A recent question from a reader:
“My best friend recently confessed his love to me but I don’t know how I feel about him! I was confused before and now I still don’t know. What should I do? How do you know if you like someone more than just as a friend?”
Whenever I get panicked questions like these, it’s almost always because it came out of the blue. But I appreciate the opportunity to answer because this is the mark of someone who doesn’t want to do anything rash that would tear a friendship apart or hurt someone else.
This scenario happened to me in a big way. My freshman year of college, I befriended a guy who was funny, sweet, and Christian, and I was very comfortable around him—the kind of ease a girl never feels around the guy she’s crushing on. So when he developed feelings for me, I was scrambling to figure out mine in return. I didn’t want to break his heart. (He really was a great guy.) But if he hadn’t tipped the scale first, I might’ve been perfectly fine staying in the “just friends” category forever.
Wondering how to know if you like someone who’s in love with you? Let’s start with a few do’s and don’ts.
Hey, I’m Lauren, author of YA Christian fiction and
blogger for teens ready to level up in faith.
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In This Article
What to Do When a Friend Confesses Feelings For You—And You Aren’t Sure
Do Thank Her For Her Honesty
You might be thinking it was better when you had no idea exactly how she felt about you but a relationship isn’t real if it isn’t based on honesty. She just put herself in a very vulnerable place by confessing her love and giving you the power to reject her. Show your respect by at least thanking her for being real and trusting you with her feelings.
Don’t Trample His Feelings
You might be confused, terrified, maybe even mortified, but this person is your still friend and his feelings are very real. So don’t brush him off or laugh at him, and don’t go running to your friends and gab about what just happened. Later, I suggest seeking advice from a third party but that’s different from gossip. Don’t humiliate him in front of your other friends.
Do Be Honest & Respectful
She was real with you so now it’s your turn. Be honest about your feelings right now—even if that means telling her you’re not sure how you feel about her. If you need time to process, say so. And assure her that, regardless of what you decide, you still value her and her friendship.
Don’t Let His Feelings Pressure You
So far, it’s been all about showing respect for your friend after he went out on a limb. But something I failed at in my own go-round with this issue was confusing respect with compliance. I went along with it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That’s being dishonest, not respectful.
Do not let his feelings pressure you into something you’re not ready for. They can play a part in your decision-making but should not dictate it.
How to Know If You Like Someone More Than Just Friends
Now we’re getting to the meat: how to know if you like someone romantically. Despite all the 12-point online questionnaires meant to help you decide whether or not you’re in love, it’s not that straightforward. So don’t feel bad about being confused. Sometimes the answer isn’t a strong yes or no. Some people fall in love, others step into love by choice.
But how do you know if you should take that step?
Is He Someone You Should Even Consider Dating?
Because you’re already friends, it’s likely you have a lot of things in common and he would pass the 3 Most Important Qualities of a Good Boyfriend for Christian Girls test with flying colors. But that’s not always the case so the first step is making sure he’s “dateable.” Check out the link and be reminded of the kind of person Christians should be looking for in a dating partner. (Guys, this test works for you too. Just switch roles.)
Sometimes what keeps us from loving someone is an unrealistic ideal about the kind of person you’re hoping to end up with.
Bring God Into It!
Once you’ve determined her dateability, you’ve reached the tricky part of sorting out your feelings. As with all decisions, big or small, prayer is an integral part of the process. God cares about your relationships and your emotional well-being. He also knows what’s best for your friend. Seek him in earnest and believe that he will guide you as you proceed.
Related: Christian Dating: There Must Be More to It Than This!
Write it Down
I recommend writing out your feelings—either in a loose letter to be burned when you’re finished or in a journal—in tandem with prayer. Especially if you’re a visual person. Sometimes, this is all you need to realize your true feelings and decide which course of action to take. Talking it out with God and writing it down can help you untangle the jumble in your head.
Seek Wise Counsel—Emphasis on Wise
Sometimes the answer isn’t a strong yes or no. Some people fall in love, others step into love by choice.
If you’re still uncertain (or if you need confirmation of the decision you made), it’s time to seek outside help. Who do you know could help you sort your feelings? Caution: Not all friends are sound advice-givers. Seek the counsel of an older Christian mentor, a trusted sibling, a parent, or a mature friend. They may have observed things in you and your guy friend that will shed a little light on your situation.
