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3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls

Imagine this scenario for a second:

Your best friend (who, by the way, is awful at choosing dating partners) asks you to lay out the most important qualities of a good boyfriend. What would you tell her?

Witty. Likes to have fun. Attractive. Emotionally intelligent. Smart. Cooks for you. Good at sports/music/art. Loves God’s word.

Great. I like guys like that, too. But let me ask: How many couples do you know who broke up because one person wasn’t witty enough, smart enough—or even read the Bible enough? Personally, I know none. Most relationships fall apart because of complaints like this:

He never listens to me. She’s so critical. He doesn’t care how I feel. His anger scares me. She lied to me. I don’t trust him.

Yikes. Makes you rethink your list of criteria, right? (I hope.) So what qualities should you be looking for in a dating partner?

How do you know if the boy you like is right for you—before your heart gets broken?

Lauren Thell, author of YA Christian Fiction

Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and

blogger for teens ready to level up in faith.

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The Ideal Boyfriend: Separating Fantasy From Realism

We ladies often begin our search for male companionship with a long list of criteria that screams “Naive!” We focus on things that matter little in the long run and overlook critical imperfections. The boy you like might score high in the looks department but have a serious problem with arrogance. The guy who attracted you with his wit might have a major commitment deficit.

As Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend point out in their book Boundaries in Dating, there are four points you must remember when considering the qualities of a good boyfriend:

  1. Some of your preferences might be too limiting, and you need to be more open.
  2. Some preferences are more important than you realize, and you should give them more weight.
  3. Some imperfections are minor, and you might need to live with them.
  4. Some imperfections are major, and guys with those are totally off-limits.

The trick is sorting it all out when you’ve got stars in your eyes and a name penciled into your diary with hearts around it. The advice in this post is no guarantee that the guy you choose won’t have commitment issues or character flaws, but it will give you an objective place to start. When it comes to the most important characteristics of a good boyfriend for Christian girls, these are the traits you should focus on and expect.

Qualities of a Good Boyfriend For Christian Girls

#1: Common Values

This is number one for a reason. If you’re a Christian, any guy you consider dating MUST BE A CHRISTIAN! Not should be or it would be nice if, but must be.

To be clear, a Christian is someone who professes that Jesus is his God and savior and lives in obedience to God’s word. That’s not the same as going to church because his parents make him. He might not be perfect in his faith but, overall, the genuine desire to live a holy life should be evident.

Signs to look for:

  • a relationship with God
  • honesty
  • ability to admit fault and be truly sorry for the other person rather than feeling sorry for himself
  • motivation to change—and the ability to maintain that change
  • commitment to growth
  • ability to grant and receive forgiveness
  • pursuit of holy living
good boyfriend for Christian girls

That might sound like a tall order but you’re not looking for perfection. You’re looking for authenticity; someone who, despite his flaws, shows a true desire to love and serve God with his life.

Why is this important? 

Your first love is Christ, and your identity is in Christ:

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.”

Galatians 2:20

It is infinitely harder to keep your focus on your first love if you’re building a relationship with someone who does not love him too. A dog lover can date a cat lover and a country music fanatic can date a hip-hop fanatic, but a Christian who dates a non-believer will find herself torn between her true love and her love interest.

To serve God to your fullest, you need someone who has the same love for Christ.

Quality #2: Good Character

Ever open a gift only to find that what’s on the inside is not what’s pictured on the box? My husband’s family is notorious for recycling boxes. If you ever get a Christmas gift from one of them in a toaster box, I guarantee it’s not a toaster.

It’s easy for a gift to claim to be a toaster by dressing up in a toaster box, but to actually be a toaster, it has to have slots and the ability to turn slices of bread into, well, toast.

good boyfriend for Christian girls

Watch out for the pretty package that conceals inner ugliness. It’s not enough for a guy to claim to be a Christian. He also needs to be of good character. (And if he isn’t, you can doubt his claim to faith as well.)

So what defines a good character? Galatians 5:22-23 very nicely lays out nine qualities of a good boyfriend—traits you also should strive to emulate:

  • love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control

Does this, for the most part, describe your guy? Does he embody these fruits of the Spirit? Or does he more closely resemble the description in Galatians 5:19-21, which includes sexual immorality, impurity, idolatry, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, envy, and drunkenness?

Now you’re crossing the line of Things You Should Never Have to Live With—which includes addictions, dishonesty, false spirituality, self-righteousness, tyrannical dominance, and refusal to take responsibility for his part in a relationship. Any of these is a red flag for you to steer clear.

