How to Control Your Anger So Others Can’t Control You

Ever been told you need to control your anger?

Your day was going just fine until you saw the social media post from one of your classmates bashing your Christian beliefs. A friend confronts you about something he thinks you did wrong. Your sister used the last of the hot water in her shower, ate the last bagel for breakfast, and took the car, leaving you to walk to school in the rain.

Enter: anger, and the impulse to erupt like a volcano. 

Time to press pause. Then repeat after me: When I react in anger, I let someone else control me.

When Anger Happens

Anger is an easy emotion to feel, but not an easy feeling to ignore. And while we’re on the topic, let’s make one thing clear. Feeling angry is not necessarily a sin. How you react in anger, however, can and often does lead to sin. If you succumb to anger, you surrender control of yourself to someone else.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

James 1:19-20

If this is something you struggle with, take back control and strive for the righteousness God desires with the following steps.

8 Steps to Help You Control Your Anger

1) Take a deep breath and count to 10.

This old-school way of preventing an angry explosion still works. Try it. It might be the only step you need.

You could also try something called “square breathing” or “box breathing” that’s helpful if you need more than 10 seconds to calm down. Basically, it’s a cycle of inhale, hold, exhale, hold, all for the same length of time. (For example, you inhale for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, repeat.)

Think of how many outbursts and meltdowns could have been prevented if we’d just hit the pause button and calmed down first!

Anger Management for Christian Teens: More Relaxation Strategies

I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to calm down before you proceed. If breathing exercises don’t get you all the way there, or if anger is a chronic issue for you, you might need to do more. Psychologists suggest slowly repeating a calming word or phrase such as “relax” or “take it easy” while also breathing deeply from the gut.

As a Christian, you have a whole book of calming phrases—your Bible. Choose something short and simple to remember. A few suggestions:

• John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.”
• Lamentations 3:24: “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.”
• Psalm 118:7: “The Lord is with me; he is my helper.”
• Psalm 116:7: “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.”

If you’re a visual person, imagery might be more effective. Visualize yourself in a relaxing place (either imagined or from your memory). While also breathing deeply, of course.

Best Strategies to Manage Anger: Practice these techniques often so they come automatically when you find yourself in a tense situation.

2) Examine yourself.

Psychologists use the term “cognitive restructuring” for changing the way you think. Angry people tend to speak in colorful terms and think overly dramatic thoughts. Words like “always” or “never” (“She always does this to me!) are not only inaccurate, but they increase your frustration, reduce your sense of control, and lead you to become demanding. Which in turn makes others less likely to help alleviate the situation.

Logic defeats anger. Remind yourself the world is not out to get you and this is just a rough patch you need to work through.

Anger Management for Christian Teens: Be Honest

Are you mad over something you just don’t want to hear? If a friend recently confronted you about your sin, your anger toward him or her is not justified. Take a good, honest look at your part in the situation before you pour all your wrath on someone who may be less guilty than yourself.

Kill the sin, not the messenger.

Best Strategies to Manage Anger: Practice this type of cognitive restructuring every time anger rears its head, even if it seems justified. It’s crucial to keep a balanced perspective.

When I react in anger, I let someone else control me.

3) Ask sincere questions.

Make sure you aren’t misunderstanding the real issue. The Spanish-American War started when an explosion sank the USS Maine in Havana, Cuba in 1898 and the U.S. assumed Spain caused it. Seventy-eight years later, it was determined the explosion was likely caused by a fire that ignited the battleship’s ammunition stocks.

The moral of the story? Don’t start a war over incorrect assumptions. Angry people tend to jump to conclusions. In a heated discussion, slow down and don’t blurt the first thing that comes to mind. The whole “think before you speak” mantra is critical here.

4) Listen—for real.

Angry people get defensive, especially in the face of criticism. Don’t forget to listen to what the other side has to say. This involves turning off the part of your brain that’s busy formulating a comeback and actually hearing their side of the story. Maybe your friend is upset over something you said about her because you hit on a sensitive spot you were completely unaware of.

You don’t have to agree, but you do need to listen.

