The 12 Days of Christmas According to the True Love

Our 12 Reasons to Rejoice Advent devotion has wrapped up, so it’s time to have a little fun. Enjoy this twist on the traditional 12 days of Christmas, given from the perspective of the true love.

DECEMBER 25

My Dearest Beloved,

Merry Christmas! It pains me to not be near you this season, but fear not. I caught all your hints about how much you love pears and I’m sending you what you’ve always wanted: a pear tree! Just think of all the pear pies, pear cake, and pear marmalade you’ll be able to make! Can’t wait to see you again and taste all of your confections.

Until then,

Your True Love

(P.S. Don’t mind the partridge. He wouldn’t get out of the tree when I bought it.)

——————————————————————————————

DECEMBER 26

My Dearest Beloved,

So you like the partridge? I’m so pleased! I’m sending him some companions right away: two turtle doves. Because you, my love, are my dove.

With greatest affection,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

DECEMBER 27

My Dearest Beloved,

It sounds like you need some birds that do more than just coo at each other. Please accept my gift of three French hens. Personally, I prefer the look of Ameraucana chickens, but these were a steal and the eggs they give you will be great for making pear pound cake with all the pears from your pear tree.

Save a slice for me!

Missing you,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

DECEMBER 28

My Dearest Beloved,

I’m glad you were able to rescue the turtle doves from the neighbor’s cat. What a nerve-wracking life a bird must live with so many cats in the world! To help you out, I’m sending you calling birds—four of them! Hopefully, they’ll alert you if Garfield tries to sneak into the yard again.

Thinking of you,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

DECEMBER 29

My Dearest Beloved,

If a gold ring is a token of my love for you, then how much more are five of them? I can just imagine how lovely they will look on your dainty fingers.

“I love you more than words can wield the matter, Dearer than eyesight, space and liberty.”

(See? I guess that Shakespeare course we took in college wasn’t useless after all.)

With fondest thoughts,

Your True Love

(P.S. I’ve heard that chickens like shiny things. Don’t let them get your rings.)

——————————————————————————————

DECEMBER 30

My Dearest Beloved,

I was worried three hens wouldn’t give you enough eggs for all your baking, seeing as how your pear tree is loaded with fruit, so I’m sending you six geese, all of which are laying eggs. I considered sending you ducks, but ducks require a pond of some sort and your local building codes won’t allow you to put one in the backyard.

I’m always thinking of you and your needs.

All the best,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

DECEMBER 31

My Dearest Beloved,

Okay, okay. I know I said yesterday I wouldn’t send you ducks because then you would have to dig a pond, but… Aren’t these seven swans amazing? The way their sleek necks curve when they swim is so elegant. And yes, they like to swim, so…

Perhaps a heated swimming pool will do?

Sending all my warmth,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

JANUARY 1

My Dearest Beloved,

In response to your concern over having too many eggs, I am now sending you eight milkmaids. Eight should be enough to help you eat the three chicken eggs and six goose eggs you get each day. As a bonus, they can bring you some milk, too. Isn’t that clever of me to think of that?

As far as your concern over all the bird poop, I called the city hall and got you a permit for a manure pit in your backyard. Just don’t put it too close to the swan’s pool.

And you’re welcome!

With greatest admiration,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

JANUARY 2

My Dearest Beloved,

You sounded a little harried in your last letter, so I’m sending you nine dancing ladies to cheer you up. Nothing like a little loco-motion to loosen you up, right?

I’m sorry the milkmaids aren’t getting along. Perhaps you could assign them to bird poop cleanup?

Yearning for you,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

JANUARY 3

My Dearest Beloved,

I’ve found the perfect solution to your milkmaid problem: ten leaping lords! That should balance out the overload of estrogen in your house and keep the maids from tearing each other apart.

See? I’m always thinking about you.

Leaping for you,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

JANUARY 4

My Dearest Beloved,

So now the nine dancers are jealous of the eight maids and their complaining is just about to give you a “cerebral hemorrhage”? (Your words, not mine.) I’ll send you eleven pipers right away. They should occupy the dancers, and their music will cover the sound of the calling birds, whose call you described as “death in the highest possible pitch.“

You like the sound of bagpipes…right?

With hugs and kisses,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

JANUARY 5

My Dearest Beloved,

Yes, I agree, pipers who can’t keep a beat are frustrating. Hopefully, these twelve drummers will fix that problem. I know you’re already having trouble feeding everyone. Have you ever considered butchering one of the hens? (Just saying. It’s an option. From the sound of your last message, your appreciation for the birds seems to have flown the coop.)

Don’t worry about the noise violation from yesterday. I spoke with the chief of police and everything’s cool again.

From the one who would send you all the birds in the world if you ask for them,

Your True Love

——————————————————————————————

JANUARY 10

My Dearest Beloved…

You know how I’m always saying you should just tell me what you want instead of hinting at it?

I wish you would’ve told me that all you really wanted for Christmas was a gold ring with a PEAR-SHAPED DIAMOND! It would’ve saved me a lot of money. The swans alone cost me ten grand! Didn’t I tell you once that I was terrible with hints?

Okay, I’m calm now. It’ll be okay. I should be able to get my money back for the birds. (Except for the two calling birds that Garfield caught. Was that a set-up? Whatever. Don’t want to know. May they rest in peace.) And I’ll try to strike up a severance deal with the dancers and maids and lords and pipers and drummers.

I’ll leave the pear tree since that’s fairly well-behaved. (The partridge will have to stay, too, since he won’t get out of it.) And don’t feel bad about the ring the goose carried off. Those things happen.

If I get rid of the manure pit and pool in your backyard, will you consider asking the judge to lift the no-contact order you had placed over me? And does the psychiatric hospital you’re staying at allow visitors?

Yours regardless,

Your True Love

Merry Christmas!

Bonus: To see a silly live rendition of the Twelve Days of Christmas performed by the student ministry at a Bible church, check out this YouTube video.