Do You Know How to Listen So Others Will Talk?

Do you know how to be a good listener? No, seriously. Do you truly know how to listen so others will talk and share their deepest hurts? Their darkest fears? The opinions and beliefs they know you won’t agree with?

Good, honest listening has become something of a lost art—and for Christians, this is tragic. Because contrary to what you may have been led to believe, evangelism (the act of sharing your faith) is more about listening than speaking.

Don’t believe me? Read on!

Qualities of a Good Listener

Listening means more than just being quiet when someone speaks. A good listener is someone who…

• shows his/her interest through appropriate facial expressions and body language
• doesn’t interrupt
• doesn’t bow to outside distractions
• sets aside his/her personal agenda, issues, biases, and opinions in favor of hearing what someone has to say
• hears what you’re saying out loud—and what you’re not saying out loud

That’s a tall order. Who do you know fits this description?

Would anyone describe you this way?

Those Who Do Not Listen

Whenever we speak of listening, I can think of a few people in my life who are extraordinarily poor listeners. These people are too busy formulating responses in their heads to actually hear what someone says to them. When you talk to them on the phone, they’re distracted by things in the background—the television, their dog, other people in the room—and you wonder if they’re even hearing you at all.

In person, they’re so enamored with whatever’s happening on their phones that they aren’t paying much attention to you—the person who’s standing right in front of them. (We’ve all been guilty of that.)

And then there are those too entrenched in their own opinions to even hear what you are saying or feeling. Sadly, this describes a number of Christians. Maybe even most of us. After all, when you strongly believe what you believe, it’s hard to entertain alternative possibilities.

Most people are embarassingly lacking in qualities of a good listener but it’s not too late to reclaim the lost art of listening. Time to take a lesson from Mister Rogers!

Would You be My Neighbor?

If you’ve never seen the movie A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, I highly recommend you put it on your near-future watchlist. This movie (based on a true story) tells the story of Mister Rogers (played by Tom Hanks), a man who majored in the art of listening.

He could discern someone’s true feelings and hurts without that person having to spell it out.

Mister Rogers was never in a hurry when he was with someone. He didn’t pass judgment or let his opinions get in the way of hearing. He was truly present and available for others. And he listened to what wasn’t being said as well as what was. In this way, he could discern someone’s true feelings and hurts without that person having to spell it out. He embodied all the qualities of a good listener.

I think if we all had someone like this in our lives, the world would be a much less hostile place.

Teen Evangelism: Listening So You Can Speak Better

Back to my point on how evangelism is more about listening than speaking…

Most young Christians (and old ones, too) are quite familiar with 1 Peter 3:15: “Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks.” It’s true you need to know how to articulate what you believe and why. (See my post How to Handle the Tough Questions About God) But if your only preparation for evangelism is to prepare a dissertation on the Gospel of Jesus, the likelihood of failure is high.

Consider the challenge behind James 1:19:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

Or the warning in Proverbs 18:13:

“To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”

What these verses are really saying is you need to listen first, in earnest. Evangelism is a very personal matter. Every unbeliever—or uncertain believer—has specific reasons for his doubts, and they vary widely. Until you know the backstory behind his unbelief, how can you know what he needs to hear most?

Maybe our mantra in evangelism really should be Proverbs 17:27:

“The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint.”

My post Speak the Truth In Love goes deeper into the importance of listening in evangelism.

How to Listen So Others Will Talk—A 7 Day Challenge

Ready to be like Mister Rogers, focusing on the thoughts, feelings, and needs of others rather than your own? Eager to truly understand your peers?

I dare you to take up the Good Listening Challenge for the next seven days: Anytime someone speaks to you, no matter how insignificant the conversation,

• STOP what you’re doing and give her your full attention.
• PUT ASIDE your own desire to be heard and noticed for the sake of someone else.
• CLEAR your mind of thoughts and judgments so you have the space to be receptive and loving.
• TAKE NOTE of the facial expressions and body language of the person who’s speaking.
• ASK for clarification if you aren’t sure you understand something.

Don’t be discouraged if you’re not great at “reading” someone. These kinds of skills take practice, and in this world of polarized opinions and me-first attitudes, most of us are pretty rusty at listening.

What happens when seven days have passed? Well, if you’ve truly risen to the challenge, I bet the response you get from others will make you want to be a good listener for the rest of your life.

Reclaim the lost art of listening and learn how to listen so others with talk! For specific ways to hone your listening skills, check out 10 Steps to Becoming A Better Listener at the Life Teen website.