When you pick up a novel of any given genre, you have certain expectations of what you’ll find, right?
If it’s fantasy, the characters must exhibit some type of mystical powers. For paranormal fiction, vampires, ghosts or werewolves are likely to be present. Sci-fi involves a lot of futuristic technology. Mysteries revolve around a whodunit sort of plot. Horror provokes gasps.
And romance—even Christian romance? Gotta have that first kiss.
But when it comes to real-life kissing and Christian dating, fiction is not the example to follow. In fact, many myths surround the first kiss in fiction—and some are downright dangerous.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
The First Kiss in Fiction
Imagine a romance novel, even a Christian one, without any kissing. None whatsoever. Ugh, right?
The first kiss in a story is always a climactic point. The sweet release after pages and pages of tension between two characters who have either been denying their feelings for each other or have been kept apart by external forces. Suddenly, there they are, a boy and a girl, face to face. Hearts (both theirs and the reader’s) race with the adrenaline of anticipation. He touches her face, she closes her eyes. Their lips meet.
Ah, sweet release!
I love a good Christian romance, which includes, of course, a sparkly first kiss. As an author, I won’t let my readers down in this area. (Check out some of my Christian YA short stories.) But let’s take a moment to separate fiction from fact and look at how real-life Christian dating and kissing fit together.
The First Kiss in Real Life
Fact or Fiction?
- All romantic relationships begin with a kiss.
- A kiss cements your connection to each other, which has so far been incomplete.
- Kissing is an innocent way to share physical affection without crossing sexual boundaries.
- He won’t know you love him if you don’t kiss him.
- All first kisses create sparks.
The answers? Fiction, fiction, fiction, fiction. The fact is, these are the lies that fictional romance might make you believe.
Myth #1: All romantic relationships begin with a kiss.
The truth: A well-scripted kiss might make for a great climactic point in a romance novel, but most serious dating relationships don’t start with liplock—nor should they.
Think of a kiss as a .78 carat diamond solitaire pendant from Tiffany’s. Would you hand something like that to the first guy who asks? Of course not! You’d hide it in a safe until you’re ready to give it away. Then you’d wrap it in the finest paper you can find and make an occasion of presenting it to the one who is completely devoted to you.
No one can demand that you give him a gift, and the same is true of your lips.
Myth #2: A kiss cements your connection to each other, which has so far been incomplete.
The truth: The level of physical intimacy in a dating relationship is in no way an indicator of closeness. I’m sure you can think of people who have physically done it all with their boyfriends, but lack any sort of emotional connection.
Likewise, I know of many strong couples who never kiss until they stand at the altar on their wedding day.
Which would you rather be?
Myth #3: Kissing is an innocent way to share physical affection.
The truth: Kissing throws the door to temptation wide open.
Temptation lurks in the corner of every dating relationship, waiting to snatch someone with its grimy, spindly fingers. A couple who limits their physical affection to hand holding, hugs, and sitting close while watching the stars sets a boundary line that remains clear and safely distant from a sexual relationship. But the second they kiss, the boundaries jump a mile and a half closer, and they become fuzzier. Kissing leads to making out, then getting handsy with each other, then … Not much imagination needed to fill in the rest.
It’s for this reason that I strongly urge all young couples to hold off on kissing for as long as possible. Don’t invite Satan to the party!
Myth #4: He won’t know you love him if you don’t kiss him.
The truth: Love is first shared through mutual respect and compassion for each other. Think of quality time spent together, kind words, thoughtful gifts, or service to one another. There are so many wonderful ways to show someone you love him without crossing any physical lines at all. The fun is in discovering what makes your significant other feel loved.
Don’t ever stay with a boy who demands that you give more physically in order to prove your love to him. (Or, in contrast, insists he must be intimate with you in order to prove his love to you.) Your value is not in your body alone, but in your mind, heart and soul. He must learn to love those things first. The same goes for you.
Myth #5: All first kisses create sparks.
Allow me to pause for a moment while I laugh …
The truth: This is real life, not fiction. In fiction, the first kiss between two leading characters is an explosion on a page. Fireworks in the chest, heightened sensations, lips that taste like cotton candy. And it has to be. Who wants to read about a mundane first kiss where the girl is distracted by thinking about what’s playing on Netflix? Not me.
In real life, some first kisses create sparks, but most of the time they’re much more subtle. A warm sensation. The flicker of a candle. You can’t rule out the possibility of being distracted by the scent of garlic on his breath.
The point is, the kiss is not the climax of a real relationship. And thank goodness for that because there is so much more to be had! When you’ve built your bonds on something more than physical intimacy, there’s less pressure to have rose-scented breath, perfectly moist lips and keen timing.
Christian Romance: Make Yours Real!
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
I won’t tell you that you absolutely should not kiss anyone before you’re married. Or that you can’t enjoy a sweet kiss in a romance novel (as long as it doesn’t progress). But don’t let the lie behind the first kiss in fiction taint your view on how real relationships work. Build yours on the foundation of Christ, and when that first kiss happens, it will be a single petal in a beautiful, blooming rose.
Find practical advice in my Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating. To strive for the deeper meaning behind dating relationships, this list of 15 Terrific Nonfiction Books on Dating For Christian Teens offers some great resources. (In particular, Love Defined by Kristen Clark and Bethany Baird speaks specifically to young women.
I partly agree with this and partly don’t. I agree that a relationship doesn’t start with just a kiss, kissing doesn’t always send sparks flying, and romance should be based on something deeper. I do think kissing can be innocent. And even if it’s more steamy, that’s okay, too. A light kiss can be the same as a hug or holding hands. And for non-adult teens, hugs, holding hands, and light kisses are lovely ways to show affection. Anything more serious should be avoided until they’re old enough that marriage is a possibility. If a partner violates those boundaries, the relationship should be cut off. If a couple is seriously dating, then it’s fine, probably even good, for them to passionately kiss or even get hot and heavy, short of sex (which, to be delicate, is anything involving revealing or directly touching the parts between their legs). Where the boundaries are, what a couple is comfortable with for the stage they’re at for their relationship, and what they want to reserve for marriage, each couple needs to work out for themselves through communication with each other and prayer.
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this hotly debated topic! I agreee, this is a tricky spot to create one-size-fits-all boundary lines.
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