How to Develop Self-Control as a Teen: Grow This Tree

Self-contol: the ability to govern one’s emotions, actions, and desires, especially in difficult situations. Think for a moment about why that’s an important skill. Why not eat an entire triple-decker chocolate ganache cake all by yourself, or stay up all night watching Gilmore Girls reruns? Those who develop self-control recognize instant gratification now means losing out on a greater outcome later. Indulging in that level of sugar now means a massive stomach ache later. Missing sleep now means being bleary-eyed at your big game tomorrow.

When you use self-control, you are saying “no” in the present for the sake of a greater “yes” in the future.

When you use self-control, you are saying “no” in the present for the sake of a greater “yes” in the future.

Sounds fantastic, except anyone who’s spent more than a few years on this earth already knows how difficult it is to not only develop self-control, but maintain it, despite what it promises. Overall, the world expects very little from teens in the way of self-discipline. Take a peek inside mainstream YA fiction and you might assume all teens are either sexually active or just haven’t yet been presented the opportunity.

I happen to believe teens are much more capable of self-control than that. The fact that you’re here reading this post means you want to believe it too.

So how does one—teen or otherwise—develop this elusive type of self-discipline?

One-Track Mind vs. Two-Track Mind

Early in our marriage, my husband and I discovered our brains have different capabilities when it comes to processing. I’m able to carry on multiple conversations at once, and I can be writing something on a piece of paper while talking to him about something else.

Brian, on the other hand, is entirely one-tracked in his processing. I will ask him a question while he’s reading the newspaper, and five minutes later he’ll answer me—after he finished the article he was reading. When he focuses on something, nothing else can penetrate his thinking. He is in awe of my multi-track processing abilities, and I am in awe of his deep focusing abilities. 

The Single-Track Road to Hell

When it comes to sin, however, we are all one-track minded. You can’t indulge in sin and concentrate on God at the same time. Think about it. When you’re sharing juicy gossip about a classmate, you’re not thinking about Jesus’ call to love one another. If your eyes are focused on that steamy movie, they’re not focused on what God’s word says about keeping a pure mind. And when you’re making out with your boyfriend in the backseat of his car, your heart is not being gratified by Christ.

You can’t focus on gratifying your sinful passions and loving God at the same time. It just doesn’t work, and Paul reiterates that in Romans 8:5:

When it comes to sin, however, we are all one-track minded.

“Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.” 

Recognizing this phenomenon is the first step toward devloping self-control as a teen.

Self-Control Grows on Trees

In an earlier post (Draw Your Weapon, Make the Enemy Flee), I mentioned self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (see Galatians 5). When the Holy Spirit moves inside you, the result is an abundant crop of “fruits”—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness … self-control. These fruits should radiate from you like ripe apples falling from a tree.

If you’re only focused on harvesting the fruits and not tending to the health of the tree, eventually it won’t give you fruit anymore.

But you can’t pick fruit from a tree that isn’t there. I love grapefruit, but I don’t have a grapefruit tree in my yard so it’s pointless to think I’ll just walk outside and pick one whenever I have a craving.

The same is true of spiritual fruits. You need a tree, and not only that, but a healthy one, nourished from the root up so that it continues to produce. If you’re only focused on harvesting the fruits and not tending to the health of the tree, eventually it won’t give you fruit anymore.

Be Rooted in Jesus, Develop Self-Control

So what is the root of this spiritual “tree” that we speak of? 

Jesus.

If you want more self-control—or patience, or faithfulness, or any other spiritual fruit—you need to focus on Jesus more than anything else. Focus on him until your greatest desire and passion lies in him. Then the fruits will come without you realizing it.

How to Nourish the Tree & Focus on Jesus

1. Pray. God is your first line of defense. Talk to him often, listen well, and grow closer to him. Read about the remarkable privilege of prayer.
2. Go to church for regular worship. This is important. Don’t know why? Check out Why Young Christians Absolutely Need to Go to Church.
3. Read your Bible every day. See my post A Feast For The Soul for more about this. If you’re struggling with one sin or many sins, Romans 7:14-8:8 is a good place to start.
4. Don’t just read scripture, but soak it in. Posting verses where you’ll see them often is one way to do this. I have index cards of Bible verses taped above my kitchen sink and tacked to my refrigerator. Mirrors are a good place, too. Memorizing verses is another powerful tool, especially for those moments when temptation strikes. Read Fight When You Can’t Flee: A Battle Plan for Temptation for more on this.
5. Rid your lives of the things that distract you from him. Racy movies and novels, music with ungodly lyrics, junk food that you tend to binge on … removing these is pretty straightforward (though not always easy). But what about friends who consistently lead you astray, or a boyfriend who doesn’t share your moral views, or social media in all of its many forms? If they are your tipping point into sin, then, yes, you will have to let go of them, too. A wise pastor once said, “Don’t sacrifice something so sacred for something so small.” Pray for God to open your eyes to the things that are hogging the single track in your mind, and ask him for the fortitude to get rid of them. And don’t do this step and skip the other four. If you take something out of your life, you need to fill it with something better.

Resources on Self-Control For Christian Teens

• Help Me Jesus, I Just Can’t Stop!
• How to Resist Temptation When You Can’t Flee From It
• Tired of the Same Old Sin? Keep Pulling the Weeds!

Fill your mind with Jesus and build resilience and character through self-control!