnight. For some, it’s a sin they will struggle with their whole lives. Keep loving and guiding with your Bible always in hand.

Show your friend something she can really be proud of with 16 Awesome Things Christian Teens Can Take Pride In!

Finally, in all things, pray and lift your friend and your worries to God, who loves her more than she could possibly fathom. 

Resources:

This blog itself contains a ton of information for Christian teens and anyone else working to evict sin and embrace holiness. Check out the tags for specific topics. And subscribe to my weekly updates so you don’t miss new fuel-your-faith content.

• How to Confront a Friend Who Keeps on Sinning
• Focus on the Family Transgender Resources
• How Do I Help My Gay Friend? from Live Hope Ministries
• For biblical help on the topic of homosexuality, see Time of Grace Ministries
• Also from Time of Grace, the book Gay & God is an excellent resource to help you show the love of Christ in a culture where being gay is the new normal.

Looking for in-depth Christian guidance on sex, gender, and sexuality? Check out MadeKnown.net, a site dedicated to walking with you in faith through identity, gender, and sexuality. You’ll find a library of resources, including stories from real people who wrestle with gender identity and reviews of additional resources.