When I first wrote book three of my short story series Seasons of Kane (check out my short story library), I wasn’t just new to writing fiction. I was new to the entire industry of teen literature, and as such my goals as an author were still very, well, nebulous.
Write entertaining stories with a biblical foundation? Of course. But beyond that, things remained . . . murky.
So when I went to craft this part of Kane and Claudia’s story—the romantic side—I reached for the obvious lesson: fighting temptation. Because, like too many others, I thought that was the main difference between Christian dating and all other forms.
I am happy to report my eyes have been opened.
Hi, I’m Lauren Thell, author of Christian YA fiction and blogger for teens who are ready to exceed the world’s expectations.
In This Article
The Purpose of Dating is . . . ?
Anyone who’s ever held the warm hand of a member of the opposite sex and dreamily looked into his or her baby-blue eyes can probably attest that, yes, a sizeable part of godly dating is denying yourself things you’d really like to have.
And, I might add, it’s also unique to our faith. Some teen couples let their carnal desires drive the relationship. The more prudent ones will strive to at least establish a foundation of love and respect before hopping in the sack together.
But Christians? God himself commands us to save physical intimacy for marriage, regardless of all other circumstances.
And sometimes it’s tough.
But maybe it’s tough because that’s all we focus on, and that’s where I, in my author infancy, went wrong in A Time to Wait.
Christian Dating: More Than Just “Lead Us Not Into Temptation”
What is the purpose of dating, specifically for Christians? Is it like test-driving a car, where you try out different models to see which one suits your tastes? Is it a way to explore chemistry or indulge your raging hormones? Is dating a recreational activity necessary to the unofficial teenage resumé (basketball practice, math team, trig homework, a boyfriend)?
Why not return to the old days of courtship and arranged marriages? (Yeah, no thanks. I can’t imagine my parents would have picked the man I ended up with.)
Is there more, and if so, what is it?
A Christian Doesn’t Live Solely For Herself
First off, get it out of your head that dating is something you have to do before you’re, say, eighteen or twenty-one. Young adult fiction—even Christian YA—is guilty of promoting this viewpoint. Romance sells. (Read about it in my post Christian Romance: The Lie Behind the First Kiss in Fiction.)
But if you’re caught up in this frenzied thinking, you can calm it down by remembering this:
“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Ephesians 2:10
In other words, a Christian doesn’t live for herself. Your purpose, my purpose, and the purpose of the person you date is to love and serve God with all your heart and soul. Even your relationships should strive toward that goal.
Does that change things for you? It did for me.
Dating Serves a Purpose—And Prom is Not It
While dating makes for a fun way to kill an otherwise boring Friday night and pretty much guarantees you won’t have to go to prom solo, the real goal of Christian dating is marriage preparation.
Yikes! But I’m only 16! you say.
Don’t panic, I’m not trying to rush you to the chapel. But I can, in full honesty—with my hand over my heart—tell you that love isn’t all it takes to make a marriage great. For that, you need ample communication, respect, humility—and many other traits that don’t always come naturally. A dating relationship gives you an opportunity to develop and hone these crucial skills.
It’s not prom preparation, it’s marriage preparation.
Related: How to Prepare Yourself For Marriage Before You Find “The One”
Learn Now What You Need in Marriage Later
In Biblical Dating: How It’s Different From Modern Dating (from Boundless), Scott Croft says biblical dating “always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.”
Don’t be mistaken. You might not marry the first person you date, but you should never date someone you’d never consider marrying! Contrary to rom-com rules, dating is not a recreational activity, but a way to seek out a suitable marriage partner.
This rule applies even if you are 16 and still in high school. He might be a lot of fun or hold an enviable position on the high school social ladder, but if you can’t envision him as a venerable marriage partner, do yourself a favor and wait. Keep in mind, ladies, that some of the most immature high school boys can mature into the best husbands. Give him time to get there!
And guys, she may not be confident now, but build her up as a friend and she just may become the stalwart partner you need to tackle life later.
Or, you might find someone else who’s heart beats in time with your goal of glorifying God with your life.
Holiness: The ULTIMATE Goal of All We Do
“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.”
Hebrews 12:14
Take a look at your current life. Are you striving for holiness across the board, or do you see areas where “holy” never crossed your mind? Many of us don’t think to apply the term “holy” to dating. We’ll settle for the bare minimum of “well, at least we didn’t break too many rules about kissing and sex.”
If that’s you, you’re missing out on so much!
Dating (and, ultimately, marriage) offers a way to strive for goodness, love, patience, joy, faithfulness—basically all the fruits of the Spirit—with someone else. Together, you and your partner can grow, both as people and as disciples of Christ.
Related: What is Holiness? How Genuine Faith Goes Beyond Mere Obedience
REBEL AGAINST LOW EXPECTATIONS
Let me clue you in on a secret: Our current culture expects very little of teenagers and young adults. Sex education, steamy pop culture, the increasing market for erotica YA—these are all evidence that we expect you to fail, that you have no self-control, and that you’re incapable of striving for any particular set of moral standards.
Totally wrong! Many of your generation haven’t bowed to the idol of Me First, and I challenge the rest of you to rebel against this trend of low expectations.
Aim for nothing lower than complete holiness.
Check out the new A Time to Wait to see how this new perspective affected Kane and Claudia’s story! Get FREE access to my short story library when you subscribe to my weekly updates.
More on Christian Dating
You don’t have to have all the answers.
But, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Got more questions on Christian dating? Check out my other resources:
- 3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend For Christian Girls
- Author vs. Protagonist: Do You Trust God To Write Your Love Story?
- The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered
- 7 Common Lies About Sex That Christian Girls Believe
- Finding Fulfillment As a Single On Valentine’s Day
- Christian Teen Dating Advice: 9 Things I Wish I’d Known