When you pick up a novel of any given genre, you have certain expectations of what you’ll find, right?
If it’s fantasy, the characters must exhibit some type of mystical powers, or at least live in a world where mystical powers exist. Readers of paranormal fiction expect to encounter vampires, ghosts, or werewolves. Sci-fi involves a lot of futuristic technology. Mysteries revolve around a whodunit sort of plot. Horror provokes gasps. And romance—even Christian romance?
Gotta have that first kiss.
But for all you teenage lovers out there, when it comes to real-life Christian dating and kissing, fiction is not the example to follow. In fact, many myths surround the first kiss in fiction—and some are downright dangerous.
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In This Article
The First Kiss in Fiction
Imagine a romance novel, even a Christian one, without any kissing. None whatsoever. Ugh, right?
The first kiss in fiction is always a climactic point, the sweet release after pages and pages of tension between two characters who have either been denying their feelings for each other or have been kept apart by external forces. Suddenly, there they are, a boy and a girl, face to face. Hearts (both theirs and the reader’s) race with the adrenaline of anticipation. He touches her face, she closes her eyes. Their lips meet.
Ah, sweet release!
I love a good Christian romance, which includes, of course, a sparkly first kiss. As an author, I won’t let my readers down in this area. (Free YA ebooks for subscribers—and some have kissing!) But let’s take a moment to separate fiction from fact and look at how real-life teen Christian dating and kissing fit together.
The First Kiss in Real Life
Fact or Fiction?
- All romantic relationships begin with a kiss.
- A kiss cements your connection to each other, which has so far been incomplete.
- Kissing is an innocent way to share physical affection without crossing sexual boundaries.
- He won’t know you love him if you don’t kiss him.
- All first kisses create sparks.
The answers? Fiction, fiction, fiction, fiction, fiction. The fact is, these are the lies behind the first kiss in fiction.
Myth #1: All romantic relationships begin with a kiss.
The truth: A well-scripted kiss might make for a great climactic point in a romance novel, but most serious dating relationships don’t start with liplock—nor should they.
Think of a kiss as a .78 carat diamond solitaire pendant from Tiffany’s. Would you hand something like that to the first guy who asks? Of course not! You’d hide it in a safe until you’re ready to give it away. Then you’d wrap it in the finest paper you can find and make an occasion of presenting it to the one who is completely devoted to you.
No one can demand that you give him a gift, and the same is true of your lips.
Myth #2: A kiss cements your connection to each other, which has so far been incomplete.
The truth: The level of physical intimacy in a dating relationship is in no way an indicator of closeness.
I’m sure you can think of people who have physically done it all with their boyfriends, but lack any sort of emotional connection. Likewise, I know of many strong couples who never kissed until they stood at the altar on their wedding day.
Which would you rather be?
Myth #3: Kissing is an innocent way to share physical affection.
The truth: Kissing throws the door to temptation wide open.
Temptation lurks in the corner of every dating relationship, waiting to snatch someone with its grimy, spindly fingers. A couple who limits their physical affection to hand holding, hugs, and sitting close while watching the stars sets a boundary line that remains clear and safely distant from a sexual relationship. But the second they kiss, the boundaries jump a mile and a half closer, and they become fuzzier. Kissing leads to making out, then getting handsy, then …
Not much imagination is needed to fill in the rest.
It’s for this reason that I strongly urge all teen couples to hold off on kissing for as long as possible. Don’t invite Satan to the party!
Myth #4: He won’t know you love him if you don’t kiss him.
The truth: Love is first shared through mutual respect and compassion for each other.
Think of quality time spent together, kind words, thoughtful gifts, or service to one another. There are so many wonderful ways to show someone you love your partner without crossing any physical lines at all. The fun is in discovering what makes your significant other feel loved.
Don’t ever stay with a boy who demands that you give more physically to prove your love to him. (Or, in contrast, insists he must be intimate with you to prove his love to you.) Your value is not in your body alone, but in your mind, heart, and soul. He must learn to love those things first.
The same goes for you.
Myth #5: All first kisses create sparks.
Allow me to pause for a moment while I laugh …
The truth: This is real life, not fiction.
In fiction, the first kiss between two leading characters is an explosion on a page. Fireworks in the chest, heightened sensations, lips that taste like cotton candy. And it has to be. Who wants to read about a mundane first kiss where the girl is distracted by thinking about what’s playing on Netflix? Not me.
In real life, some first kisses create sparks, but most of the time, they’re more subtle. A warm sensation. The flicker of a candle. You can’t rule out the possibility of being distracted by the scent of garlic on his breath.
The point is, the kiss is not the climax of a real relationship. And thank goodness for that because there is so much more to be had! When you’ve built your bonds on something more than physical intimacy, there’s less pressure to have rose-scented breath, perfectly moist lips, and keen timing.
Christian Romance: Make Yours Real!
I won’t tell you that you absolutely should not kiss anyone before you’re married. Or that you can’t enjoy a sweet kiss in a romance novel (as long as it doesn’t progress). But don’t let the lies behind the first kiss in fiction taint your view on how real relationships work. Build yours on the foundation of Christ, and when that first kiss happens, it will be a single petal in a beautiful, blooming rose.
Christian Dating: More Resources for Teens
You don’t have to have all the answers.
But, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Find practical advice in my Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered.
To strive for the deeper meaning behind dating relationships:
- 15 Terrific Nonfiction Books on Dating For Christian Teens (In particular, Love Defined by Kristen Clark and Bethany Baird speaks specifically to young women)
- Christian Dating: There Must Be More to It Than This!
Get answers to your specific questions on Christian dating:
- How to Talk to Your Parents About Dating: Advice For Teens
- How to Know if You Like Someone Who’s In Love With You
- Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage?
- 7 Common Lies About Sex That Christian Girls Believe
Are you a romance reader?
Check out my recommended reading list: Great Teen Fiction: 17+ Squeaky-Clean YA Romance Novels
I partly agree with this and partly don’t. I agree that a relationship doesn’t start with just a kiss, kissing doesn’t always send sparks flying, and romance should be based on something deeper. I do think kissing can be innocent. And even if it’s more steamy, that’s okay, too. A light kiss can be the same as a hug or holding hands. And for non-adult teens, hugs, holding hands, and light kisses are lovely ways to show affection. Anything more serious should be avoided until they’re old enough that marriage is a possibility. If a partner violates those boundaries, the relationship should be cut off. If a couple is seriously dating, then it’s fine, probably even good, for them to passionately kiss or even get hot and heavy, short of sex (which, to be delicate, is anything involving revealing or directly touching the parts between their legs). Where the boundaries are, what a couple is comfortable with for the stage they’re at for their relationship, and what they want to reserve for marriage, each couple needs to work out for themselves through communication with each other and prayer.
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this hotly debated topic! I agreee, this is a tricky spot to create one-size-fits-all boundary lines.
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