For help with this, read my post Do You Know How to Listen So Others Will Talk?

5) Stand your ground.

And by ground I mean the solid rock of faith. The real enemy is Satan, and he’s already been defeated. Let your actions—even when you are angry—be those of one whose joy in Christ cannot be taken away.

The person who is firmly rooted in Christ cannot become a marionette puppet for Satan. Don’t let him take control of your tongue and actions in a moment of anger. Stand your ground against his sneaky tactics.

Need clarification? See The Battle’s Already Been Won…What Battle?

6) Face the problem head-on.

It’s a fallacy that every problem has a solution. Yours might not, and beating your head against the wall trying to find it will only lead to a headache. Instead of focusing on a solution, focus on how to handle the problem.

It’s a fallacy that every problem has a solution.

That’s not always the same thing.

Make a plan that includes how you will proceed, what your conduct will be the next time this issue flares up, and how you can love your neighbor in the process.

Anger Management for Christian Teens: Love. Always.

“Remember this and never forget how you aroused the anger of the Lord your God in the wilderness.”

Deuteronomy 9:7

When it comes to righteous anger, no one surpasses God’s. He has every reason to be angry with all of us. We walk over his word, mock his decrees with our conduct, and show complete disdain for his love with our hatred. Feel like you’re justified in your anger toward a fellow human? It’s nothing compared to what you’ve done to God.

And yet, he continues to bless you with his love and goodness. (See my post Jesus Saved You From Sin, Death, Hell—And God.)

Because he loves you, you are capable of loving those who consistently ruffle your feathers. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or accept their sinful choices. But you have to treat them with a measure of kindness and respect. Learn more about this in my post Happy Valentine’s Day to My Enemy, With Love.

7) Save your breath.

You probably already know this, but heated arguments rarely yield positive results. More often than not, you’ll both end up even angrier and your relationship with this person will be damaged by words spoken in anger.

That’s when it’s time to go to step #7.

Feeling angry is not necessarily a sin. How you react in anger, however, can and often does lead to sin.

8) Walk away.

The winner is the one who acts out of Christian conduct. Sometimes the only way to do that is to walk away. When there’s no obvious solution and you know you’re fighting a never-ending argument (I’m thinking of some of the political debates that happen on social media), it’s time to get out.

Control your anger so others can’t control you!

Best Strategies to Manage Anger: You don’t always have to have the last word. Holding your tongue and walking away will help you remain in control of yourself and the situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

The instinctive way to manage anger is through aggression. In terms of survival, aggression is a good thing. If you are hiking with your little sister and she falls into the river, aggression will give you the gusto to act and pull her out.

Healthy expression of anger is done not aggressively, but assertively.

But when it comes to everyday conflict, aggression quickly becomes a problem. There are limits (both legal and moral) to how far you can take your anger. Healthy expression of anger is done not aggressively, but assertively. Assertiveness means knowing how to make clear what your needs are and how to have them met while still demonstrating respect for others. You’re not being pushy or demanding but rather laying out the facts and considering the whole picture.

Anger Management For Christian Teens: Positive Action

Those who don’t express anger often suppress it, squishing it down and letting it silently fester inside until it explodes. Instead of going this unhealthy route, why not convert your anger into positive action? If you’re angry because something isn’t getting done, be the one who initiates the change. Put a plan in place and make changes in the world. That’s often how the best charities and missions get started.

For more on this, see my posts Be Grateful, Not Entitled: How to Serve Without Expecting Thanks and 7 Ways to Let Your Light Shine In a Dark World.

Control Your Anger: More Resources

If anger is a consistent problem for you, you might need professional help, for the sake of your health, your loved ones, and your future relationships. Check out Anger: A Multifactorial Approach from Agape Christian Counseling Services to learn more about how a Christian counselor can help you learn to control your anger.

More helpful resources from my website:

• Taming the Tongue: Why It’s So Important For Christian Teens
• How Christian Teens Can Overcome a Critical Attitude
• For anyone struggling with chronic anger: Your Deepest Desires: The Truth About Habitual Sin