But with all the great, God-fearing guys of good character out there, why would you bother with someone like that?

Why is this important?

James says it best:

As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

James 2:26

You can’t be a Christian and not act like a Christian. Sure, we all have moments on un-Christian behavior and no guy is perfect. But overall, you need to see evidence that the faith he claims to have is real. It should be evident in his treatment of you and conduct around others.

(Read what else James says about faith and deeds in James 2:14-16.)

good boyfriend for Christian girls

Quality #3: Common Interests & Goals

The original version of this post didn’t include this as one of the most important characteristics of a good boyfriend but the more I studied this, the more I realized you really should have something in common. Faith is a great starting point but couples who share hobbies and/or similar fields of work will spend a lot more time together—and enjoy it.

You don’t have to love everything he’s into, and he doesn’t have to be up on all your hobbies. But there should be some overlap. Maybe you both love the outdoors or you’re both into the arts. I know a couple where they both love to shop (seriously, even the guy!).

How much fun it is to work and play together!

Why is this important?

Interests and life goals need to be taken seriously because they say a lot about who you are and what’s important to you. Common interests aren’t enough to know if the boy you like is right for you but added on top of common values and good character, they up the likelihood of a successful relationship.

Caution: Make sure you know what your interest and goals are before you start dating so you don’t fall into the unhealthy default of adopting his interests as your own. You need to have a pretty good idea of who you are before you enter a romantic relationship with someone.

Give Him a Break!

By now, you’ve likely noticed that I’m telling you to judge someone. But guess what? That’s okay because you should expect him to judge you, too, with the same yardstick.

And what will he see when he does?

Are you loving, joyful, good, patient, and peaceful—all the time? I know I could never live up to a measurement like that so I want any guy who judges me to have a little grace when he does. You won’t find a perfect knight in shining armor. Even the most amazing of guys is still a sinner, and some of his flaws will annoy you.

Judge with grace. (See my post Is It Ever Okay To Be Judgemental?)

Don’t Be Limited By Preferences

On that same note, don’t eliminate a great Christian guy with a solid character because of some petty criteria you’re clinging to. Be careful of judging a guy based on these traits:

  • physical appearance (height, weight, hair color, skin color, etc.)
  • education level (whether he went to public or private school, or whether he plans to get a degree)
  • messiness or lack of organizational skills
  • difficulty opening up and being direct about feelings (this is common for guys)
  • the desire to appear “macho” and avoid vulnerability (another common guy trait, not to be confused with abusiveness or narcissism)
  • natural assertiveness/pushiness (as opposed to total dominance and control)
  • impatience
  • mild bouts of anger, jealousy, or laziness

These flaws might annoy you but they won’t kill your relationship if you don’t make a huge deal of them. All of us have ways we fail to measure up, so let me ask you: Do you want him dismissing you for any of these flaws? Judge as you wish to be judged.

Relationship Red Flags

red flags to watch for in YA Christian fiction

Worried you might be entering a toxic relationship? Still not certain if the boy you like is right for you? Watch out for these relationship red flags (details in 10 Red Flags in Teen Relationships from CASWA):

  • Jealousy
  • Pressure
  • Unexpected bouts of anger
  • Taunting or bullying
  • Monitoring you
  • Embarrassing you
  • Intimidation
  • Controlling you
  • Physically hurting you
  • Asking for and sharing inappropriate pictures of you

These are not normal, and any of them is a sign that you should put the brakes on. Don’t get caught up with a toxic person. There are so many great guys out there, no need to attach yourself to one who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Focus on the most important characteristics of a good boyfriend, and let God write your love story!

More Dating Advice For Christian Teens

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I get lots of questions about dating and relationships from teens so it’s a hot topic on my blog. Check out my other posts that can help you serve God with your relationships.

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2 thoughts on “3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls”

  1. Rebecca R

    Lauren. This is great! I love the fruits of the spirit used as a yard stick. Another one to consider is 1 Corinthians 14:4-7, and instead of the word “love”, use the persons name that you are considering…. Or maybe even your own name if you would like to see how you measure up. ?? So instead of , Love is patient, it would be, in my case… Becky is patient., Becky is kind, she does not envy, she does not boast….. you get the idea. Like you said, none are perfect but these attitudes and characteristics are good to consider. Thanks always for your sharing your insights and talents. God bless you and yours.

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