That doesn’t mean you have to take their advice as gospel. Ultimately, it’s still up to you. (One exception to this is the teen who’s still under the guardianship of his/her parents. If that’s you, you need to honor your parents’ wishes if they say no to dating your friend. Fear not! Your day will come.)
Be Realistic When a Friend Confesses Feelings For You
This is huge so please take note!
If you’re waiting for a sure sign of whether or not you’re in love with your best friend, know that it may never come. Some people are lucky and get the lightning-bolt strike of realization. The rest of us eventually arrive at the point where we have to choose to:
1) stay friends
2) explore a deeper relationship
3) dive into a deeper relationship
Sometimes what keeps us from loving someone is an unrealistic ideal about the kind of person you’re hoping to end up with.
What’s the difference between #2 and #3? Number two is that more-than-friends-but-not-quite-dating area, where you’re openly discussing your future with each other but not making any serious moves toward it. It’s not a bad place to be for a time, especially if you’re under 21. It gives you an opportunity to get to know each other better.
Number three, of course, means taking the plunge into dating your best friend.
An Unfortunate Possibility
There’s a fourth option no one likes to think about that is, unfortunately, the reality for many, and that’s ending your friendship altogether. This happens. You might decide you just don’t feel that way about her, and she might decide it hurts too much to stay friends. If that’s the case, respect her decision, mourn your loss, and thank God for the time you had with her. The dissolution of a friendship hurts but over time, God will heal your wounds.
Do Not Tease Him or Lead Him On!
Throughout this process, be sensitive to your friend’s feelings. Even when you’re not romantically attracted to a person (or you’re not sure if you are), it’s still exciting to know someone thinks of you that way and it can affect your actions. Resist the urge (whether conscious or unconscious) to be a tease!
What are some ways you might be playing with his feelings?
- Purposely dressing in a way you know draws attention to your body.
- Flirting. What you consider friendly banter could come off as flirting.
- Talking about old boyfriends or dates you’ve been on.
- Spending lots of time doing things with him that might be considered a date.
- Crossing physical boundaries. So maybe you’re not kissing (I hope not) but hugs and hand holding can also send mixed signals.
- Emotional or spiritual intimacy. This is a little more complicated but ultimately emotional intimacy happens when you share thoughts and feelings at a deep, personal level. Spiritual intimacy occurs when you pray together. Both are dangerous at this point as they create a false sense of connection to someone you aren’t sure you’re ready to commit to.
What if You’re the One Who’s In Love With Your Best Friend?
This is a topic for another day (watch my blog for future posts!) but let me remind you that making yourself vulnerable and being honest about your feelings won’t destroy you. If you’re to the point where you’re stuffing your feelings down and doing everything you can to hide them, it’s time to come clean.
This article from Crosswalk speaks specifically to the Christian who’s in love with his/her non-Christian best friend. It’s worth a read.
My Story
If you’re waiting for a sure sign of whether or not you’re in love with your best friend, know that it may never come.
So what happened to me?
The pressure to date the guy in question was huge so we started a romantic relationship that was awkward and rocky and ended a semester later. We were able to resume our friendship, or so I thought. It didn’t take long for me to realize he hadn’t gotten over me and what ensued were several years of tumultuous on-off dating where he pursued me relentlessly until one day I chose to love him.
Literally. Like flipping a switch.
It was the best decision I ever made. We’ve been married 15 years.
Read some of our story in Author vs. Protagonist: Trust God to Write Your Love Story.
Caution: That’s not me saying you should do the same. Everyone’s love story is different. Take the time to sort your feelings and seek God’s counsel before you walk on water!
More Christian Dating Advice For Teens
You don’t have to have all the answers.
but, hey, why not?
Bring me your questions about faith, life, God, the Bible… and I’ll help you find the answers.
Check out my other posts containing Christian dating advice for teens:
- The Ultimate Teen’s Guide to Christian Dating: Your Top 20 Questions Answered (This one is popular!)
- “But I Like Him Too!” How to Avoid a Love Triangle (first appeared in Brio magazine)
- Is it Ever Too Young to Be Thinking About Marriage?
- 7 Common Lies About Sex That Christian Girls Believe
- 10 Terrific Nonfiction Books On Dating For Christian Teens
- Christian Teen Dating Advice: 9 Things I Wish I’d Known
